I was surprised by all of the responses and "Get your mind right" comments on my last post about being the new Hamburgler. I appreciate all of them, and love you guys for caring...
But I guess I was surprised because I didnt really care that much about the couple pounds I was up, or the fact that I have not been eating well lately.
And then it happened...
Amy had to stop and say...wait...SHOULD you care? WHY don't you care? Maria sent me a FB message basically asking me what was going on...
And this is a list of possibilities:
1. It could be that I am not freaking out because I have a consistent pattern (is that a double positive?) of going off the grid once in awhile and getting back on.
2. It could be that I am just tired. Tired of thinking about making the right choices.
3. Perhaps, there is nothing to worry about at all. This is just life. Just a brief moment in my eating life that will come back around.
or 4. (here comes the deep thought). I have said before that for me, eating and binging, was very much like the "control" aspect of anorexia or bulimia. When I felt powerless in my life, I could "control" how much I ate. The difference being of course, I was controlling the amount by NOT eating or by puking after a binge, I was controlling the amount by choosing to put large amounts of crap food in my body. I could choose to hit every fast food restaurant. I could choose to eat oreos and ice cream for breakfast. If I felt out of control with my finances, my work, my relationships...
I could eat. I was the boss of eating a lot.
I know that for most people, they would say, "Well, if you were overeating, you were OUT of control." But I want you to really think about it.
So when Maria asked me if there was something going on in my life that might have spurred this change in food choices, it was an eye opener because I think she is right.
The month of October was been a tough month for me, although you really wouldn't have noticed it on my blog. I am good at talking about my highs and lows as they relate to this band journey, but seldom talk about real life stressors. Usually though, I don't have real life stressors that hang around for very long. Usually I can squash those feelings or thoughts within 24 hours. I have been having a time at squashing them.
And because of this...I don't sleep much anymore. I go to my teary place rather quickly. I am super touchy and a little needy.
I don't like it. I don't like being that Amy. It's not my norm. And I know that I can choose my attitude. At least I think I can.
So perhaps all of these things have led me back to eating whatever I want. But at the same time, I don't feel like I am standing on that proverbial cliff...and that I am about to freefall back to fatland. I don't. Because I know I won't. Things are getting better. This weekend fueled me with good gas (eloquently put yes?). I feel a little lost at times...but not all that wander are lost.
And while I almost NEVER blog about work, I will say that currently...things are a little disappointing in that area. And this quote I put on facebook the other day pretty much sums up where I am at professionally, "She packed up her potential, and all she had learned, grabbed a cute pair of shoes and headed out to change a few things."
So there you have it. The "non" story behind the meat. And nots to worry my little care takers...I tried to eat a hamburger on Saturday...and no ma'am. My band wasn't having it.