Monday, January 5, 2015

Everybody Poops: Part 53

I am going to tell you a fictional story today about a girl named Azalea*.  All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.**

This morning Azalea, her finance Smeather, and their two puppies went for a run.  Seeing as how it was Monday morning, and a Monday morning following a glorious work-free 4-day weekend, Azalea thought she might need a little extra boost to get her up and moving…so she took her preworkout supplement, usually reserved for days where she was going to lift and thus be close to a bathroom.  This preworkout supplement would prove to be a mistake…in about 40 minutes time.

(It should be noted that a few days prior, on their previous run, Azalea had to go poopy at the gas station, so now whenever she sees Tom Thumb, there is some Pavlovian response in her bowels, and she thinks she has to poop regardless of whether that holds true or not).

Let’s continue with the story.

Well, with one mile under their belts, as the cold winter wind of the Florida Panhandle whipped through her messy bun piled on top of her hair, Azalea began to feel something.  Something was brewing.  Something was knocking on the backdoor if you will.  But seeing as how Tom Thumb sign was lighting up the dark morning sky up ahead, Azalea decided to let out a little runner’s toot to test the waters.  She didn’t realize that Smeather, who from time to time on their runs (because she runs so much faster than Azalea), had ran back to her and was now running directly behind her, and thus, directly in the line of toot fire.  So a quick couple of toots and one tiny scream and disgusted moan later from her poor life partner caught in the cross hairs, Azalea knew that there was something “on deck”…but she decided to suck it up and try to make the run home.

Sometimes hindsight (pun intended) is 20/20…because…

About 1 mile later…Azalea had to poop.  Not just a “eh, I can wait til I get home but it’s going to be uncomfortable running squeezing my butt cheeks together” kind of poop…but a full on “the babies coming and it feels breach” kinda poop.

Decisions needed to be made.  And quickly.  The sun was rising…it would be daylight in mere moments.  Smeather had just run ahead (after Azalea had told her she had to poop…but apparently Smeather had more faith in the situation than was warranted). And most importantly, Azalea and the puppies were running past a patch of woods.  After they past those trees…it would be nothing but neighborhoods and front lawns.

So that’s when it happened.  And it happened so fast that now looking back, Azalea can’t really be sure of the exact details.  But today is the day she became a real runner.  Today Azalea pooped on the side of the road.

In less than 20 seconds, because the entire experience was cut short by an oncoming car, Azalea yanked her capris down, held the puppies at bay with one hand, and balanced like a sad little gymnast, hoping not to poop on her neon Nike Pegasus running shoes. Headlights were approaching (can no one poop on the side of the road in peace I ask you?)...time to wrap things up...

Azalea stood up and hoped nothing remained to be done because now it was a mile back to the house.  Logistically, things were a nightmare.  The last thing someone wants to deal with when they have to poop unexpectedly and without toilet paper, is the fact that they are wearing a thong under their running capris.  So she left them kinda only a half pulled up underneath it all.  She started running again.

Must get home.

Must bathe.

Must put these clothes in the wash.

At some point, Smeather ran back and asked Azalea “You gonna make it?”  Azalea looked at Smeather and said, “I pooped”.  Smeather’s  mouth dropped open and she stared at Azalea.  “NOT IN MY PANTS”, Azalea screamed. (as if what really happened was much better). “IN THE WOODS”.


All Smeather said was “Well are you going to keep running or run home?”

"Home!  I HAVE TO WIPE”! (Smeather was wearing her earphones and thus it was necessary to yell…Azalea just prayed no one was outside of their homes at this point.) So Smeather ran on…laughing and muttering.

Azalea made it home.  She showered.  She threw her clothes in the wash.  And she waited for her lifepartner to get back. 

When Smeather walked in, still laughing and now clearly saying “I can’t believe you did that”…Azalea said “SAY YOU LOVE ME!  Say you love me even though I pooped!”
Smeather:  “I love you even though you pooped….I just can’t believe you couldn’t have held it”.

Azalea:  “You smelled that fart babe!  You know it was real!  It was either poop in the woods or in my pants! I had to decide”!

So how does this story end?

Well. With some life lessons to be sure. 

1.    No bowel movement inducing preworkout before runs.

2.    Perhaps the fiber gummies the night before coupled with a preworkout supplement was not the best idea either.

3.    If you think you have to go and there is a gas station en route.  Go. For the love of God…have your life partner hold the dogs and GO.

4.    A tiny packet of wipes in your running fanny pack can’t hurt.  Mmmkay?  Be prepared.

5.    There is no shame in your running game if you have to poop mid-run.  Oh who am I kidding.  There is some shame.  You feel it in your soul.   Or…at least that’s what Azalea told me.

So happy Monday friends!  I hope your day started off a little better and a little more hygienic than our friends mentioned in the above story.

*So maybe Azalea is a fictional name.

**So maybe all the characters appearing in this work are in fact NOT fictitious.  I ain’t saying.  I am a lady.  A LADY!***


***Sometimes ladies have to poop!

10 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHAHA! Oh girlie. I'm so very sorry. But yes, you are indeed a runner.

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  2. I had to try very hard not to LOL as I read this at work...

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  3. I can't believe you would hazard a fart. You are a brave woman.
    I take a cap of miralax in my am shake and have not tried to Pass Wind since Thanksgiving day. Luckily no one was there yet, but I learned the messy way not to trust a fart. LOL.

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  4. That poor girl. But so brave! Lesson noted for future reference. Still laughing. Tracey

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  5. OMG... LMAO! That is so funny and crazy at the same time. But don't feel bad, I had my own episode... not while running and had to go in my parents backyard in the middle of the day.

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  6. Oh Lord, I'm crying over here! Every time my hubby runs a marathon I ask him "What happens if you have to poop?". Now, I know the answer!

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