Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Tanning Naked...Thoughts to Ponder

So, for those of you Nancy Drew's out there, you may have drawn the conclusion from yesterday's "Have You Ever..."post that was indeed I who sunburnt her whoo-ha.  And who doesn't love swapping stories of Vitamin D wallering gone wrong?

So I would like to continue with further thoughts on the subject.

Last night my sinuses weren't hurting me as bad so I didn't take any IBprofen before bed.  Well, around 2 am I awoke to a terrible sensation in the area my underwear would have been if I had been wearing any.  I thought I would sleep nakie in hopes that the lack of undies would free my crispy private pad to breathe.  Well, I think in fact my plan backfired, bc it felt like someone had released a herd of fireants (did you know fireants in large groups were called herds?  No...that's probably because I just made that up) on my front parts.

At this point, I don't know why I didnt take something for the pain.  But...I didnt.

So when I woke up I knew a couple of things:

a)I couldn't complain or whine to my girlfriend because she already has called me several lovely nicknames for my tanning mishap and won't be hearing my kerfuffling about it.

b) mama was going to need some aloe...asap...and some meds.

c) the sad thought of calling in "burnt" did occur to me.  But I shook it off.

So I waddled out to the fridge and got the aloe.  I hate aloe.  It's sticky.  But there I stood in the kitchen, only the sad little light from the refrigerator illuminating my nude shame.  I touched the aloe to the skin about 6-8 inches below my bellow button and let out a whimper, one that  I could only imagine sounded like a mother elk mourning the loss of her child elk.

I slathered on the aloe and popped some ibprof's.  I wondered if I could call my doctor and ask for two single Loritabs.  They give those out for stupid people who get burns in their own backyard yes?

I then proceeded to do everything else naked.  I dropped my hairbrush at one point and spent at least 5 minutes trying to pick it up with the sausages I call my toes...just so I wouldnt have to bend over.

I finally got dressed and managed to proceed with my day. 

I think when I was laying flat outside, my little skin folds, courtesy of the excess skin about my lady station, must have been flattened out and I actually BURNT inside those creases...and once upright, those creases come back together in the most painful way.

Hopefully I will learn from my mistakes. 

Probably not though.  Probably not.


  1. I don't know whether to laugh or cry for you. That sounds so stinking painful! But yet, I'm giggling. Sorry!

  2. Ow, that's the most painful thing I ever read! Hope that your bits are better soon!

  3. You are too much... You should write a book on what not to do. Like I did this, learn from my mistake.... please. Hopefully, you will one day giggle while telling this story, I tried not to giggle while reading it but I failed. It reminds me of that saying, stick it where the sun don't shine... XOXO, *M*

  4. OUCH! OUCH! Damn! OUCH! I don't envy you right now!

    Hope it heals up soon.

    Just think of it this way...once the burning and peeling have ceased you will have an ultra tan cooca! lol

  5. Those crevices are definitely not meant to see the light of day :( OUCH!!!

  6. Ok you officially have me rolling around on the ground lol... Hope 3 days later you have some relief...