I had a little bit of a breakdown last night.
Here's what happened. Heather and I were sitting in the bathroom, I on the toilet, her on the side of the bathtub.
*please note the lid was down on the toilet and I was using it as a chair*
We had just gotten out of the shower and were sitting in our little towels, talking. I actually had my head in her lap, and she was inspecting my back for "the cancer". I had a pouty face on, and upon Heather asking me what was wrong I said:
"What if I am just meant to always be fat"?
And then the tears came. And the snot, because I was face down in her lap afterall, which is prime-o drainage for snot when one is crying.
I am sure this came as a shock to her, because I don't really ever talk (out loud anyways) about feeling fat, or hating my body. And I KNOW I am not fat. But sometimes it is just overwhelming to have to work so hard to get away from 170. It's overwhelming because I DO work hard. I workout a lot. I don't eat terrible. I am active, healthy, and have more muscle, thus more calorie burning abilities, than ever. And YES, I am aware that I always say comparing yourself to others is DANGEROUS and RARELY BENEFICIAL to ones self-esteem...but sometimes I do. I say "Well, that girl doesnt even work out and she is thinner than me damn it". Or other bandsters weigh oodles less...why can't I?"
Blah. Yucky opiaufmn;fj lkjf alkfjldfja;lsjkf abv*&^!&^$!
And so I cried. I cried as she told me that I was beautiful, sexy, perfect. And I couldnt really stop. Heather supports me and understands that I want to lose a few more pounds, but doesn't think it is necessary. I just feel a mess sometimes. It is so silly to regret...anything really. And it is a waste of energy to hold a grudge against myself for allowing my body to get so stretched out that it will never be "normal".
But sometimes I do let myself go there.
And eventually I stopped crying....and snotting.
And today is better. I did cardio this morning for 40 minutes and I am getting ready to do circuit during my lunch.
I guess you just have to be the best person you can be right NOW. You use what you've got to get what you want.
Right? Right.
So carry on my soldiers!
Kisses.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
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I think we all have those moments. I'm glad you have a safe place to express yourself.
ReplyDeleteOh, Ames. I am sorry that you felt like that for even a minute. I mean. . have you SEEN the photos of yourself?? You look absolutely amazing, thin and gorgeous. Sending you a big hug and good scale vibes. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteSometimes it feels good to cry! Rejuvenating! Affirming! Especially when you have someone to listen who loves you-
ReplyDeleteXO
I agree, we all have times when we just need to let all those little doubts and bad thoughts be heard by someone else so that they can quiet down for a bit. You do look great and are an inspiration to all of us.
ReplyDeleteWe all have those moments! I was feeling like that on Monday, hon. Just remember what an inspiration you are to SO many women (myself included!)
ReplyDeleteIt's just for now, not forever! You don't have to justify your hard work because your body knows that! Hang in there, your body just needs a break and then it will catch up. You are an inspiration to me even though I don't know you, but I am new to banding! (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteSandi
http://myonetimeatbandcamp.blogspot.com/
Oh Amy... I wish I could give you a hug! (consider it that I am, next time you put on the jacket)... I totally understand - because I think we might always be "fat" in our minds - even though in our bodies, we are not any more. I hope not, but so far my mind hasn't made quite the strides that my body has... Just don't forget where you were. I keep a picture of me at my highest, holding Lucia, in my purse for just that reason. So that I can look at it when I'm snotty and blue, and 90% of the time, I realize that I am so much better, healthier, happier. Sometimes not, but mostly I do... Love you girl... you are simply amazing to me. Really.
ReplyDeleteI was there last week. it happens to all of us now and then. beleive us all when we say you are beautiful and skinny and an inspiration. Im glad today is going better for you then yesterday. :)
ReplyDeleteI totally had a breakdown moment today with my husband and I am so glad that he is supportive. It's so good we have supportive people in our life to pick us up and dry our tears, but sometimes we just need a good cry. Glad you are feeling better!
ReplyDeleteMake room at the pity party table for me. You think I don't think all that same shit about YOU? "I work out hard! I eat amazing! Why doesn't my scale budge as fast as everyone else? Am I meant to be fat forever?" URGH. When I see that it took you such a short time to lose SO much weight and here I am, 10 months out and still 16 pounds from my 'initial' goal (forget aspirational?)! I see how far you've come and wonder why I can't do even half of what you've done? Get out the violin and start playing for me, ok? Seriously though, giant hugs from your biggest jealous fan.
ReplyDeleteI don't recall if you watch the Biggest Loser or not, but last night, the show's doctor told one of the female contestants that she was just one of those people who had slow metabolism and once she lost the weight, she was going to have to spend the rest of her life working out 90 minutes a day to maintain it. And then he said, "If you're not up to such a challenge, you might as well go home right now." She didn't hesitate at all, and said "Yes, sure, I'm ready to do this."
ReplyDeleteI, however, would feel like dropping to the ground and doing some naked crying on the spot if a doctor ever said that to me. It's TERRIBLY UNFAIR that there are some people who have to work hard to have a nice body, and some people who are just blessed with one for no good reason. And as someone who also got the short end of that stick, I say it's perfectly justifiable to shake your fist at the sky every once in a while and yell, "Why me, damnit?!"
Snotting?! Omgsh. Let me get you a Kleenex. No no no, not for you. For Heather. Heeeeere Heather!!! This one's for you. Just playin'. You get one too Amy. And here's a hug to go with it. I struggle with the same shit. But you're right--all we can do is our best. And I guess it wouldn't hurt to stop comparing ourselves to everybody else and la la la, but yeah, I know...it's hard. Oprah acts like it's magical and that you stop doing that at age 40....or is it 50? Well, I got a few more years either way......
ReplyDeleteWhat Sherry said! I remember MONTHS ago when you and I were the same weight....and my weight loss just stopped. Completely. Yours kept going! Why? Who knows. You must have been doing something much better than I was, or else your body was just ready!
ReplyDeleteI have moments of "I will never get out of the 180s" (um, with good reason, I've been here for like 9 months.) What can we do but keep moving along. Comparisons are not helpful. (Except it was VERY helpful to note that you had the awesome trainer and I did not - which helped me to decide to get one!)
You know you are awesome and a huge inspiration to us all. Feel better. Put on your new designer jeans, and flex in front of the mirror for a while -- that should do it!
Hugs Amy and your right being the best person you can be now is all you can do. And just by doing the best you can you build yourself up everyday. Amy here on Blog land you are a super hero. Well for me at least. You showed me that surgery isn't a magic fix and I still will have to work hard but I can and will be amazing!
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))) Everyone said it so well that I have nothing to add but support. We all go there...and a lot of us have a lot more to lose than you do. Earlier in our journeys yes but sweetie, you're a full blown hottie now! Don't ever think any different.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you feel this way because you look so great. We are our own worst critic, which really sucks. I'm glad you have someone to snot on. :)
ReplyDeleteTears are the healing waters of the soul my love and maybe theres still a little more healing to do we all know just losing the weight isnt everything - is it??? And now let me say this and do not for one second think I am saying "oh you may not be pretty/skinny/hot/sexy" or whatever because I am certainly NOT saying that cause you get the"Hot Bandster of the Year" award from me fo sho! What I want to say is - man, your energy, your personality, your quirkiness, your humour, your compassion (and the list goes on) are all worthy of envy and are gifts that cannot be earned through excercise or discipline and are what made you beautiful even when physically you were not the standard description of beautiful. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and working with what we've got is what makes us beautiful attractive and successful and you've got that in spades my love! Shine on my lil star!
ReplyDeleteAwww - I'm sorry you felt this way. Its also nice to know I'm not alone in feeling sorry/mad/frustrated/hopeless once in a while. I'm glad your better and I have watch you also weigh the same as me and then pass me. It makes me want to figure out what I'm doing wrong and you're doing right. It inspires me to figure it out and make changes!
ReplyDeleteI just laughed out loud at Bonnie's remark above... I, too, am glad you have someone like Heather to snot on! LOL!
you made me cry. (can i put my head on your lap?).... i hear ya on trying not to be mad about how stretched out we got before.
ReplyDeletei guess it is good to get it out sometimes, no? and i think heather needed to *hear* it so she knows what kind of support you need....
Um yes - after naked....I zoned out. You know me and whootenannies. Anywhoozle...this does happen to everyone who loses weight and it IS disheartening. I mean really - I spent 5k on my stomach to end my journey and still Amy? My body has stretch marks and places that aren't flat and sometimes I feel like one big scar - boobie reduction, C-section and tummy tuck. But what the hell? I earned every mark, roll and scar on this body and 99% of the time I love them all...but 1% of the time - I feel like you did in this post. Totally normal and makes us more grateful for the days when we are able to love ourselves.
ReplyDelete<3 Hugs <3 and <3 Kisses <3! I am glad that you had a shoulder (um, lap) to cry on! We all feel this way, it sucks, but we do "soldier on". Please always remember how far you have come and how beautiful you are! <3
ReplyDeleteWhen I shrink I want to look just like you. Sexy and beautiful and muscular and absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. I want your hair, even. You are perfect, Amy. Absolutely perfect.
ReplyDeleteI understand the need for these breakdowns and I like that you "know" that comparisons are bad. I think it's all part of the journey and you have come such a very long way!
You are gorgeous. Inside and out. The kind of gorgeous I want to be...
Ok.. read this.. YOU ARE NOT FAT.. have you really looked at your pictures lately!!.. you are about as sexy as they get..
ReplyDeleteI gotta say.. the snot part intrigued me.. .. I think I have had a few of those types of cries..
Hang in there sweetie
Just...:::hugs:::. I don't think anyone who has been morbidly obese, lived that lifestyle, lived with that torture, etc. can ever, truly, get over those insecurities.
ReplyDeleteI have felt the same way the last few weeks because I have been busting ass since last month and working out and eating soooo freakin healthy and clean and still the scale is a complete bitch and only letting go of a couple of ounces a week and it's bullshit! But as long as you feel good and are doing right then you just have to take what you can. Hopefully the scale will catch up eventually. I have been paying more attention to my clothes and that helps some.
ReplyDelete