I am having a problem.
And I hesitate to blog about it because it makes me appear ungrateful, slightly irrational, and for lack of a better word...pathetic.
I am having a hate relationship with my body. It's hard for me to even look in the mirror. Brushing my teeth has become problematic. Working out in front of the mirrors during circuit is discouraging.
It's bad. And I am not sure why.
Now that my period is as regular as the sun rising, the 2-3 days prior to starting I have noticed that I am highly emotional, needy, and straight up coo coo with a side of crazy. This is not that 2-3 day time period.
I look in the mirror and I see everything that is wrong with my body. For one fleeting moment I see my definition, my muscles, my accomplishments...but those positive thoughts are overtaken by a narrative that sounds a little something like this:
"Yes, my arms are okay, but if there wasn't so much fat covering my biceps, I could see them better. Yes I can do a couple of tricep dips and I am lucky that my bat wings are smaller, but they are still there...still hanging and taunting me. Yes my quads are nice, but who cares when my inner thighs are saggy like a deflated elephant. And my boobs are like pancakes, and my stomach...well...God help me if I bend over. And my belly button ring is sagging and...."
on and on.
It's discouraging that some of what we have done to our bodies cannot be undone. And it's sad that after losing 160 pounds, I let the negative thoughts consume me sometimes. I should know better. I am healthy and fit. But it sucks to compare. It sucks that even though the girl at the gym with the horrible personality and fake tan is not the girl I want to be, but I am jealous of her newly bought boobs and she makes me feel inferior. It's sucks that when I was a size 26, I would have told you that I would have been happy and fine at a size 12. And now at a size 10, I can't figure out why I am not good enough, dedicated enough, and why I lack what others have to be a size 8.
But, I suppose there is no use in pontificating forever on this subject. I know that my self-image will swing the other way soon...and hopefully hold there for longer than I hold here. I do know that I should be proud of me. And I am. I just wish that I could close my eyes and my body would fix itself.
Saggy skin...poof. Gone.
Boobs....poof. Perky.
Stretch marks...poof. Disappeared.
Happy Tuesday buttercups. Man...sometimes being human is hard!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
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Oh wow. I can't tell you how timely this post is. I'm nowhere near goal but I was just writing about how much I'm hating the image in the miror right now. I know it isn't much comfort to you but knowing you have moments like this provides me with immeasurable comfort. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteWell fuck. The part about not being able to even look at yourself when brushing your teeth almost brought me to tears. Same.exact.thoughts went through my brain this morning as I was brushing my teeth. I noticed that I have a hard time even looking at myself in the mirror during that time because I don't like the body that I see staring back. And, that just makes me sad. I too know that it will swing the other way and that I will once again feel good about my accomplishments, but for right now I think it is normal for us that have lost a decent amount (to where it's taken a toll on our physical appearance of our body) that its frustrating to see what we can't undo --without the help of additional surgery of course.
ReplyDeleteChin up buttercup. You are beautiful. Inside and out :)
I have not lost nearly as much as you have and I already see things where I'm like "ugh - and it's only going to get worse". Yeah, the skin sagging issues is one of the reasons I didn't want to do this, but I decided that it was fixable. I don't what your thoughts are on it, but you have worked hard and you deserve to like what you see, so have you thought about the cosmetic surgery route? I know that I'm going to have as much done as I can afford when my time comes. Hell yes. LOL
ReplyDeleteI find that I am more critical of my body now than I was at 475 pounds... It's just friggin' weird, but When you are giving your body so much time and energy to make it healthier... I feel like the loose saggy skin is still taunting me. Why was firm fat more attractive than flabby thin? I dream of one day looking like you... You are that girl at the gym for me, the tan gorgeous nice assed one who taunts me with her firm body and ease of workout! The grass is always greenier. Love you Sunshine!
ReplyDelete"...but I am jealous of her newly bought boobs and she makes me feel inferior."
ReplyDeleteThat girl, beautiful boobies and all, only commands half the attention you do when you walk in a room. I bet she'd give up her boobs, botox, brazilian blowout and teeth bleach to have your confidence and magnetism (which I know you always project, even on bad days) any day.
Never sell yourself short.
I feel the same way about my body. I didn't always; when I was in my early 20s I didn't give a rat's ass what I looked like. (That's probably why I gained 40 lbs in two years.) But now, 20 lbs lighter, I pick apart my double chin, "bat wings", and bubble butt. It's never ending. I just keep telling myself it's not about what I look like, it's about getting healthier. That works about half the time.
ReplyDeleteHopefully you'll get out of this frame of mind quickly and go back to realizing how hot you are.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand. It is a strange trick to be able to turn off the inner voice that loves to pick our body apart. I haven't figured out how to do it. I know that I have to be happy about what I was able to get back. So far. I'm also not anywhere near a size 10 yet.
ReplyDeleteI know that I can tell you until I am blue in the face that you are gorgeous and perfect (cause I think and believe that) but it won't change what your mind sees.
I think, however, that you are at that point where you have to start answering tough questions. What are you trying to achieve? Why isn't what you've done good enough? I hope that you know that what you've done is way beyond "good enough" and is actually an inspiration to approximately 686 people. Yeah, I just grabbed the number out of thin air. :)
This journey is not easy. We all are our own worst enemies. Why, is the question.
One thing I think has some ability to help - stop comparing. You are gorgeous as Amy. I don't want you to be anyone else but who you are - both in looks and in personality. Love Amy. That's my vote! I do.
OMG girl, I think we all have those sentiments once we start losing but that girl at the gym, SHE has NOTHING on you! You are such an inspiration to me and I thank you! You are a beautiful person inside and out and I do hope that one day you will be able to see yourself as everyone else see you, beautiful!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful and you look great! It sounds like it is time to start reprogramming that inner voice. Next time you think, "My arms look good, BUT..." stop yourself at the BUT and replace that thought with, "I'm healthy and doing the best I can." or whatever works for you.
ReplyDeleteYou ARE beautiful. But no matter how great we are, we always see the flaws. I hope it is just a phase for you, because you should totally appreciate your gorgeousness!
ReplyDeleteI could have written this myself and you have come so much farther than me. You look freakin awesome. I mean damn, people are stalking you and what not (like my BFF). You got what you got and you can work it just as well as the barbie doll in the gym.
ReplyDeleteAs far as sizes go, I hear ya on that. I was that way at size 12, 10, and now I am in 8's and can't figure out why I can't eat a shitload of food and get my ass in some 6's. We, as humans, will always find something to bitch at about ourselves because we are truly afraid of perfection. (IMHO)
Perk up baby doll, you are a sexy bitch!
Oh yeah, and my BFF has a question for you... She wants to know how you managed to get rid of your back/bra fat roll? Because she is worried that hers will just turn into a deflated tire on around her upper torso. Specifically what exercises works good for that?
ReplyDeleteOkay, I thought I posted on your blog yesterday but somehow it disapeared. So... I am commenting today. I know exactly what you are talking about... I always told myself that a size 12 was great, my husband tells me I am perfect... I have come so far. But lately, I spend a lot of time angry at other people who are size8,6,4 and it seems so easy for them. Why do I keep boucing between 165-170... obviously because I just don't have the self control to get to 145. Blah blah... negative self talk... blah. But, some days I do feel amazing, I do feel hot, and I do recognize that i have come so far. I am talking to my therapist about it and learning to not compair (I said learning). I can't seem to get that little voice in the back of my head that says,"you could be prettier, you could be thinner, you could look like her". I think most of us struggle with this. If it is any bonus, I would like to be like you (a size 10).. and beautiful. But I do know I have done so much, and I try to give myself credit.
ReplyDeleteI am preparing for my surgery on March 31st and this is one of the things I think about all the time. I can't really undo all the damage I have done to my body. I am hoping to be able to heal some of the damage. I am glad you are writing about these very real issues. Thank you, your blog has been a huge inspiration.
ReplyDeleteJust started a blog too- you can check it out here
http://feelingbandtastic.blogspot.com/
Snap out of it Amy. I'm 46...I know exactly what you mean about the batwings, saggy boobs, stomach, elephant skin thighs. Remember that you look positively amazing in clothes...when the rest of the world sees you.
ReplyDeleteYou are lucky enough to have youth on your side and hopefully in a couple of years it will just get better and better. Remember the beautiful person you are inside. That's the gift to all of us.
I like what Lori said. You have to ask yourself some hard questions.
ReplyDeleteI also wonder if you had these negative thoughts before or only now? I bet you also had them before but you were able to stuff down your feelings with food. (I did)
If you did have them before, then it just goes to show you: No matter what weight we are or what size we fit into, we always want more b/c we're greedy bitches like that!
I LOVE YOU beautiful girl!
Listen, Amy: You can always buy yourself a rockin' pair of boobs, but fake tan girl will never be as awesome as you are.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jo, at least you have time on your side, be thankful about that! You could be saggy AND old like some of us ;).
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I do know where you are coming from. I think, why did I do this to myself, I can never fix some of this damage! But guess what - no one else really cares but us. I bet Heather doesn't care - she loves you, she doesn't care about your stretch marks. You have so much going for you, you shouldn't waste even one second feeling bad about yourself.
Put on a pretty bra or whatever before you brush your teeth. Marvel at how good you look and how well you have done. Remember that you are on this earth to love, be loved, and do good and useful things. None of which require perky boobs or perfect skin.
Thanks for your honesty. Makes the rest of us realize we're all normal and we all feel the same way. I have only started my journey recently and can easily see how this will happen to me very soon...it's already started.
ReplyDeleteI am still like 30 lbs from my goal and I have a lot of the same issues. I have a hard time feeling good for my accomplishments. i look in the mirror and continue to judge myself. I did just have a breast reduction on monday. I am healing from that. I have lost 80 lbs and nothing from the girls. I was a g/h and having issues. I know have lovely d boobies. I love them but now I can see the roll when I look down that use to be covered by the tatas. So i am upset and feeling I have not done as well as I original had thought. I dont know.. LOL. I feel like when is it I am suppose to be happy with my accomplishments. I have talked about getting a tummy tuck when I hit another 20 30 lbs gone. I also what a butt lift and an arm lift. But seriously am I going to be happy there. Then what will I want done.. Sorry I am not that helpful. ALl I can say is that if feel ya.. Sending a cyber hug. cause I am feeling just as confused. LOL...
ReplyDeleteWow, 1st, reading your blog, just makes me cry and laugh. I was just banded on march 4th and reading this makes me feel so good. Thanks for blogging. I can't wait to read more. I am so new to all this blogging stuff. So you have a area with recipes or just ideas. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteTina pnkie02@yahoo.com