Philospher Amy: You May Kiss My Ring Now

Things I Know For Sure:

1. Nothing is for sure.

2. I will never be the girl with perfect makeup, perfect hair, perfect nails, or soft feet. Instead I will be the girl running barefoot through the yard, strong hands, messy hair, and maybe a little mascara for a special occasion. And that's good enough for me.

3. There is no need to fear failure. If you try and don't succeed, at least you tried...and that's more than most people can say.

4. I don't believe in regret. Every decision, every love lost, every horrible mistake or embarrassing moment, has led me to this exact point in my life. And this is where I am supposed to be.

5. You have to have something to believe it. It can be your God, your kids, your love. I believe in the power of dreams. I believe in the power of the human heart. I believe in laughter. And I believe in passion.

6. Everybody poops.

7. Even ladies fart.

8. Life is unpredictable. You never know...really...what is in store for you. Keep this in mind even on your darkest days. Tomorrow may be the best day of your life.

9. With that said, I know that you can't just wait for life to happen. I know that I am in control of my destiny.

10. Wearing sexy underwear under workout clothes makes me giggle. I just wish they made lacy thongs with more dangly bit support.

11. I believe that you should smile at everyone you can. For some, it may be the only smile they see all day. Be the person that shares joy.

12. You can give too much of yourself. But I do it anyways.

13. If you love someone, tell them. If you think someone is beautiful, tell them. I find myself telling complete strangers that I like their dress, or their hair, or their face.

14. What you give, comes back to you. What you take...that comes back as well. Make sure you give more than you take.

15. What makes us beautiful is not the size of our waist, the number on the scale, or the color of our eyes. What makes us beautiful is our soul. There is no band or quick fix for the soul. What makes us beautiful is the way we treat others, the kindness inside, the way we carry ourselves.

16. When you find real love, you will know it.

17. When you have a real orgasm, you will also know it. If you find yourself saying, "Well, I THINK I had an orgasm"...trust me. You didn't.

18. Time waits for no one.

19. Most people don't really want honesty . They want "their version" of honesty. They want to hear what they want. This makes it tough to tell the truth sometimes.

20. Tuesday always follows Monday.

Happy Tuesday loves!

Goal Posts

Today I stepped on the scale to find a little diddy called 172. That's right. I weigh 172 L.B.'s (say it the cool way with me...like this....ellll bees).

That puts me 155 pounds down. 2 pounds from goal.

Makes you want to kiss me a little doesn't it?

I was alerted today by Loydie, by fabulous coworker, that I have not posted in a week. I said...NOOOOO?! Really? Because I didnt realize it had been that long.

Here's a synopsis if you will of the last seven days:

1. I got to see Dr. Friedman for a fill! Have I mentioned I love that man? Sigh. He feeds my Rockstar Voice and I often leave the office with an inflated ego that lasts me for a good 24 hours. I wasn't sure if I was going to get a fill or not, because honestly, I liked where my restriction was. I could eat most foods, just in little portions. However, I did notice with these last 10 pounds or so, my restriction wasn't holding me very long. For example, I could eat about 2-3 ounces of chicken breast and be super full...but in 30 minutes it would move through and I would want to eat again. So in for a fill I went. It had been almost 6 months since my last one.

2. Oh I have restriction now Fo SHO! It kinda annoys me just a little because I didnt realize how comfortable I had gotten with what I could eat. I have to relearn some of our basic bandster rules again...you know...like chewing. And not shoveling food or popping it in my mouth without thinking.

3. Heather has now experienced several PB's. She always gives me a hug afterwards. It's actually a lot rougher on her than me. She no likey the sound of the dreaded PB.

4. I have officially moved. Address change and all. My "homebase" has been Tracey's. On Saturday we moved all my stuff. I now live with Heather and her exgirlfriend.

5. Something potentially horrible has happened. I believe I have been horn-swaggled into playing on a co-ed rec softball league. Have I shared with you that I believe in Adult TeeBall? I have no idea why there aren't any leagues. I can't hit a ball! I think it's because it takes me back to my childhood when my dad was always the coach and would say "JUST KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL AMY"! It's not the simple okay? I DO keep my eye on the ball, I swing like a powerhouse, and then I promptly miss that sucker all together. Let's hope, for my sake and the teams, that I am just backup. I would like my nickname to be SwitchHitter though. Get it?

6. We went out Saturday night with some friends to the new Jimmy Buffett hotel and bar. It's on the beach of course and we had a great time. I am going to save the deep thoughts for my next post, but getting hit on is a trip! Heather and I had walked to the bathroom and as soon as she went in, a guy turned around and told me I was beautiful. I said "I beg your pardon". He said "I just want to tell you that you are beautiful and look like an Indian Princess." Yes. Clearly he was drunk. And then he tried to hug me and kiss me on the cheek. People are crazy. I wanted to say "sir...I appreciate your kind words....but my girlfriend will punch you in the throat".

7. I got's a little drunkie poo on Friday night. I was doing some housework and ran to the grocery store and picked up a bottle of Sangria. I dont know if this counts as wine or not, but I have never bought wine in my life. But I went home, muddled some fruit, poured a glass in the most spectacular wine glass I could find, and walked around like the lady I am...drunk in about 10 minutes. I must learn to sip!

I hope Monday finds everyone happy and healthier than Tuesday.

Monday Called...And I Hung Up

So. Tired. Must. Nap

Woowee kiddos. What a weekend of fun and excitement. First, Friday night we went star gazing on Pensacola Beach. The local college, or someone with big telescopes brings them out to the beach for the public to view. Once the clouds cleared, we did manage to see the moon...and Saturn.

Saturday I went to the Zumbathon with Miss Vickie. I also stole these pictures from her blog.
Here we are pre-2 hour Zumba event. And here we are after.
We are moist and beautiful yes?

After Zumba I headed to the beach, where I thought I would try my hand at windsurfing. I should have known better. If I can't paddle it, or if it doesnt have a motor...historically...that spells disaster. One should never have to rely on the wind. Or their own brain. Both are totally overrated.

Here is what windsurfing looks like done properly. I do not know this fellow...I found him on Google.

Here's what happened. Inside of my head lives a Rockstar Voice. Sometimes this Rockstar Voice tells me I am a legend. A star. And that I should just do it....whatever it is. So my Rockstar Voice said:

"Ride the windsurfer Amy. BEEEEE the Windsurfer."

Heather on the other hand said "Don't get hurt jackass. I won't be able to save you". Aw...young love.

So I got on that sucker, pulled the sail up and started to actually move. I was squatting down, flexing my muscles, hair blowing in the breeze. I sailed down the coast. And then I realized...it was time to turn around. At this point Rockstar Voice said:

"Yeah. You're screwed".

The wind was gone. I dropped the sail. I fell in the water. Not to be deterred, I hoped back up on the board and heaved that humongous sucker of a sail out of the water. I repeated this sad dance of shame for about 15 minutes. Finally, as I saw myself blowing out to sea...I had to decide to sink or swim. Literally. So I gave up and started swimming that heavy bastard...sail dragging in the water...back to shore. At one point, with impending doom lurking in my heart and soul...I almost gave myself back to the sea. As a mermaid, it would have been poetic. But I finally made it to shore...and trudged the long shameful walk back to my audience and girlfriend. My poor body bruised...fitting because so was my ego.

I managed to rally though! At least I tried! Damn you, your Rockstar Voice in my head!

Today I wore a little dress I have been hanging onto for at least 6 months. Mommy likes.

And I just wanted to give you a close up of my right leg. Do you see in that picture above how it looks there is a large shadow? Yeah. That's a bruise. I am sporting a dress with hillbilly tomboy legs.

I am even bruised on my other leg as well! Would you like to hear that story? Real quick like?

WELL, last weekend boating with Heather, while most of her family was off in the bass boat, her and her cousin Clint and I were hanging out on shore. Down the way was a beach house with a pier that just happened to have a hammock on it. Surely, I reckoned to myself, the owners of mister beach house wouldn't mind if I swung in their hammock. SO, guess what happened?

Rockstar Voice piped up and said "Amy...you should TOTALLY walk down that rocky and wet shoreline to get to the pier. You can do it and you will look like a total badass."

So off I went. Perilous were those rocks. They were slippery, but I am a graceful dancer and thought I could navigate them. Well, about halfway to the pier, I stepped on a mossy stone, slipped, managed to ram one foot in a pile of rocks and then face planted (and shin planted) into the other rocks. I pulled my foot out of the hole...blood...lots of blood. Thought I lost a toe. My shin took the brunt of the fall though.

At this point I could have turned around. BUT NO...If I was going to lose two perfectly healthy toes and crack a femur...I was making it to that damn hammock.

So I kept going.

And I made it.

And then I realized the people were actually home.

So I panicked. Crouched like a little barnacle on the end of the pier...and waited in humiliation for the bass boat to come pick me up.

So that's where I originally got the bruise. THEN, after the windsurfing debacle this weekend, everytime I would get back up on the board, I would land on my bruise.

It's hard being me ya know?

But someone has to do it!

Merry Monday lovies!

The Thursday Shake Down

Hello to the most beautiful people in the entire world! I hope your Thursday finds you healthier and hotter than yesterday.

I should start with the bad news. I didn't go to Zumba yesterday. Mary may "unfriend me" in real life, not to mention Facebook. I HAD planned on going...I promise...but then I was needed else where so I bailed.

No 2-a-days for me.

Bad Amy.

I wanted to talk about my band for a little while....

WHAT?!?!? Yes...I actually have a band. I know that it would be hard to gather that from recent posts, but I forget that there are those of you out there still in the beginning of this process who might like to know what it's like post band, 18 months later.

• My last fill was 7 months ago. I probably have close to 6ccs in a 11 cc band.
• I have lost 149 pounds.
• I am tighter in the morning still, and looser in the evening (huh...that sounded naughty...and true).
• With my current level of restriction, I can eat pasta again and sometimes a roll if I attempt at night. I was actually able to eat one pancake for dinner last week. When I am at super restriction, pancakes would be a no-go.
• I am rarely physically hungry. The only time I really feel real hunger is in the morning.
• I drink the occasional adult beverage.
• I drink diet Sunkist.
• I don't drink as much water as I used to, or as I should.
• I don't take my vitamins regularly, but have taken them the last three days! I need a gold star!
• I work out 3-5 times a week now. More weights than cardio. It took me probably over a year after surgery to really feel like I wanted to, or needed to work out. It has made a world of difference. Start with something. Set a goal. If I can do it, I promise so can you.
• I am in a size 12. I started at a size 26/28.
• My loose skin is present, but no where near as bad as I would have thought. Don't let loose skin scare you from this surgery. I would rather be "skinny" (meaning loose skin), than unhealthy.
• My goal weight is 170. I decided that myself and still think I will be happy with that.
• My average day of eating varies. I try to keep my calories around 1300, but I dont track them officially. I still eat "fun" stuff, but when I cook or go out, I try to make healthy choices.

One of the things that I have noticed changing is my obsession with my number. My weight. OH, I still weigh a couple times a week...I still want to see 170....but I can honestly say that unless I am having a "fat moment", I am happy with my body, my fitness level, and who I am right now. Instead of fretting and worrying about hurrying up the scale, I now know that I am making the right choices food wise and exercise wise...so I am confident my body will get to where it wants to go. It's a subtle shift at first, but I think it's one of the first indicators that I really am getting to where I need to be. Gone is my fear that I will fail....that this won't work for me. Gone is the feeling that this is another "diet". This is my life now. And that is a good feeling.

What else? What other newbie questions am I missing?

• I feel my port more every week. When I am lifting weights above my head, I can actually see Tina poking out of my shirt. She is such a show off.
• My port never hurts me.
• I never, ever, regret having surgery.
• I still think I am the fat girl. I forget that I am average now. I wonder if that will ever change.
• I havent seen my doctor in forever and I miss him. Having a good relationship with your doc and their staff is so important.

If there are any other questions, feel free to remind me.

Until next time, Eskimo kisses to you my friends.

-Amy

Survival of the unFittest

I have lived to see another sunrise.

Joyous.

Can I just say that before I do a running recap, you guys are hilarious! Some of your comments on my posts yesterday actually made me laugh out loud. And I love that. So pat yourselves on the back funny people...mama is giving you kudos.

Okay. So...

I was super cranky yesterday afternoon...probably due to my fear of impending death and also my impending period. We arrived at McGuires a little after 5:00 pm. I could feel the actual sun flares lapping my skin. I was going to walk/jog with my coworker Loyd and we would leave a little ahead of the runners so we would finish close to the same time. He asked me if I was ready. I don't remember my exact words or sentence, but I do remember saying f*&^ at least 9 times.

So off Loyd and I go. Loyd is a speed walker. I am a short stubby leg walker. However, I tried to keep up. Then we started jogging. I proceeded to walk and jog. I jogged further than I thought I could. I played a little game in my head called "Pretend Heather is standing at the end, watching you run". It's a fun game. You should play too! Of course you can substitute Heather for your husband, wife, hollywood dream mate, life partner, or me... But it does help me. Because I know...and you know...that we push ourselves more when we are trying to be impressive.

At one point after jogging several blocks, my body felt like a furnace. I am pretty sure I could have boiled eggs on it.

But the end came. And I survived. And yes...I will probably go back next week.

Today I doing circuit training over lunch and Zumba after work. I believe in the land of crazy this is called "Two a Days".

You know how many I am doing tomorrow? NONE.

Wait. I lied. I am doing circuit in the morning.

Okay...did you know THIS. You shouldn't make a habit of doing total body weight lifting back to back. Meaning, if I do total body (working my arms, legs, back, abs, etc)...I shouldnt do that the very next day. So today I am doing just upper body and abs. Tomorrow I will do just lower body and abs.

Barf.

I prefer doing total body. Its hard and a little monotonous doing 55 minutes of JUST arms...or JUST legs.

Sigh.

Okay, I am going to change and take a quick swig of the hooch before working out. I thought it would be funny yesterday if while I was running, my sweat would come out orange. I would be sweating diet sunkist!

Good times!

If I die before I wake...

This could be it my little love muffins.

Mama could be called home this evening.

I am being forced...FORCED I tell you...to do a running club tonight. I had never heard of running clubs before I moved to Pensacola. Possibly because they didnt exist in Kansas, or possibly because I was to busy eating my way through the world of fast food...regardless...they are a hot ticket down here. You go to a bar or restaurant and they have the running club thingie. Tonight it's a McGuires Irish Pub. There is a 5k route and you can either walk or jog it. My coworkers have been going for years. I have been avoiding it for years...like the plague.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend has started going and thinks it will be "fun".

She is delusional. Hot...but delusional.

Currently in Pensacola, the temperature is...oh I dont know...one hundred thousand degrees. Basically, its like taking a magic school bus ride to the center of the sun.

And yet...I am going.

Peer pressure sucks.

Why couldnt they want to try drugs instead?

UGH! Healthy people.

So I wanted to write this one last blog, in case I perish in the streets of this God forsaken town this evening. If I do survive to see tomorrow...I will let you know.

Until then...go in peace. Chew with your mouth shut. Always look at the toilet seat when you leave the potty to make sure you arent leaving any stray tinkle or hair behind. Be kind to animals. Laugh at bad outfits. Make out in inappropriate places with people you love. Wear your seatbelt. Eat some chocolate. Be happy.

My Third Nipple

Good morning from bright and sunny Florida! Land of pelicans, sandy white beaches, and oil spills. The oil comes and goes (I will never understand how), and I actually went in the Gulf for a quick dip this weekend. It looked clean....so I decided to ignore the signs that said "WARNING!!! IF YOU GET IN THE WATER YOU WILL BECOME A TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE".

So, I may have a third nipple growing in my armpit or something, but HEY! I live on the edge.

Saturday I went home with Heather to boat and play hillbilly. I love Heather's family to death and always have an amazing time when we go visit. She is from the country and it reminds me of home. We were going to help her cousin build a barn, but we went out on the water instead.

Things I have learned while visiting Defuniak Springs:

How to chew tobacco. Yes...I actually put it in my mouth. I will never do it again. It was peer pressure. It was apple flavored and literally just a little baby pinch.

How to throw a casting net to catch mullet. Do you know what mullet is? A fish of some sort. I don't EAT fish of ANY sort (are you thinking of a lesbian joke? You are aren't you?), but it was still fun to try and lasso one.

How to shoot a gun. You saw that already.

I have had boiled peanuts and pickled eggs. Boiled peanuts are SOOO good...pickled eggs are kinda yucky.

How to hang on for dear life when mudding on a four wheeler.

How letting a 5 year old drive the four wheeler is never a good idea.

So there you have it. Life lessons one can learn at 30.

hugs and kisses my little love bunnies! Hugs and kisses.

What?! Blogger has been broken for over a week?!

Can you believe it? I have been trying to blog now for over a week and Blogger has been broken. Wow..yeah....

What? You can't believe it?

FINE! I am lying!!!! I can't ever pull anything over on you guys.

I haven't been hiding, overeating, or forgetting about the loyal legion of blog readers in our wonderful world of unicorns and CareBear gumdrop turds. I went on a little vacation to the boat...ALONE...to meet my best friend of over a decade...Lisa. Lisa lives in Seattle, we met at a summer camp in upstate New York where somebody put us in charge of children and canoes. I haven't seen her in over 4 years, and you know your friendship is awesome when after 4 years, it doesn't seem like you have been apart for more than 4 seconds.

I was actually getting in bed when I got a facebook message from Kerri linking me to this post on her blog. So how could I NOT turn on the old lappie top and make an entry. In all fairness, I typed an entry last week. But I typed it at 3 in the morning or something so it wasnt very witty and I saved it to drafts and never published the little sucker. I might give it a once over and publish it anyways.

So, here is what happened whilst I was vacaying in Alabama. I will number the events for your reading pleasure:

1. Lisa and I went for a walk. Turns out the Pumas I love so dearly and wear to circuit and Zumba are not made for walking. After about a mile, I knew the blisters on my heels were quickly inflating to grapefruit size, and I was left with no other choice but to...

JOG!

Now, I thinking that jogging and/or running is just athletic snobbery. I mean, for those walkers amongst us who have completed 5ks at a very impressive walking speed, do you ever tell people that you "walked" the race and they are like..."OOOOOH...yeah....okay." While they look down their noses at us walkers? I also like to say that jogging is bad for your joints, ups your risk of dying while exercising, and other such excuses. Secretly though...I want to be a jogger. DO NOT tell anyone damn it. My reputation will be ruined. So, Lisa and I jogged a good portion of the remaining mile back to the boat.

2. We took apeshit loads of pictures. If you have friended me on Facebook, you have surely viewed some of them.

3. We canoed and went golf ball hunting. The marina is right by a golf course, and during the cold season when the lake weeds (millfoil) isnt overgrown, we once found 100 golf balls in the water. Our latest endeavour netted us only 10. Please remember when exiting a canoe, always point the toe.

4. We went to Zumba. OH GOOOOOD LORD it was horrible. I have long worried that Priscillia, my current Zumba instructor, has ruined me. You see...she is Zumba. She is a little Latin jumping bean....and our Zumba is high HIGH impact. You are jumping and your heart is racing the entire time. The Zumba Lisa and I went to brought shame upon the house of Zumba. And did you know what we had to do? We freaking left before the class was over. Just walked right out.

5. We skied and kneeboarded everyday. Lisa learned to kneeboard like a champ, and ate the water with her face several times. Please for the love of Pete, check out the video of her swan diving the wake on my Facebook. I pee'd a little when it actually happened. Right in my swimsuit. A giggle tinkle if you will. I skied at least twice an outing. And I loved it. My parents and Lisa are trying to get me to do a toehold. You take your back foot out of the ski and stick it in front of you and put the handle on it. Yeah. I will get a picture of that when it actually happens!

6. I ate loads of poppycock. And by poppycock, I mean CRAP! Oreos for breakfast, ice cream with dark chocolate peanut butter cups for breakfast the next day...etc. And guess what? I came home to face the Scale of Terror...and I didnt gain one pound! God Bless America. So I am still weighing in at 178.

7. And because in Scottsboro there is nowhere to shop, we went to Kmart almost everyday. Walmart provided us with adult cartoon shirts. Pictured below.

And these cute little undies came from the Big K!

Makes ya just want to wink at your neighbor doesnt it?

And so that's it! I am back in Pensacola now and just so SUPER excited to go back to work tomorrow. NOT!

But I am a little excited to get back to working out like normal. I fear my muscles have turn to ash. Or oreo dust.

Kisses my lovies!

The Fitness Class That Wasn't

Have mercy.



I have procured 4 free classes to a local "fitness studio". This is not a gym. It is women's only studio. They have classes that range from Zumba to a dance class that you can bring your high heels and walk the runway at the end of class. Needless to say...that kind of excited me.



So, I googled directions to the new "private studio". I ended up in a neighborhood, parked outside someones house. That's right. The "private studio" was someones two car garage. I started to panic. I was already nervous that I was taking a class called Hot Body Kickboxing. I thought it might be too hard. What if I died? But then I got nervous that my death would not be due to high impact cardio, but because I was being lured into someones house only to be slain.



But I pulled up my big girl panties and went in. I immediately knew I was in trouble.



First, my instructor looked like Barbie. I soon found out she was literally (I am not exaggerating here), getting ready to compete in Miss Florida USA or something. Second, she asked me what size weights I wanted. I asked her "How heavy do you got"? She said we have 3, 5, and 8 pound weights. Um....yeah. I curl 25 pound weights...so I just said "I will take the 8 pounders please".



Now she did earn some points when she asked me..."Are you a personal trainer because you look really muscular". I told her "No, but I date one :)"



Okay, so into the two car garage I go. It has a fake hardwood floor and really looks rather cute. However, that's where the good ends.



There were two other participants in the class. One very bossy girl and then the boring one. Workout Barbie made some small talk with me, talked about how her blonde hair extension pig tails made her sweat, and we began. It was like when you were 13 and you and your girlfriends make up a dance routine and pretend you are actually skilled. It was terrible from the get go. However, being the eternal optimist that I am...I was hoping we were just "warming up".



I don't know how this chick got this job. I quickly learned she was one of those people who looked fit but really wasnt. She exhausted herself doing 3 pound tricep extensions! She was playing music from her ipod, but after every song she went and picked a new one! There was no cardio! I didnt even sweat! It was HORRIBLE! Seriously...she would walk her ipod after a 3 minute routine and chat with the other two ladies...

and just chat....

and chat....

And then finally pick a song and do something in front of the mirror that I think was supposed to be kickboxing.

I have become a workout snob.

There...I said it.

The class ended after about 45 minutes. I think it did anyways. She was playing with her ipod and talking again...and there was gathering of the little weights and mats...so I took that as my cue to GET OUT!

Oh well. At least it was free.

And the joy that fills my heart is from the fact that I have 3 free classes left.

Don't hate.