Sometimes I can't make sense of who I see in the mirror. At times, I stare at myself. I see my collarbones, I see angles to my face, I see definition in my muscles. I see a healthy and happy woman.
Other times, I see the exact same girl I was 155 pounds ago. I see saggy skin, batwings, lumps, stretch marks, and a disappointment.
Sometimes I am on a high. Sometimes looking in the mirror brings me to tears.
It's so hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there. Luckily, many of you have...or will be very soon...in the same place I am today.
Here is a perfect example. There is a girl at work who is losing weight on her own. She works out with us on some mornings. I thought maybe she might be able to wear some of my 14's...because she doesn't look much bigger to me (in my mind). So, I asked her. What size are you now? She is a size 20. And I thought we were close to the same size.
On the flip side, there is another girl at work who weighs 9 pounds less than me. And I was looking at her the other day thinking "I will never be that small"...and then I realized I must be close to being that size if we are the same height and less than 10 pounds different.
Our minds are crazy.
When I think about people seeing me in a swimsuit for the first time, I always think they must be judging the fat girl. And then I think...maybe they don't see me as the "fat girl". Because at 172, I am not really fat right? Certainly not thin, but not bad.
We have all discussed this before. We have all wondered when our minds would see the real us. I dont know. Maybe never? What I am hoping for is that more often, I will see the real me...instead of the me that is still 327 pounds in my head. And I think that is possible.
I think it is interesting that it's just as hard (or easy) to love myself now as it was then. I don't love it more, nor do I love it less. I have learned to respect my body. I have been given the opportunity to experience success and see what that really means...to really feel what it means to be healthy and be able to move free of physical pain or restraint. And that's when I think that band is the most rewarding. It gives us this gift...of freedom. Of hope. Of possibility. And then our will and heart take over. And the band takes a backseat. We become the driving force to Freedomland.
Sometimes people ask "Will you ever have it taken out". Hell I hope not. I am not naive enough to think that I am "cured". I want the band for as long as it will have me. It's the same reason I don't have credit cards anymore, even though I could if I wanted. I can't be trusted. I have weaknesses. And that's okay. I am okay with that.
In fact, I am more than okay.
I am content.
Happy Wednesday lovies.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Ooooh I like Freedomland! Great post!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Amy. Beautiful insight and while I haven't made it as far as you, I'm finally down almost 50 lbs from when I started my pre-op journey almost a year ago and I know I don't look the same anymore, but most days I still see that same person. I love you my dear, and happy Wednesday to you too.
ReplyDeleteI think it's interesting that you still used the term "losing it on her own."
ReplyDeleteAfter everything that we've all been through, there's still this prevailing train of thought that society has tacked on to losing weight with any help. Hell, WTF does losing it on "your own" mean?
You can't do anything about your weaknesses until you identify them--you've not only identified (at least some of) yours, you've taken steps to make sure you have the tools you need to not fall into their traps. That's awesome!
ReplyDeleteP.S. You might want to check on your blog theme--I have an PhotoBucket error appearing on my screen saying that the images have been moved or deleted :)
ReplyDeleteI think it takes ages to really see ourselves. I just posted my before and during pictures and truly I never "saw" the before me. I always thought I looked like the me right now. But pictures don't lie and I have a tough time seeing that I am still a work in progress. Maybe that is how an anorexic thinks. They really can't see a real body. Glad you are seeing yourself for your true self. You look amazing.
ReplyDeleteJeez, if I don't go through the same thing. I've been known to ask MOTH when I see someone I think is around the same size as me, "Am I bigger or smaller than her?" because my perception is off. I keep getting told I'm on the thinnish side now, but I don't believe it. Our minds sure have some catching up to do. It's freaky.
ReplyDeleteHappy Wednesday to you too. Though its Thursday here now lol. xxxx big kisses sunshine
This is a really great post, I am having the same "issue" I had some guys trying to talk to me the other day and I walked right past them (I would have anyway) but it didn't even occur to me that they were hitting on me. I still feel like the fattest girl in the room and the most unattractive. I am not sure when that will go away, I have read studies that say about a year after you hit goal weight you start to "see" yourself. I certainly hope that is the case but I'm just not sure.
ReplyDeleteamen sista! I think you've very eloquently voiced thoughts that I'm sure most (if not all) of us have no matter what stage we're at. funny too how i'm feeling pretty great at 235 now that i'm on the way down, but 235 when i was gaining was pretty horrific.....
ReplyDeleteWow, this post speaks to me on so many levels. I hope to get where you are. In the past when I have lost the weight, only to gain it back later, I didn't see my true size either. As a matter of fact, at my largest I saw myself as smaller, and at my smallest I saw myself as bigger.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the awesome post! You are truly amazing! I love reading your posts and just can't get enough. Thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat an insightful post, Amy. You always bring it!
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful, you should always see that in the mirror!
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to meet you in Chicago! Would it be weird if I asked for your autograph? LOL
Just wanted to let you know you're last post triggered me:
ReplyDeletehttp://rescuinglisa.blogspot.com/2010/07/taking-some-good-advice.html
Thanks!
Ahh.. so it's not just me that really can't judge how big or small other people are compared to me.
ReplyDeleteLove your post, it has really got me thinking:)
Great post, as usual! I am right there with you. I don't know if I will ever be able to see myself as i really am. When I was super fat, I never thought I was "that big" until I saw myself in photos.
ReplyDeletei think that is human, even skinny people have self image issues....right? :-)
ReplyDeleteAwwww, I just ♥ you Amy!! Self image can be a beeeeep!! It is something that comes and goes and never is the same on any meter at any given time. I hope to be able to call on you ladies who have been through this when I get to that point (still seeing the fat girl).
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, Amy...I know your struggle is inspirational to me, and I can't wait to meet the girl I'll be at your size! It's refreshing to know that our image issues will still be there when we're smaller (as weird as that sounds)...it's our true heart we have to work on, and the LapBand isn't affixed to that!
ReplyDeleteI love the peacock feathers!
ReplyDeleteOh, Amy. I so hope you see me as a few sizes smaller than I am when we meet in Chicago. Not sure when you changed your background, but it's very cool.
ReplyDeleteI have never commented before but I must confess that I read your blog all the time... I will make an effort to be a better blog follower. I promise!
ReplyDeleteI have the same struggle with myself all of the time - sometimes I feel just as big as I was at my highest weight 90 pounds ago and sometimes I fee like a supermodel. Its comforting to know that there are other people feeling the same way and not understanding why.
Thanks, Amy. Your posts are always great and this one comes at a particularly poignant time. I literally just finished weeping and blogging about self-worth when I took a trip to the land of cheese and sunkist to see what was going on.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I need this today.
Nicole
http://bigfatbandjourney.blogspot.com/
Always great to hear what you have to say. You are such an inspiration to me. I am constantly looking in the mirror, hoping to see subtle changes, as I am only six days past my surgery date. Thanks for your insight into this issue, as I'm sure it will occupy a lot of my time in the next several months!
ReplyDeleteI notice that my clothes are much bigger and falling off me but when I see myself in the mirror I still look the same. Other people see me as "the new me" but the old me came along for the ride. I loved the old me but I need to start seeing the new me that they see... *Maria*
ReplyDeleteI think that looking for some "new me" makes me expect to become someone else. I am different. Yet, I am the same. Just more disciplined. More in tune with my self. Yet, like you said not. I have a hard time reconciling the old me with the new. I fear going back.
ReplyDeleteI'm committed though. To keep going forever.