Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Murphy's Law Of Secret Eating

For those of us who are secret eaters people who like to enjoy crap food in private, there are some things that are bound to happen as part of karmic retribution for hiding in our gluttony privacy.

1.  When you are eating in your car, and must finish your secret snack before arriving home, it will be the one time that you get every green light and there is absolutely no traffic...meaning you have to park at the corner of your road to shovel the food into your trap.

2.  When you hide the empty bag of chocolate chex mix in the oven, because your life partner never uses the oven, rest assured that the very next day they will decide to clean the oven...stumbling upon the evidence of your shame.

3.  Think it's safe to hide your Pepsi bottle in the vegetable drawer of the fridge while you unload groceries?  Think again.  Because your life partner will decide, just this one time to help you put up the broccoli.

4.  Try to sneak into the kitchen, which is directly behind the couch your life partner is setting on, to quietly open the bag of chocolate chips, which go oh-so-nicely with a little swig of milk...well, do not act surprised when the bag dumps over...scattering chocolate goodness all over.

5.  Hide a 12 pack of Pepsi behind a filing cabinet in your office because you happen to work with your damn life partner...who apparently also doubles as Inspector Gadget...because WHO LOOKS BEHIND SOMEONES FILING CABINET....and so help me...she will do it.  That very day.  THAT VERY DAY!

6.  And do you think that under your drivers seat is safe?  That you can stash all of  your candy bar wrappers there? Well wouldnt you know if that Go Go Gadget will clean your damn car out...and discover this stash, walk into the house where you are enjoying your weekend and stare at you...and stare at you...until you break down and confess.  Or make up a lie...like..."Gee...um...ITS NOT MINE!  I was just holding it for someone!!!

10 comments:

  1. Tell her it is a right wing conspiracy and none of it yours!!

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  2. I know Heather... and I am thinking that your guilt is what's breaking you down... Since even though she loves you and wants you to stay healthy, She also wants you to be happy. Secret Eating only makes you happy for a quick minute, I only say this because I live it. My George is Heather in this scenario, I hide how much crap I eat from him sometimes... and I feel guilty because I don't want to still want these things that I desire with my mind, and not my body. I want to crave Grilled Chicken and broccoli... but even though I enjoy those things, I prefer cake, cookies, and chocolate. If I would give up those things, I could have a bangin' bod like yours by now. Instead, I make my journey longer and even more tough by indulging too much and exercising too little. You overcome so much... I read this amazing post and find inspiration and honesty... You are my friend, but also my Role Model. I adore you.

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  3. Hilarious! I guess you're not as good at hiding it as you think! Maybe Heather is part bloodhound and just sniffs it out!

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  4. Hmmm....well, at least it sounds like your life partner is helpful around the house and work and cleaning stuff and what not. Maybe just to look on the bright side...

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  5. Love, love, love the post!!! That Heather is a crafty one....

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  6. Haven't we all sooo been there. Love your blog.

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  7. I haven't read blogs in awhile. Glad I read this one first. Hysterical! I have a similar problem and assume it is God's way of telling me to, um, find better hiding places...

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