*Sometimes I write a post that is rather incoherent and doesn't make sense like it makes sense in my head. This is one of those posts. I wrote it Saturday night...late...and then saved it trying to figure out whether or not to post it or not. But today, I said what the heck! See if you can muddle through my musings.
I just watched a documentary called America The Beautiful. It takes a look at America's obsession with beauty (although really it is just about the world's obsession with beauty). It caused thoughts to start percolating in my little ol' head...
The film maker opens with a question. Who benefits from this unreal expectation of what a woman should look like? Who benefits from making us feel ugly? This is an interesting question, and while we have discussed this before I am sure...I had never heard it asked quite like that. When you stop to think about it, a lot of people benefit from us thinking we need to fix ourselves. The makers of shampoo, lotion, clothes, perfume, Spanx, diet fads...
And then the scary thought hit me. Am I a hypocrite?
I know that ultimately we chose to have WLS for HEALTH reasons...right? But how many times do I blog about how I am feeling healthier? Usually our favorite updates are weight or size related. And I don't think I will stop posting about those things...because come on...they make me happy...but I think I will start making an effort to highlight some of the health non scale victories. Sarah had a great example of one the other day.
The film focused a great deal on models and touched briefly on anorexia and bulimia. So, story time children. Come gather on the carpet around Mama Amy while I share. I don't know if all of us have experienced dabbling in bulimia or anorexia, but I think that for my generation at least...a great deal of us have tried starving ourselves or throwing up to lose weight. But because I don't know if that statement is statistically based, I can only share my story. I do not want anyone to think that I am making light of what is a serious medical disorder. Or that I am endorsing anorexia or bulimia in anyway. And I hesitate to write this for fear of misinterpretation....but there has always been a part of me that envied those girls that could resist eating or embrace puking.
Does that make sense?
When I was younger, I really believed that it would be better to die trying to be skinny then live being fat. And once, for like a week...I tried to throw up everything I ate. I would binge and eat everything I could and then go stick my finger down my throat to make it all come up. Turns out...I didn't like it. One of the most vivid memories of this time was gorging myself on wedding cake and then puking it up right after. Huge chunks of cake. I was 19 at the time and it was one of my desperate attempts to be thin. I used to search ProAna or ProMia sights. If you have never heard of them, ProMia is code for pro bulimia and ProAna is code for pro anorexia. On these sites you can find the most disturbing stories, pictures, and profiles of girls and women dying to reach a make-believe goal. You can find pictures usually filed under the category of "Thinspiration". They are of uber thin models. Most of them have been photo shopped to make the models even skinnier.
I feel at times I am a walking contradiction. For example, while I think it is horrible to look at photoshopped pictures of models made to look like Holocaust survivors for means of inspiring women who have a serious eating disorder...I love watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion show (which you can watch in it's entirety by clicking on the link). Seriously. I love it. And my most favorite part of a pageant? The swimsuit section. I love to look at these beautiful bodies and wish that I could look like that too. Oddly enough, it is not depressing to me to watch these things. It motivates me. And plus...they are hot and have ridiculously long legs.
In some weird and twisted way, possibly my positive self-esteem was spurred on my failed attempts to puke up my food. It was too hard, I didnt like it, I liked food...so I better learn and like myself the way I am.
Did you hear last week about the Former Miss Argentina who died of complications while getting butt implants? You can read the article here. Kinda scary. I bet she had a butt we would have loved to call our own!