*When I started typing this, I really had no idea where it was going. When I finished typing it, I still had no idea. I think that I have been doing some deep sea thinking today, and just wanted to share with you a little bit of the craziness that is my mind sometimes. There is never a dull moment in Amy's brain. WORD*
When I became SCUBA certified years ago, I remember a lesson on becoming disoriented underwater. I have held onto this bit of information for years now, and think of it often when I am mermaiding around underwater...or lately...I have been thinking how it can apply to life in general.
My instructor told us that if we get turned around underwater, if we don't know which way is up, to just watch our bubbles. Bubbles you see, always rise to the top. So if you don't know how to find the surface, your bubbles will.
Wouldn't it be great if life had more bubbles? So when you were lost, confused, or disoriented, you could watch and follow?
I don't pretend to know anymore about life than you do. I am however, contrary to popular belief, a pretty introspective person. I spend a lot of time in my own head, dealing with my own thoughts. And boy howdy...that can be a scary place to dwell for too long. True to my Myers-Briggs personality type, if left alone for very long, I can go pretty deep inside my head to what we call "the dark place". The dark place is not synonymous with depression, it's a place where I do some pretty serious thinking about some pretty serious stuff. I like to think things through, to follow the rabbit trail of my thoughts.
I remember once Jenny and Drazil told me that I am smarter than you would think. They meant this in the best possible way...although at first I did say "So does that mean that you would think I was dumb"...and they can correct me if I am wrong, but what I think they meant is that I tend to come off as pretty care free and happy....laughing and joking. And that is who I am. For the most part. And for my historical readers (those who have read my blog from the beginning), you know that I have always felt the pressing need to be "that girl". Always optimistic. Always smiling. Always making others laugh.
But it takes a lot of work. And what happens is, that if I devote so much of my time and energy to being "on" all the time, the deep and brooding Amy gets angry. The chaos in my head starts to spill into my heart just a smidge...
and sometimes I worry that I am losing my mind.
NOT REALLY in the sense that I need to be locked up or seek help, but I am not at my best. I have to fight tears and emotional outbursts.
And eventually I lose that battle.
I have always had an internal debate with myself. Do I devote time and energy to dealing with the negative thoughts and trying to process through them...or do I put time and energy into shoving them down? Because I do believe that worrying about something too much is worthless. Life will surprise you. It's sort of a guessing game.
I have also started to realize, and I don't know why it took me nearly 31 years to put start putting it together, that I connect with considerable ease to people's emotions and emotional well being. I have known for a very long time that other people's happiness is more important to me than my own. I want harmony. I want to please people. I want people to love me. And I want them to feel loved. Many of us are like this.
But I think it goes beyond that. I think I am very sensitive to how a person feels. This is probably going to sound like I am smoking the good stuff or drinking the hard hooch, but I have come to believe that I have become so open to others that I take their energy and it can very easily become my own.
I make a very concerted effort to surround myself with people in my life that bring me joy, happiness, humor, or fulfillment. I don't have toxic friends or family members. I have let them go. I am...for the most part...aligned with people that make me smile.
But sometimes certain situations force themselves on me. And sometimes, I am connected with those who do not bring me happiness.
I had to spend some time the other day with a person who is not happy. I can sense it (although it's not really very hidden). I want to give her what she needs. A friend...someone to show her that life can be fantastic...that your attitude is yours to choose. I didn't really have a bad time with her, but it was a draining time. SO much of my energy was focused on her, and at the same time, so much of her negative energy was absorbing into me.
By the time I was free and back with Heather, my soul was very sad. I cried. Things were suddenly hard. Little things that had been bothering were for a moment...huge. I felt silly. But I also felt like I had stumbled upon something...something about me that I didnt really know how to put into words.
So today, I was having a moment. I couldn't clear my head. I felt overwhelmed. So I decided to take a drive. I thought about driving to the beach...but it was too far for the amount of time I had. So, I drove downtown to a cemetery. I couldnt think of anywhere to go that would be peaceful. That I could be alone with my thoughts. This cemetery is really old, and actually a historical site here in Pensacola. I have never been in it, only driven by it. I wasn't even sure how to get in. I figured it out though, took my heels off, and walked barefoot around the graves. Some of the headstones dated back to the very early 1800's. Some were very old. Some were forgotten. Some were beautiful.
There was not one other soul there (at least not living).
I found a bench, sat down, and began to write. I wrote all my thoughts. I wasn't writing to anyone. And I will end up shredding what I did write. But it felt good to get it out. It felt good to make sense of things the best way I could.
I tried to follow my bubbles.
Being surrounded by stone markers that sum up a person's life, puts things into perspective for you. We all end up there...one way or the other. We will all become ashes, dust, or dirt. What you believe happens after that varies from person to person. I tend to believe that this is our life. This is it. Make it the best you can. Choose your path.
Do what makes you happy.
That's hard sometimes though. We get lost in life and sometimes life sucks. But I think when we find ourselves lost, our bubbles are right there in front of us. I try to not get lost in the details of things I can't change, and focus on the things that are wonderful.
My wonderful bubbles.
I think of the things that make me a very lucky girl. I am smiling right now thinking about them.
Life is a series of choices. And we are all just trying to make the best choice. And sometimes...well...it turns out...NOT SO MUCH. But then we try again. We choose better. We choose different.
We do get to choose.
We can choose to follow the bubbles to the surface.