I had a little bit of a breakdown last night.
Here's what happened. Heather and I were sitting in the bathroom, I on the toilet, her on the side of the bathtub.
*please note the lid was down on the toilet and I was using it as a chair*
We had just gotten out of the shower and were sitting in our little towels, talking. I actually had my head in her lap, and she was inspecting my back for "the cancer". I had a pouty face on, and upon Heather asking me what was wrong I said:
"What if I am just meant to always be fat"?
And then the tears came. And the snot, because I was face down in her lap afterall, which is prime-o drainage for snot when one is crying.
I am sure this came as a shock to her, because I don't really ever talk (out loud anyways) about feeling fat, or hating my body. And I KNOW I am not fat. But sometimes it is just overwhelming to have to work so hard to get away from 170. It's overwhelming because I DO work hard. I workout a lot. I don't eat terrible. I am active, healthy, and have more muscle, thus more calorie burning abilities, than ever. And YES, I am aware that I always say comparing yourself to others is DANGEROUS and RARELY BENEFICIAL to ones self-esteem...but sometimes I do. I say "Well, that girl doesnt even work out and she is thinner than me damn it". Or other bandsters weigh oodles less...why can't I?"
Blah. Yucky opiaufmn;fj lkjf alkfjldfja;lsjkf abv*&^!&^$!
And so I cried. I cried as she told me that I was beautiful, sexy, perfect. And I couldnt really stop. Heather supports me and understands that I want to lose a few more pounds, but doesn't think it is necessary. I just feel a mess sometimes. It is so silly to regret...anything really. And it is a waste of energy to hold a grudge against myself for allowing my body to get so stretched out that it will never be "normal".
But sometimes I do let myself go there.
And eventually I stopped crying....and snotting.
And today is better. I did cardio this morning for 40 minutes and I am getting ready to do circuit during my lunch.
I guess you just have to be the best person you can be right NOW. You use what you've got to get what you want.
So carry on my soldiers!