There are times when, upon reading a Facebook status or seeing a certain picture, I want to say certain things to people on my newsfeed. But I don't. So I will say them here....in my safe place.**
1. You are stupid (this comes to mind a lot)
2. I am going to need you to stop posting pictures of yourself taken in the car. I understand the need for an occasional picture when you are feeling super cute. However, I do not need to see 8 shots of you a day, taken in your drivers seat.
3. Stop taking pictures of you food. Again, if you have created something yummy...picture and post away. However, if you are at Applebees and are particularly excited about your baby back ribs....don't do it.
4. You are stupid.
5. Are you really THAT angry? Is your life really that terrible? Are you really on the edge of the cliff EVERY day? Suck it up sugartits....it could be worse.
6. Hate you life? Change it.
7. Hate where you live? Move (um...I do realize some of you may think this of little ol me when I am bitching about living on the temperature equivalent of the equator)
8. Your child is ugly. There. I said it. *
9. Just because it is Halloween does not mean you have to look like a trashy whore (okay...again. I realize last Halloween I did try and dress up like a sexy teacher. Listen. It's do as I SAY, not as I do).
10. You're stupid.
11. I am going to delete you if you post one more damn music video. I do not enjoy opening my news feed to see 14 consecutive video posts that fill my entire screen. DO YOU THINK PEOPLE REALLY CLICK ON THEM?
12. Are you 13? Are you really calling your current girlfriend/boyfriends ex's out on facebook? And are they even on your friends list? Bc if they aren't...they cant see you calling them out! DUH
13. I love a good quote. I love a good song lyric. But if you can't EVER think of anything original to say...don't say anything.
14. Again, are you 13? Are you really posting your relationship drama on facebook. Classy.
15. I don't know who you are...but I approved you anyways. It says we went to high school together. I have no recollection of that ever really happening.
16. That picture you selected as your profile picture. No. Rethink it.
17. When you say things like "I can't believe this...THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER"...and then someone asks you "What? What happened?" And you say..."I can't say on Facebook. Send me a text"...I want to say THEN WHY DID YOU SAY ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?
18. Are you Paris Hilton? Why do you tilt you head and suck your cheeks in every picture?
19. Please figure out how to use the self timer on your phone or camera. Bc for the love of everything Holy, I dont' want to see another mirror shot.
20. I wish I had the nerve to tell you that no one wants to read your bigoted political thoughts. But instead of telling you that. I am just going to hide you. And pretend you don't exist.
*I do believe that there must be something that happens to a woman when she gives birth to a child...something genetic that makes it impossible to ever think your child is less than adorable. It probably serves some evolutionary purpose...like it prevented mothers from eating their young in days of famine. I mean, I have ugly dogs. But they are cute to me. SO I kinda understand. It's just sometimes when hateful Amy comes out...I think hateful things. Go forth. Procreate.
**Please realize I can say all of these things because I am perfect and never annoying***
***Please realize, the above statement was a lie. I am not perfect and should be nicer.