Sometimes I can't make sense of who I see in the mirror. At times, I stare at myself. I see my collarbones, I see angles to my face, I see definition in my muscles. I see a healthy and happy woman.
Other times, I see the exact same girl I was 155 pounds ago. I see saggy skin, batwings, lumps, stretch marks, and a disappointment.
Sometimes I am on a high. Sometimes looking in the mirror brings me to tears.
It's so hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there. Luckily, many of you have...or will be very soon...in the same place I am today.
Here is a perfect example. There is a girl at work who is losing weight on her own. She works out with us on some mornings. I thought maybe she might be able to wear some of my 14's...because she doesn't look much bigger to me (in my mind). So, I asked her. What size are you now? She is a size 20. And I thought we were close to the same size.
On the flip side, there is another girl at work who weighs 9 pounds less than me. And I was looking at her the other day thinking "I will never be that small"...and then I realized I must be close to being that size if we are the same height and less than 10 pounds different.
Our minds are crazy.
When I think about people seeing me in a swimsuit for the first time, I always think they must be judging the fat girl. And then I think...maybe they don't see me as the "fat girl". Because at 172, I am not really fat right? Certainly not thin, but not bad.
We have all discussed this before. We have all wondered when our minds would see the real us. I dont know. Maybe never? What I am hoping for is that more often, I will see the real me...instead of the me that is still 327 pounds in my head. And I think that is possible.
I think it is interesting that it's just as hard (or easy) to love myself now as it was then. I don't love it more, nor do I love it less. I have learned to respect my body. I have been given the opportunity to experience success and see what that really means...to really feel what it means to be healthy and be able to move free of physical pain or restraint. And that's when I think that band is the most rewarding. It gives us this gift...of freedom. Of hope. Of possibility. And then our will and heart take over. And the band takes a backseat. We become the driving force to Freedomland.
Sometimes people ask "Will you ever have it taken out". Hell I hope not. I am not naive enough to think that I am "cured". I want the band for as long as it will have me. It's the same reason I don't have credit cards anymore, even though I could if I wanted. I can't be trusted. I have weaknesses. And that's okay. I am okay with that.
In fact, I am more than okay.
I am content.
Happy Wednesday lovies.