For those of you how were around the lapband blogosphere at the dawn of 2010, many bloggers picked a word. A word to represent or guide them through the new year.
I did not.
You see, I have to tell you something. Sometimes if everyone else is doing something, there is this part of my brain that yells "I WILL NOT DO IT". It's sort of like blog awards. I get a little hivey and irrational about it all.
blah blah
So, for some reason this year...I have been thinking about a word. My word is TRUST.
You see, I have spent a great deal of time lately doubting, fearing, wondering, UNtrusting people, life, myself.
And there is not much point to it really.
In fact, I do believe that worrying--if you give it too much power--becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So I am going to TRUST more this year. I am going to trust in the path of life, trust in my abilities, trust in my selfworth, trust in Heather's love, trust in the power that I know I can tap.
Whenever I start letting all the scary negative talk take over inside my head I try to remind myself to TRUST.
And I am working on stopping that negative talk. It's hard. But if I can block out at least 75%, it will be a good step in the right direction.
I TRUST I can do it!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Now Entering Phase 4: Operation Second Wind
Mmmmkay. So I was trying to be clever last night and was giving some thought to the idea of how to categorize the different phases of my lapbandtimeograph. (I just made that up...feel free to borrow).
So let us look at the phases I came up with.
Phase One: My first year (and my hitting my goal for that first year of 120 pounds down)
Phase Two: The time it took to get from my first year to my final goal to see 170 pounds on Mr. Scale.
Phase Three: Maintenance
and introducing the newest addition to the Phase channel..
Phase Four: Second Wind
So, I have been at or around goal for at least 6 months now. I have found that I can maintain my body weight by eating like a normal person and working out. And I am okay with where I am. Or I was...but now I am bored. Just a little. And just a little off track. So I have decided to make a new goal.
And I sit here afraid to type it.
...
Okay fine. I have set a new goal of 150 pounds.
WHHHHAAAA?
A majority of you who are at goal picked a weight lower than mine. Several of you guys are there! So I got to thinking...why not? And in all honestly, I would be just fine at 160. But I think 150 is a nice stretch goal for me. The problem is...I don't know if that is where I want or need to be. I am sure I could "diet down" to 150. I don't know if I want to do what it takes to maintain 150. Heather is a bit concerned that 150 on me may be too thin.
So we shall see.
I am kind of looking forward to weighing on a regular basis again. I am looking forward to seeing a new size. To seeing what my body looks like a little less.
Here is the game plan.
Heather puts on a Biggest Loser competition for our organization twice a year. Starting January 4th, it will be Biggest Loser partners. My partner is Lisa, who at the moment weighs 170 pounds. The winning team is the team who has the highest percentage of weight loss at the end of three months.
I want us both to lose 10%. This should be enough to secure the title of WINNERS. In the past, several bigger people have won...but even last year the male winner only had a total weight loss of 7%. I like a little friendly competition. And both Lisa and I are good at running our mouths. So let it begin. This weekend I am loading up on salt and calories to pump the scale up a little on weigh in day. Cheating you say? Not so much (bc I have wind of others doing the same thing).
My plan of attack looks like this.
I am giving up pop/soda...at least for the 3 months of the competition. Do you remember how good I used to be at drinking water? Do you remember when I gave up sunkist last year for months and months? I can do it again. And it will help.
I am will still lift weights at least 3 times a week (currently I do an hour 4-5 days a week), but I will also do at least 3 days of cardio.
I am revisiting some of my less than stellar eating habits. For example, I eat fast food A LOT compared to hardly NEVER during my first year of weight loss. This means I need to make sure I bring food to work for meals.
I am cutting back on unhealthy snacking at work. Grazing is, and will always be, a huge area of problem-os for me. So less grazing.
And since I am giving up pop, I might as well give up beer and sangria.
Sigh.
And that's about it. I am getting a fill on January 5th. I only had 2 last year total. And let's be honest...I don't have much restriction right now. So I am excited and a wee bit nervous to go back to restriction land.
So wish me luck. I will keep you posted...
FO SHO!
So let us look at the phases I came up with.
Phase One: My first year (and my hitting my goal for that first year of 120 pounds down)
Phase Two: The time it took to get from my first year to my final goal to see 170 pounds on Mr. Scale.
Phase Three: Maintenance
and introducing the newest addition to the Phase channel..
Phase Four: Second Wind
So, I have been at or around goal for at least 6 months now. I have found that I can maintain my body weight by eating like a normal person and working out. And I am okay with where I am. Or I was...but now I am bored. Just a little. And just a little off track. So I have decided to make a new goal.
And I sit here afraid to type it.
...
Okay fine. I have set a new goal of 150 pounds.
WHHHHAAAA?
A majority of you who are at goal picked a weight lower than mine. Several of you guys are there! So I got to thinking...why not? And in all honestly, I would be just fine at 160. But I think 150 is a nice stretch goal for me. The problem is...I don't know if that is where I want or need to be. I am sure I could "diet down" to 150. I don't know if I want to do what it takes to maintain 150. Heather is a bit concerned that 150 on me may be too thin.
So we shall see.
I am kind of looking forward to weighing on a regular basis again. I am looking forward to seeing a new size. To seeing what my body looks like a little less.
Here is the game plan.
Heather puts on a Biggest Loser competition for our organization twice a year. Starting January 4th, it will be Biggest Loser partners. My partner is Lisa, who at the moment weighs 170 pounds. The winning team is the team who has the highest percentage of weight loss at the end of three months.
I want us both to lose 10%. This should be enough to secure the title of WINNERS. In the past, several bigger people have won...but even last year the male winner only had a total weight loss of 7%. I like a little friendly competition. And both Lisa and I are good at running our mouths. So let it begin. This weekend I am loading up on salt and calories to pump the scale up a little on weigh in day. Cheating you say? Not so much (bc I have wind of others doing the same thing).
My plan of attack looks like this.
I am giving up pop/soda...at least for the 3 months of the competition. Do you remember how good I used to be at drinking water? Do you remember when I gave up sunkist last year for months and months? I can do it again. And it will help.
I am will still lift weights at least 3 times a week (currently I do an hour 4-5 days a week), but I will also do at least 3 days of cardio.
I am revisiting some of my less than stellar eating habits. For example, I eat fast food A LOT compared to hardly NEVER during my first year of weight loss. This means I need to make sure I bring food to work for meals.
I am cutting back on unhealthy snacking at work. Grazing is, and will always be, a huge area of problem-os for me. So less grazing.
And since I am giving up pop, I might as well give up beer and sangria.
Sigh.
And that's about it. I am getting a fill on January 5th. I only had 2 last year total. And let's be honest...I don't have much restriction right now. So I am excited and a wee bit nervous to go back to restriction land.
So wish me luck. I will keep you posted...
FO SHO!
Christmas In Pictures
Woke up Christmas morning a big fat snowflakes falling on Northern Alabama. Doing "The Runway" on the neighbors boat.
The shot glass my brother got me. HAHAHAH...he won the best shotglass for Christmas contest FO SHO!
Christmas afternoon. Taking the first of many jolly shots.
I have no idea why I was laughing. But I love pictures like this. My brother is special.
Me and my dad.
Rachel had just taken a shot and I was rubbing her throat to help it go down. Good friends do that ya know.
No idea what I am doing here. Perhaps I had been "touched".
As any typical week of vacation, it flew by. We had a great time. Ate, drank, made merry. I hope however you spent the holidays, you did the same!
The shot glass my brother got me. HAHAHAH...he won the best shotglass for Christmas contest FO SHO!
Christmas afternoon. Taking the first of many jolly shots.
I have no idea why I was laughing. But I love pictures like this. My brother is special.
Me and my dad.
Rachel had just taken a shot and I was rubbing her throat to help it go down. Good friends do that ya know.
No idea what I am doing here. Perhaps I had been "touched".
As any typical week of vacation, it flew by. We had a great time. Ate, drank, made merry. I hope however you spent the holidays, you did the same!I am pumped about 2011 and what it holds!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
For Your Consideration. A Re-Introduction
My name is Amy. My middle name is Irene.
I was born on September 8th, 1979 to Marji and Al.
I was the third child. My sister is 16 years my senior, my brother is 8 years my senior. And I, the chosen one, was a request of my mother...who knew there was a little Amy floating around waiting to be born.
My sister said I came out looking for a camera and ready to pose. She also says my brother screamed "Put her back in" after they told him I was a girl (even though my mom had warned him I was going to be of the female persuasion).
I grew up in a loving and comfortable middle class family on the outskirts of Topeka, Kansas. I had close to 20 barbies, give or take. I carried them around in a big trunk. I loved make believe. And I loved to make people happy.
I was bossy. I was funny. I was loud. I was bigger than most of my friends. But I wasn't fat. Although if you would have asked me at age five...I would have told you otherwise.
Somewhere in middle school I did become "fat". But I danced, cheered, acted, dated, and existed as a social being. But being fat defined me on the outside, regardless of whether or not it defined me on the outside.
I kept gaining weight, and by the time I graduated high school, I was 275 pounds.
I dilly-dallied in college for the better part of a decade (8 years to be exact). I majored in theatre for awhile, and then decided I didn't need that...because let's face it. I was dramatic enough. Then I majored in education, because not to sound bragadocious, I have a gift with challenging kids. But, then I decided I wanted to be rich when I grew up...and I graduated with a degree in Communication. What better field for the girl who always had "talks to much" on her report cards?
By the time I graduated college and moved to Florida...I weighed over 300 pounds.
At some point you stop thinking. You just eat. You drive to 3 different fast food restaurants on the way home. You just eat. You quiet the part of your brain that is trying to scream "you are killing yourself" by muffling it with hamburger buns and ice cream.
And eventually, that voice becomes so mute that its just a gentle hum inside your brain.
And then one day, the girl who loved the camera...didn't anymore.
The girl who could water ski...couldn't anymore.
The girl who loved to dance...didn't want to dance anymore.
And I decided to have weight loss surgery.
I was banded January 27th, 2009. I weighed 327.
I knew, because my doctor was clear, that with the Lapband...I could possibly lose ZERO pounds. I knew that I could fail the band. I could cheat it.
I chose not too. Well, most days I chose not too.
By my one year bandiversary, I had lost 120 pounds. I am currently at 160 pounds lost. (Give or take a few depending on the day, the tilt of the earth, the color of the wind).
I can't say that I am a much different person than I was then. I was sitting her mulling the thought over in my mind, and I have decided that I am the same person, just healthier...and happier.
But I was loved before. I was happy before. I enjoyed me some food before. I was too emotional, too much, too feast or famine. I am still all of those things. But I have captured so many of the "wants" that lived inside of me.
I wanted to be free of the restraints morbid obesity shackles you with. I wanted to be able to run and play, to swim, ski, dance, love, make love...LIVE...without my fat suit. And while you can certainly do many, if not all of those things, when you are overweight...it is not as easy.
This path I have been on for nearly 2 years has brought so many unexpected challenges, yet it has also given me so many unexpected gifts. I think we all battle our own demons. Some of my demons may be yours. Some may be all my own. And the band, or weight loss in general, can help you face some of those.
The emotional and mental hurdles I faced pre-band are still there. I still struggle with self-worth. I still am too emotional, too loud, too much. But now my PHYSICAL health doesn't hinder me or add to it. My physical health pulls me up.
I hope that we never stop finding ourselves. I hope my weight loss journey gives weigh (pun) to another one. There is peace in the possibilities of life I think. There is peace in the consistency of chaos.
And there you have my re-introduction. I know I have some new followers. I know that sometimes we forget what we read two years ago. I know that this community is a meca of support and friendship. I also know that it is cathartic to just write sometimes...and lately I have been trying to clear my mind and know what I know...worry less about the unknown. So I wanted you to know what I know about me.
Thank you for reading, for commenting, for emailing, for FBing, for Boobing it up.
Keep fighting the good fight.
Amy
I was born on September 8th, 1979 to Marji and Al.
I was the third child. My sister is 16 years my senior, my brother is 8 years my senior. And I, the chosen one, was a request of my mother...who knew there was a little Amy floating around waiting to be born.
My sister said I came out looking for a camera and ready to pose. She also says my brother screamed "Put her back in" after they told him I was a girl (even though my mom had warned him I was going to be of the female persuasion).
I grew up in a loving and comfortable middle class family on the outskirts of Topeka, Kansas. I had close to 20 barbies, give or take. I carried them around in a big trunk. I loved make believe. And I loved to make people happy.
I was bossy. I was funny. I was loud. I was bigger than most of my friends. But I wasn't fat. Although if you would have asked me at age five...I would have told you otherwise.
Somewhere in middle school I did become "fat". But I danced, cheered, acted, dated, and existed as a social being. But being fat defined me on the outside, regardless of whether or not it defined me on the outside.
I kept gaining weight, and by the time I graduated high school, I was 275 pounds.
I dilly-dallied in college for the better part of a decade (8 years to be exact). I majored in theatre for awhile, and then decided I didn't need that...because let's face it. I was dramatic enough. Then I majored in education, because not to sound bragadocious, I have a gift with challenging kids. But, then I decided I wanted to be rich when I grew up...and I graduated with a degree in Communication. What better field for the girl who always had "talks to much" on her report cards?
By the time I graduated college and moved to Florida...I weighed over 300 pounds.
At some point you stop thinking. You just eat. You drive to 3 different fast food restaurants on the way home. You just eat. You quiet the part of your brain that is trying to scream "you are killing yourself" by muffling it with hamburger buns and ice cream.
And eventually, that voice becomes so mute that its just a gentle hum inside your brain.
And then one day, the girl who loved the camera...didn't anymore.
The girl who could water ski...couldn't anymore.
The girl who loved to dance...didn't want to dance anymore.
And I decided to have weight loss surgery.
I was banded January 27th, 2009. I weighed 327.
I knew, because my doctor was clear, that with the Lapband...I could possibly lose ZERO pounds. I knew that I could fail the band. I could cheat it.
I chose not too. Well, most days I chose not too.
By my one year bandiversary, I had lost 120 pounds. I am currently at 160 pounds lost. (Give or take a few depending on the day, the tilt of the earth, the color of the wind).
I can't say that I am a much different person than I was then. I was sitting her mulling the thought over in my mind, and I have decided that I am the same person, just healthier...and happier.
But I was loved before. I was happy before. I enjoyed me some food before. I was too emotional, too much, too feast or famine. I am still all of those things. But I have captured so many of the "wants" that lived inside of me.
I wanted to be free of the restraints morbid obesity shackles you with. I wanted to be able to run and play, to swim, ski, dance, love, make love...LIVE...without my fat suit. And while you can certainly do many, if not all of those things, when you are overweight...it is not as easy.
This path I have been on for nearly 2 years has brought so many unexpected challenges, yet it has also given me so many unexpected gifts. I think we all battle our own demons. Some of my demons may be yours. Some may be all my own. And the band, or weight loss in general, can help you face some of those.
The emotional and mental hurdles I faced pre-band are still there. I still struggle with self-worth. I still am too emotional, too loud, too much. But now my PHYSICAL health doesn't hinder me or add to it. My physical health pulls me up.
I hope that we never stop finding ourselves. I hope my weight loss journey gives weigh (pun) to another one. There is peace in the possibilities of life I think. There is peace in the consistency of chaos.
And there you have my re-introduction. I know I have some new followers. I know that sometimes we forget what we read two years ago. I know that this community is a meca of support and friendship. I also know that it is cathartic to just write sometimes...and lately I have been trying to clear my mind and know what I know...worry less about the unknown. So I wanted you to know what I know about me.
Thank you for reading, for commenting, for emailing, for FBing, for Boobing it up.
Keep fighting the good fight.
Amy
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Have a Good Smok(ey Mountain Vacation)
Greetings and good tidings from Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Heather and I are at the end of our 3 day, 3 night Smokey Mountain visit...and soon we will load up the truck and head back to my parents for the remainder of the Christmas holiday.
Yesterday we went to a park of the National Park called Cade's Cove. We had heard about it from Henry and Heather...and have been anxious to see it ever since. You enter on a one way loop and drive at your own pace...we saw turkeys, deers, and elephants.
Okay...so not elephants. But other wildlife. I was trying to call black bears out of the forest, but it turns out they must not respond to "here kitty kitty".
Very very pretty. And we had a great time driving around for hours, taking pictures, laughing...aw....I forgot I never gave you and update on the First Annual Gainey-Workman (mostly Workman) Holiday Shindig! It went pretty darn good! We had about 13 people there, which is a good limit for our little house. I made too much food (of course), and we played Just Dance 2 for the Wii. Have you guys played this? I played it one time a couple of weeks ago, and was dying to battle again. You just hold the remote in your hand and mimic the dancing figure on tv, so theoretically, all you have to move is that one hand...but you quickly forget that and if you are like me, focus a lot on your ass and facial movements.
The first dance I was really going at it. Big facial movements, hips shaking, dropping it like it's hot. Well, then I added some strong arm movements...and hit myself in the mouth with the controller. There was a little blood. A little swelling. But this is a sacrifice of a trained dancer. Me and Natalie Portman. We are committed.
Only a few more days until Christmas! Whatever you have planned and wherever you are, I hope you find yourself happy, content, and safe.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Cry Baby
I hate when I want so badly to blog about something, but that something involves the lives of others...and I want to respect privacy...but this something is totally breaking my heart and has wove itself into my daily functions that I am just going to put it out here, with the least amount of personal disclosure for the person involved.
My lapband doctor is not doing well. He is battling a pretty serious health issue. And I am afraid for him. And I scared, and worried, and heartbroken. He is a young, kind, funny, successful doctor, really at the beginning of what I could only imagine to be a tremendous career filled with so many opportunities to change lives...
And yet he is faced with this huge obstacle.
I dream about him. And I know YOU know that I have dreamt about him before (can you blame me?), but these dreams are on the up and up. I wake up sad. And today, while I was working out, I started to cry.
Whenever I do sit up ons the ball, I always put one hand over my port. It sticks out and I like to hold it. I pretend it's the easy button. Anyways, feeling my port made me think of him. So I moved onto lunges, and then the tears started. I kept my head down long enough to pull my shit together....but still.
It's just another reminder that life is so unpredictable and you never know when...It makes me mad.
And so I scheduled a fill for January. It's not like I cant walk over to his office and pop in, but I want some time with him to give him a hug and tell him honestly...if there is anything I can do...let me know. I also need a fill, because even though I can still get stuck at random times, I am pretty much operating on very little restriction.
So there you have it.
I may delete this post after a few days because I am not sure this is my business to share...but I wanted to let you guys know.
My lapband doctor is not doing well. He is battling a pretty serious health issue. And I am afraid for him. And I scared, and worried, and heartbroken. He is a young, kind, funny, successful doctor, really at the beginning of what I could only imagine to be a tremendous career filled with so many opportunities to change lives...
And yet he is faced with this huge obstacle.
I dream about him. And I know YOU know that I have dreamt about him before (can you blame me?), but these dreams are on the up and up. I wake up sad. And today, while I was working out, I started to cry.
Whenever I do sit up ons the ball, I always put one hand over my port. It sticks out and I like to hold it. I pretend it's the easy button. Anyways, feeling my port made me think of him. So I moved onto lunges, and then the tears started. I kept my head down long enough to pull my shit together....but still.
It's just another reminder that life is so unpredictable and you never know when...It makes me mad.
And so I scheduled a fill for January. It's not like I cant walk over to his office and pop in, but I want some time with him to give him a hug and tell him honestly...if there is anything I can do...let me know. I also need a fill, because even though I can still get stuck at random times, I am pretty much operating on very little restriction.
So there you have it.
I may delete this post after a few days because I am not sure this is my business to share...but I wanted to let you guys know.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Oh Boy Oh Boy, Somebody Has Their Excited Panties On
Fun times are just days away my friends! And I am starting to get excited.
Shall I let you in on my plans? Do I dare? Because who knows who stalks this blog that might exercise malice towards my holiday cheer...but I can't keep it in much longer. I shall bullet my excitement for you.
Shall I let you in on my plans? Do I dare? Because who knows who stalks this blog that might exercise malice towards my holiday cheer...but I can't keep it in much longer. I shall bullet my excitement for you.
- Starting tomorrow, Heather and I will have the house to ourselves for the remainder of the week and all weekend! HOLLLLA! That is a present in and of itself.
- Heather has granted me permission to have a small holiday shindig (what is officially known as The First Annual Gainey-Workman (mostly Workman) Holiday Shindig, at our house on Saturday. I love to entertain. Man I do. I have put up inside Christmas decorations, bought the food to make, and I am ready. I promise to take some pictures. FO SHO!
- All Christmas shopping is done. Truth be told, I didnt enjoy it as much this year. Money i so tight, so it hindered how much I could buy...and mommy no like that. But it's done, and at least I will get to spend time with my most favorite people over the next two weeks.
- Monday we leave for the Smokey's in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Will we stop at my parents Monday night and then drive on Tuesday morning. We stay for 3 days, 2 nights and I am praying for snow! I am pumped to be away from the rest of the world and just be with Heather.
- THEN, we will head back to my parents boat for a few day and then Christmas day my brother, girlfriend, and the kids will come down. Instead of gifts, I told my brother he and Rachel had to find me and Heather the tackiest shot glasses Nashville had to offer (where they live) and we would do the same down here in Pensacola. We will wrap them, exchange them, and then shoot Patron. Nothing says Christmas like tequila. Yes?
- And then back to work for a few day and then New Years Eve will be spent in Defuniak. Usually I just bang pans at midnight, but I think I might shoot a shotgun this year :)
So that's it. All the things I am uber excited about.
Yes? Yes!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Things I Will Never Understand: The Heavy Version
I wanted to preface this post with the Light Version of Things I Will Never Understand, bc I knew that I wanted to write about some more serious issues in this one. So if you are reading out of order, go back and read the other post...have a giggle...
There are some things that I struggle with on a daily basis. Things that I just can't understand. And most of those things deal with other people. Other humans. And in all honesty, I don't know if I SHOULD even try to understand...bc people are crazy. And that is a fact.
But I do not understand, what I will now term as, Perpetual Miserites. Perpetual Miserites are people who live in the village of perpetual misery. They wallow around in it, cover themselves in it, and then scream or moan from the pile of horseshit they have created about how miserable they are. And because they are so miserable, they want...with every ounce of their being, to make others miserable.
That is the only thing that brings them "happiness".
I do not understand these people.
It is true that life comes with no manual. No "How To" for easy living. And it is true that some people had shitty childhoods, or crappy parents, or shitty partners and lovers. But I do not believe, that ultimately, that gives you an excuse to be a shitty person. I believe that on most days, most of us have a choice in the way our day, week, or life is going to look. As I write this, and in all the thought I have given this over the last few months, I am fully aware that when I complain or feel sad that I am not putting up my Christmas tree this year, or that I hate my living situation...it is my choice where I live and what I choose to do or not to do.
It really is up to me.
And sometimes we make sacrificies because there are often more human beings that rely on us or are tied to our actions. Most of us don't operate independently.
But...
I don't understand wanting or choosing to bring others down.
And here is where I struggle. Because I don't understand it, because I don't believe in it, and because it is the opposite of where I come from emotionally and mentally...I am not sure how to deal with it.
I want to shake Perpetual Miserites and say FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! But the other part of me, the Good Amy wants to show them that no matter how horrible they are, I will not be horrible in return. But that can become exhausting. And what ends up happening is I do become Bad Amy and decide to give them a dose of their own medicine. Which doesn't feel good...but I want to say "Why am I trying if you aren't"?
I typically would say rid yourself of these negative people. I hear you saying now "Well, you have a CHOICE don't you Amy". And you are right. I do. And I am choosing to try and deal for awhile. I am trying to make the best of what it is right now.
Yuck. I hate that.
So I don't know what the best way to deal with the situation is. I don't know how to be the better person. I don't know if I should ignore or try to lift the Miserite.
And do you know what REALLY chaps my hide? When these people who are nothing but assholes to you for weeks on weeks, then want something from you.
WHAAAAAT? You gotta be kidding me right.
But there is that part of me that wants to help because I think it is the right thing to do.
ARGH
I just don't know.
What I am trying to do is focus on the happiness in my life. I am trying to remind myself I shouldn't give power or energy to an evil spirit (it's like playing with a Ouji board...never a good idea). I am trying to find respite in what I do know, in who I do love, and what I know is good.
I welcome your thoughts though.
There are some things that I struggle with on a daily basis. Things that I just can't understand. And most of those things deal with other people. Other humans. And in all honesty, I don't know if I SHOULD even try to understand...bc people are crazy. And that is a fact.
But I do not understand, what I will now term as, Perpetual Miserites. Perpetual Miserites are people who live in the village of perpetual misery. They wallow around in it, cover themselves in it, and then scream or moan from the pile of horseshit they have created about how miserable they are. And because they are so miserable, they want...with every ounce of their being, to make others miserable.
That is the only thing that brings them "happiness".
I do not understand these people.
It is true that life comes with no manual. No "How To" for easy living. And it is true that some people had shitty childhoods, or crappy parents, or shitty partners and lovers. But I do not believe, that ultimately, that gives you an excuse to be a shitty person. I believe that on most days, most of us have a choice in the way our day, week, or life is going to look. As I write this, and in all the thought I have given this over the last few months, I am fully aware that when I complain or feel sad that I am not putting up my Christmas tree this year, or that I hate my living situation...it is my choice where I live and what I choose to do or not to do.
It really is up to me.
And sometimes we make sacrificies because there are often more human beings that rely on us or are tied to our actions. Most of us don't operate independently.
But...
I don't understand wanting or choosing to bring others down.
And here is where I struggle. Because I don't understand it, because I don't believe in it, and because it is the opposite of where I come from emotionally and mentally...I am not sure how to deal with it.
I want to shake Perpetual Miserites and say FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! But the other part of me, the Good Amy wants to show them that no matter how horrible they are, I will not be horrible in return. But that can become exhausting. And what ends up happening is I do become Bad Amy and decide to give them a dose of their own medicine. Which doesn't feel good...but I want to say "Why am I trying if you aren't"?
I typically would say rid yourself of these negative people. I hear you saying now "Well, you have a CHOICE don't you Amy". And you are right. I do. And I am choosing to try and deal for awhile. I am trying to make the best of what it is right now.
Yuck. I hate that.
So I don't know what the best way to deal with the situation is. I don't know how to be the better person. I don't know if I should ignore or try to lift the Miserite.
And do you know what REALLY chaps my hide? When these people who are nothing but assholes to you for weeks on weeks, then want something from you.
WHAAAAAT? You gotta be kidding me right.
But there is that part of me that wants to help because I think it is the right thing to do.
ARGH
I just don't know.
What I am trying to do is focus on the happiness in my life. I am trying to remind myself I shouldn't give power or energy to an evil spirit (it's like playing with a Ouji board...never a good idea). I am trying to find respite in what I do know, in who I do love, and what I know is good.
I welcome your thoughts though.
Things I Will Never Understand: The Light Version
1. Wearing your pants so slow and/or so big you have to hold the crotch with one hand at all times. Seriously? How and why?
2. Handwashing. It's slightly overrated. I am just going to put it out there. Do you think in the olden days that are great-grandparents rinsed and washed and counted to 20 while sudsing up all the time? No. And they lived. Granted...they lived on average, 20 years less than the normal life expectancy of today *, but still. There is nothing a good case of dysentery won't teach you**
*I made that statistic up
**I don't even really know what dysentery is or if you can get it from dirty hands.
3. People who don't flush. By choice. My sister used to have this motto, "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down." Uh no. My motto is "Flush it...everytime and sometimes in between."
4. Panty lines. I do understand that sometime one does not know they have a panty line. But when you are all dressed up and looking good in either some slacks or a nice little skirt, and I can see your panty line cutting your ass cheek in half...it ruins it for me. Why even try? I promise you...there are comfy thongs out there. Don't be scurred. Try some different styles. OR, just don't wear any underwear! That would never work for me of course bc I have lady balls and they need support. But for you...MAYBE!
5. Inside farts. Do you know what I am talking about? When you can't let it out and you hold it in and then you actually here the fart...inside of you? That can't be good can it? Where does it go?
6. Republicans. HAHAHAHAH...juuuuust kidding. I love republican, democrats, independents... But that was kinda funny for a second right?
7. The smell of Carmex. Must it smell like Vic's Vapor Rub? Does that make it "serious" chapstick?
8. Pickles that don't have calories. How can something not have any calories? And if a calorie is a unit of energy, then does that mean if I ate a jar of pickles I wouldn't get any energy? So if I was on Survivor or something, it would be pointless to eat them?
9. People who don't like cheese. Makes no sense to me.
10. People who make their status updates on Facebook something super vague and super leading at the same time. A good example..."I can't believe that happened to me. It was horrible. Don't ask me what. I can't talk about it".
THEN WHY DID YOU POST THAT DAMN STATUS UPDATE? You feel me? You dig?
2. Handwashing. It's slightly overrated. I am just going to put it out there. Do you think in the olden days that are great-grandparents rinsed and washed and counted to 20 while sudsing up all the time? No. And they lived. Granted...they lived on average, 20 years less than the normal life expectancy of today *, but still. There is nothing a good case of dysentery won't teach you**
*I made that statistic up
**I don't even really know what dysentery is or if you can get it from dirty hands.
3. People who don't flush. By choice. My sister used to have this motto, "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down." Uh no. My motto is "Flush it...everytime and sometimes in between."
4. Panty lines. I do understand that sometime one does not know they have a panty line. But when you are all dressed up and looking good in either some slacks or a nice little skirt, and I can see your panty line cutting your ass cheek in half...it ruins it for me. Why even try? I promise you...there are comfy thongs out there. Don't be scurred. Try some different styles. OR, just don't wear any underwear! That would never work for me of course bc I have lady balls and they need support. But for you...MAYBE!
5. Inside farts. Do you know what I am talking about? When you can't let it out and you hold it in and then you actually here the fart...inside of you? That can't be good can it? Where does it go?
6. Republicans. HAHAHAHAH...juuuuust kidding. I love republican, democrats, independents... But that was kinda funny for a second right?
7. The smell of Carmex. Must it smell like Vic's Vapor Rub? Does that make it "serious" chapstick?
8. Pickles that don't have calories. How can something not have any calories? And if a calorie is a unit of energy, then does that mean if I ate a jar of pickles I wouldn't get any energy? So if I was on Survivor or something, it would be pointless to eat them?
9. People who don't like cheese. Makes no sense to me.
10. People who make their status updates on Facebook something super vague and super leading at the same time. A good example..."I can't believe that happened to me. It was horrible. Don't ask me what. I can't talk about it".
THEN WHY DID YOU POST THAT DAMN STATUS UPDATE? You feel me? You dig?
Monday, December 6, 2010
A Few Pictures...Minus 160 Pounds
Although I have been at goal for months now, I don't think I ever did the official side by sides. Better late than never :)
It's funny, I saw my "new" back view and said YUCK, but then when I saw my "old" back view...I said...mmmmmkkkay. I will take it.
Oh batwings. They are a little less these days...although now they live in the cave called my ArmPit.
My tummy a day or two post op.
And now. Yes. Stretch marks are forever.
I hope you werent eating breakfast :0 ) Happy Monday!
The Fat Pants Vlog
A special shout out goes to Carmen...who upon request...sent me a pair of "fat pants". I gave all mine away, and months ago...she was offering up an exact pair, identical to mine...
Thanks Carmen.
Thanks Carmen.
Friday, December 3, 2010
You May Not Have Been Born With Good "Jeans"...But You Can Buy Them
Here I am...January 27th, 2009...waiting for the placement of Tina. Waiting to be banded. I had lost a few L.B's here...so I was probably at 321.
And here I am today. Weighing in at 167. In my brand new Big Star jeans (that's the brand...I didn't make it up).
I couldn't have imagined being here. But I sure am thankful I made it. And I am glad my girlfriend made me go back into the store and try on jeans. I still don't feel like I fit in. I still feel like the sales girls are looking at me and saying "Lane Bryant is down a few doors". But I am normal (well, as normal as I can get).
And here I am today. Weighing in at 167. In my brand new Big Star jeans (that's the brand...I didn't make it up). 
I couldn't have imagined being here. But I sure am thankful I made it. And I am glad my girlfriend made me go back into the store and try on jeans. I still don't feel like I fit in. I still feel like the sales girls are looking at me and saying "Lane Bryant is down a few doors". But I am normal (well, as normal as I can get). And it feels good.
If I did it. You can do it.
You ARE doing it.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Maintaining-ology
Don't look that word up folks. I made it up. And it's cool.
But I would like to talk to the class today about maintaining your goal weight. I can only speak for myself, but for those of you who have "arrived", feel free to chime in.
Life is much easier at the maintenance stage.
Let me rephrase. Maintaining my weight is much easier than actively trying to lose it. I was really worried about IF I was going to be able to maintain my goal weight. And for the most part, over the last...how long has it been?...4 months?...I have fluctuate 3 pounds above or below my goal of 170. I pretty much eat whatever type of food I want. I just don't usually eat TONS of it. This week I am being a good bandster (I will get to that in a moment), but on my "normal" weeks, I may eat cheetos and oreos for breakfast, whatever for lunch, some candy, whatever for dinner. Might throw a few regular sodas in there as well.
I am not bragging. It's not always the healthiest choices. But it's real. Now, with that said, if I don't check myself once in awhile and eat good stuff consistently for a day or two, I am sure I would gain. But...I know if I go up a few pounds it's time to reevaluate and get back on track.
Working out saves me. I know it does. Working out is why I have a little "cush" if you will with my food choices. There is no doubt in my mind, if I hadnt built up my muscles, if I didnt burn at least 350 calories a day doing weights...that I would not burn as many calories just "idling". And trust me, I am not going to give you the "workout lecture". You know the one...because telling someone they need to work out is like telling someone they need to dump their jackass of a boyfriend (or girlfriend). Until someone is ready and makes the choice to do it...they aren't going to do it.
Now...I KNOW you are saying "but she's got Heather". And you are right. But I worked out before Heather. I certainly work out much harder, and better with her now. She is for sure my motivation that gets me out of bed in the morning and makes me push myself though. So maybe it takes finding your motivation. I rent Heather out just in case you are wondering.
But...I digress.
My point, which I have not made very well, is that maintaining takes work, but it's not hell. It's so funny to me now. I remember when having a candy bar, or one cookie, or a diet soda would have made me feel so guilty. Now...not so much. I know it's OKAY. Of course, I wouldn't have lost 120 pounds that first year if I had operated in that mentality that it's okay. Because when you are in the losing phase, and if you are in a hurry to get to a goal (as most of us are), then you do have to really work your band and be diligent.
But in the end...it will be okay.
I ate two pieces of toast the other day with cinnamon sugar on them. Yum. And they went down with no problem. At my tightest, I wouldn't have been able to eat one. I ate some cereal with banana's for breakfast this morning. At my tightest, I couldn't eat cereal.
So, I could be tighter. But I don't want to be. And right now I don't need to be. And I hope this is the healthy progression of us with bands. I will always want and need my band, but perhaps we can learn to depend on it a little less once we are in maintenance?
SOooooo....with all that said. I have decided that would like to hover closer to the 160's than the 170's. Which mean I won't be eating oreos or cheetos for breakfast for awhile. I have added in a little cardio either before or after my circuit class. Monday and Tuesday I ran a quick mile, and today I ran two. I can keep a steady 10:45 pace, and today I ran the last half a mile at a 9:30 pace. I have also introduce *gasp* water back into my system. I am hoping it might also help with my complexion...since that's been a little lackluster as of late.
So there you go.
A real band related post.
Happy Wednesday loves!
But I would like to talk to the class today about maintaining your goal weight. I can only speak for myself, but for those of you who have "arrived", feel free to chime in.
Life is much easier at the maintenance stage.
Let me rephrase. Maintaining my weight is much easier than actively trying to lose it. I was really worried about IF I was going to be able to maintain my goal weight. And for the most part, over the last...how long has it been?...4 months?...I have fluctuate 3 pounds above or below my goal of 170. I pretty much eat whatever type of food I want. I just don't usually eat TONS of it. This week I am being a good bandster (I will get to that in a moment), but on my "normal" weeks, I may eat cheetos and oreos for breakfast, whatever for lunch, some candy, whatever for dinner. Might throw a few regular sodas in there as well.
I am not bragging. It's not always the healthiest choices. But it's real. Now, with that said, if I don't check myself once in awhile and eat good stuff consistently for a day or two, I am sure I would gain. But...I know if I go up a few pounds it's time to reevaluate and get back on track.
Working out saves me. I know it does. Working out is why I have a little "cush" if you will with my food choices. There is no doubt in my mind, if I hadnt built up my muscles, if I didnt burn at least 350 calories a day doing weights...that I would not burn as many calories just "idling". And trust me, I am not going to give you the "workout lecture". You know the one...because telling someone they need to work out is like telling someone they need to dump their jackass of a boyfriend (or girlfriend). Until someone is ready and makes the choice to do it...they aren't going to do it.
Now...I KNOW you are saying "but she's got Heather". And you are right. But I worked out before Heather. I certainly work out much harder, and better with her now. She is for sure my motivation that gets me out of bed in the morning and makes me push myself though. So maybe it takes finding your motivation. I rent Heather out just in case you are wondering.
But...I digress.
My point, which I have not made very well, is that maintaining takes work, but it's not hell. It's so funny to me now. I remember when having a candy bar, or one cookie, or a diet soda would have made me feel so guilty. Now...not so much. I know it's OKAY. Of course, I wouldn't have lost 120 pounds that first year if I had operated in that mentality that it's okay. Because when you are in the losing phase, and if you are in a hurry to get to a goal (as most of us are), then you do have to really work your band and be diligent.
But in the end...it will be okay.
I ate two pieces of toast the other day with cinnamon sugar on them. Yum. And they went down with no problem. At my tightest, I wouldn't have been able to eat one. I ate some cereal with banana's for breakfast this morning. At my tightest, I couldn't eat cereal.
So, I could be tighter. But I don't want to be. And right now I don't need to be. And I hope this is the healthy progression of us with bands. I will always want and need my band, but perhaps we can learn to depend on it a little less once we are in maintenance?
SOooooo....with all that said. I have decided that would like to hover closer to the 160's than the 170's. Which mean I won't be eating oreos or cheetos for breakfast for awhile. I have added in a little cardio either before or after my circuit class. Monday and Tuesday I ran a quick mile, and today I ran two. I can keep a steady 10:45 pace, and today I ran the last half a mile at a 9:30 pace. I have also introduce *gasp* water back into my system. I am hoping it might also help with my complexion...since that's been a little lackluster as of late.
So there you go.
A real band related post.
Happy Wednesday loves!
Welcome To Planet Food: Which My World Revolves Around
Something really interesting occurred to me over Thanksgiving weekend.
There is a very big difference between Heather's family and mine (besides guns, voting the Republican ticket, and pick-up trucks).
Her families day does not revolve around food. It revolves around doing. They don't sit around and plan out the next meal (hell, the next meal still may be running around in the woods). At 6 a.m. in the morning they aren't thinking about lunch or dinner. Their day is shaped by what they will be doing.
In the land of us Workman's, the day is shaped around when and what we will eat. It has been this way for as long as I can remember.
Isn't that a crazy thing? I mean, not crazy in the sense that we think like that or other's don't...but that I have never realized it before?
It takes some getting used to. I think that is why I panic a little in my brain at times when we are just sitting around in Defuniak. In my head, the little voice is saying "No one is talking about food! What if they don't feed me? What if I never get to eat again!"
Totally rational yes?
There is a very big difference between Heather's family and mine (besides guns, voting the Republican ticket, and pick-up trucks).
Her families day does not revolve around food. It revolves around doing. They don't sit around and plan out the next meal (hell, the next meal still may be running around in the woods). At 6 a.m. in the morning they aren't thinking about lunch or dinner. Their day is shaped by what they will be doing.
In the land of us Workman's, the day is shaped around when and what we will eat. It has been this way for as long as I can remember.
Isn't that a crazy thing? I mean, not crazy in the sense that we think like that or other's don't...but that I have never realized it before?
It takes some getting used to. I think that is why I panic a little in my brain at times when we are just sitting around in Defuniak. In my head, the little voice is saying "No one is talking about food! What if they don't feed me? What if I never get to eat again!"
Totally rational yes?
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