I am here guys. I am alive. Thank you to all of those who sent me worried emails or instant messages. I have been having a premidlife crisis of some sort, and I am back...and going to share a little of that with you.
Hmmm...where to start. You've have always loved my honesty yes?
Something has happened inside my brain and possibly my heart. I am not sure why, all of a sudden, I have found it super important to reevaluate my current situation, but nonetheless...the time has come.
I am not sure what my future holds, what my heart really wants, or where I am supposed to be. Simply put...I don't know if I am supposed to be with Tracey forever. And because I know the ring is coming, I finally decided it was time to voice some of these doubts that have been nagging me for a very long time. I should take a moment to reassure you, Tracey is a wonderful man and I love him to the ends of the world and back. You know he bends over backwards for me and goes above and beyond. But honestly, it' s not about that. Something inside me says...
Make sure Amy. Just make sure.
And it has been a very hard and painful week for both of us. A lot of sadness and confusion. And we are working on it. He is trying even harder to make sure I love him (which kills me) and I am trying even harder to find Amy.
I don't want to go into all the deep details, not for my sake, but for some respect for Tracey. He is a private man in that regard, so just know...
I have missed you guys and I am doing okay.
I do worry that I may be going insane. And then someone asked me if I was thinking all of these things because of the weight loss. Hell...I hadnt thought about that. I think I have always felt that Tracey wasn't exactly who I pictured falling in love with, but I did, and he is kind and good, and although I dont know if I believe in a forever love, I think you decide in life to commit and just do it. ARGH! SO maybe with all this new attention and freedom and life that I have found, I am looking deeper inside of me. Maybe I am letting myself feel things that I have tried to bury.
I just don't want to hurt anyone. And sometimes it is hard to be true to yourself when someone elses heart is involved.
So there you have it.
In true me fashion though, I am trying to put my best foot forward. We had Tracey's niece over last night and played gymnastics in the living room.
I won't stay gone so long again. If I do...you can spank me. And those of you who know me...know I might like it :)Kisses my friends.
Amy
Missed you! Stay strong.. and stay Amy!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to add that after almost 29 years of marriage I'm still not sure. But sometimes you have to take that leap of faith, either way. Happy thinking. I also loved your S.O.B. post. {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteExamining what you really want now rather than waiting until after you say... Get married is the smart and right thing to do. Both for yourself and for Tracey.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't easy. But it is the right thing, no matter what you ultimately decide. All my best to you. :)
Like many of your other devotees (I am sure), I've been "there."
ReplyDeleteYou didn't ask for advice, so I'm not going to offer any. I do want to say that the best lesson I learned from that situation is that people come into our lives when they do for a reason. They are meant to be part of our journey, but that doesn't mean they will be, or need to be there, all along the way. Love (in all of its many wonderful forms) is forever, even if the relationship is not.
Hugs and strength to you, my friend.
I believe you will get to the point that you know which way to go. I admire and appreciate you taking the time to figure this out. It is right and it is fair to both of you. Without a doubt you have changed (and will continue to change and grow for a while) and rushing into anything right now is probably not a good idea. Life is short, but then how wise are those that take their time. Big hugs.
ReplyDeletebig puffy hearts to you my friend. and hugs too. i'm with kg, you didn't ask for advice, so i won't give you any.
ReplyDeletejust know that i'm sorry you and tracey are suffering at this time. i've been there. you have to do what's best for you and be true to yourself. you're all you have in the end.
well, i guess i did give advice, but it felt right. {{{{hugs and kisses}}}}
<3
ReplyDeleteOh Amy, I know I missed you.
ReplyDeleteI have never been married or in even in a reciprocal relationship, but I do know what I want. Take your time and sort things out. Make sure you keep Tracey in the loop so if he needs to give you space he can and vice versa.
{{{{HUGS}}}}
I was wondering if you were okay. I kept looking for a post from you. I hope things work out the way you want them to. XOXOXO. I'm not too far down the road if you need to talk.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you're alright...or at least you will be. Follow your heart and eventually all of the answers will come to you. I have no doubt this happens to most everyone at some point in at least one of their relationships in their lifetime. My only advice is to always look at the "big" picture...some things may be fleeting so be sure no to let go o the wrong thing.
ReplyDelete::sigh::
ReplyDeletei hear ya sister...
i lost myself a long time ago and i starting to see glimpses of that girl, and that girl is not in the relationship i'm in now...
i hope you find answers and what you are looking for :-) and when you do....send them my way! lol
I understand as well. What did you do, catch my case of crazy right after I had it a little while ago? I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was contagious.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard, but you just get through it, one way or the other. I know.
I was engaged 2 times (I broke them off because of doubts) before I met my current husband and knew he was the one. Maybe it was timing, maybe it was him - most likely a little of both. I know it's hard, but if you do have doubts it's good to confront them now. Oh, and I give you a 10 for the handstand.
ReplyDeleteAmy, this must be heart-wrenching, I'm sorry you're going through it. Stay true to yourself. I'm pulling for you!
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of us have gone through something similar. I do think that the weight loss plays a role in it. It did for me at least. At over 300lbs, I had become someone else. As the weight started to come off, I began to re-emerge--and more specifically put my own needs first. This caused much havoc in my marriage. I'm happy that those turbulent times are over (for the most part). Our relationship is stronger now than before.
ReplyDeleteSending you much strength during these trying times...
Hey there -- I was wondering where you were and am glad you are OK. Getting married is a huge decision, and you are smart to be thinking this out carefully.
ReplyDeleteFrom everything you've written, it's clear that Tracy is a wonderful guy -- very loving, caring and supportive. I have no idea whether you guys are supposed to be together for the duration. But, no matter which way life takes the two of you, I am really glad that he's been there for you during this journey.
Am sending you a big hug. I know how hard it is to work through these things.
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteAmykins...you can always talk to me about it...the reason I havent been blogging in the past couple weeks is for the EXACT SAME REASON that is going on at our house. THE EXACT SAME REASON. Im here if you need me! Love you.
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteA very wise woman gave me some great advice when I was single. She said, "Date with your eyes wide open, and be married with your eyes half shut." Meaning that you should think very hard and long about who you marry and make sure it's the right choice for you, and then overlook their flaws and shortcomings after you're married. I took her advice and have had a wonderful (although not perfect) marriage for 13+ years. When it comes right down to it you will know what the right thing to do is for you. Sending hugs and support!
- Shannon
Thanks for the update, I always look forward to reading your blog, it makes me happy inside! Anyways, I hope that you're able to work through your problems. My husband and I had some rough times and so I can sympathize with what you're going through. Keep searching and you'll find your answer.
ReplyDeleteI've been wondering where you were - take care of yourself. The only advice I have is to trust your instinct - not always easy but essential.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was at the beginning of my weight loss journey I went through similar thought patterns - if I had lost the weight would I have ended up with my hubby etc? But honestly now I can say that we were meant to be. I guess because we are already married it is a different scenario but I feel we are stronger than ever now.
ReplyDeleteHang in my friend. Do whatever your heart feels the best about.
ReplyDeleteI don't have anything to offer other than virtual hugs. I know how hard it is to be down in it like that.
ReplyDeleteI have so many thoughts on this ..it's hard to put them all in a tiny comment box. If you ever want to talk about relationships/marriage with a semi-stranger.. hit me up! :0)
ReplyDeleteIn a small nut shell..it's to bad that the 'ideas' of marriage have not evolved with the times and we're only allowed to 'love' one ..for our whole life..ect ect ect ..
Stay strong and only do what feels 100% right!
Hugs! I just wrote a long comment and erased it because you don't really need advice, just time right now to work out your feelings. Suffice to say I have been in a similar position(I'm sure many of us have).
ReplyDeleteIf you ever want to talk email me.
xxxxLinda
If it's the impending "engagement" that is freaking you out, making you think about all these stressful things, put it off. Just put it out there that it needs to be put on hold. You might feel some weight lifted off of your shoulders when the pressure of that is lifted.
ReplyDeleteI wondered wth you went! I have been where you are right now and I agree with Sandy Lee, sometimes you just gotta take a leap of faith. Just don't throw away a good thing too quickly. You might find later that everything you needed, you already had! I hope you find yourself and everything works out for you no matter what you do! Good luck, doll!
ReplyDeleteI'm new to your blog but you seem like a wonderful person who has it together! You will make the right decision for you! Love doesn't come easy and it doesn't come very often. I think this is a lesson that I have learned the hard way. I'm under no illusions that weight loss will make Prince Charming appear at my doorstep. Love doesn't work that way.
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you sweet girl!
You look amazing by the way!!!! You are truly an inspiration!
I have been reading for awhile but never commented but have to start by saying I love you and your blog!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear you are going through this, and there is only one thing you said I wanted to respond to. You said that Tracey isnt the kind of man you "pictured" yourself falling in love with. I dont know you or your reasons behind saying this, but I just had to share my feelings.
My husband is the exact opposite of who I envisioned loving and marrying. He's substantially older than I am, was married before, has 3 kids, is bald and soft (not that I'm not soft too haha), never went to college and works a not so money-making blue collar job. I worried so much that he wasnt the type of guy I wanted and I wasnt able to handle all his baggage. I was a young, single, childless girl when we started dating, and I still am! (Except the single part!) I had doubts up to the day I married him but 4 years later I am so grateful I didnt let those feelings stand in my way. He may not be the picture I dreamed of, but he is the best thing thats ever happened to me. We have had our hard times, but Im so glad I get to skip through life with my best friend.
Thats all Ive got. I hope you find whatever you are looking for, and if its not Tracey, thats ok too. You deserve all the happiness in the world!
So sorry you're going through this, hope that you work it out.
ReplyDeleteAm impressed that you still point your toes even whilst standing on you head!
Very good.
ReplyDeleteI wondered where you were. What you're doing takes true strength; it's really hard and much easier to not answer the questions or avoid the thoughts altogether.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best, {{big hug}}.
Wishing you all the courage and strength to think through this decision with your heart, soul, and mind.
ReplyDeletei guess now would be a bad time to make a joke about recruiting you to the homo side? lol.
ReplyDeletestay strong. they don't band our heads... work it out. find a professional to work through. the issue *may* not be about love/forever/tracey and more about something else. trust me. going through that now. but if it is because you may have found your inner lesbian...call me... ;-)
xoxo, heidi
Amy, I'm sorry I made you answer the S.O.B. questions while you are dealing with this!!! But thank you again for putting the rest of us first to share your weight loss story.
ReplyDeleteI think taking your time, not feeling like there is a deadline right now for anything, is the best thing to do. You have to remember you ARE still young and there is no reason to rush anything, one way or the other.
In my own marriage, I did not have any doubts. But I knew my husband when we were 15 and got married at 29....so I knew him quite well. He was never perfect, and he is not now. But two three things I knew for sure: he made me laugh, I was wildly attracted to him, and I knew he would be an amazing father.
It is not very PC to say...but I also learned from experience, watching my mother's failed second marriage to someone from an extremely different background in every way, that the more similarities between you and your husband, the easier your marriage will be. Culturally, financially, education-wise, all of it. Each shared experience is one less thing to have to work on in your marriage.
I have no idea if this applies to your situation at all, and I hope this does not sound like unsolicited advice. Just sharing my experience.
Hugs.
I am sending you a big hug. I think the hardest part of this journey is finding our who we are. In weightloss, love, any kind of journey. How do we fit into this plan. Take time an figure it out.. I hope all goes as we say the creature as planned.. Take care..
ReplyDeletei think most people wonder if this is the right man for me for marriage. if you are planning on having children ask yourself if this is the man that you would want as their father. someone who is always there.
ReplyDeleteI <3 you
ReplyDeleteThere really are no words that I can give to you. I went through something similar with my husband. We lived together for 5yrs before we got engaged, and I wondered if this was it. You're the only one that can make the decision. No matter what you will get through it.
ReplyDeleteWow... tough stuff Amy, and I can't think of a more honest person to deal with it and get through it with dignity. Prayers are being sent your way, whatever your decision is.... My heart's with you girl... 2nd blogger buddy I've ever had... I'm praying. Love you.
ReplyDeleteBoy have I been there... take your time and listen to your heart and head. Be kind to YOU!
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you.. XOXO
This is my best advice.......go watch the movie "UP" it's a Pixar Film......it may be good medicine right now :)
ReplyDeleteAmes~ HUGS! You know more than anyone, that I went thru this myself with my situation not that long ago and you gave me the best advice. Listen with your heart and do what is best for your well being. I love you. Email me if you wanna talk.
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty! I can always count on you to tell it like it is and I TOTALLY respect that. I wanted to say sometimes the best loves in your life are one's you wouldn't expect.
ReplyDeleteOh, baby girl! I am sure this is a difficult for you, however I do believe it is necessary. I think you are right, it has to do with all the buried feelings that you may have ignored in the past. Losing the amount of weight that you have in just over a year is bound to make you think about the things in your life. Knowing that the ring is coming also plays a big part in this as well. You are at a point where you must evaluate the situation and acknowledge those buried feelings. They HAVE to come out and you are very brave for allowing yourself to realize this.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the luck, and from what I have seen in your blog and FB page, Tracey sounds like a great guy. But, only you know what is truly right for you. If you are having trouble KNOWING what is right, dig deeper, it is down there somewhere, I promise. <3
Wow Amy, you are in my thoughts. Take your time. Big Hug!
ReplyDeleteAmes, I'm definitely think of you. It wasn't easy for me to make that decision when the time came either. My husband is 16 years older than I and has three other children. I spent a lot of time thinking of those things and decided to just take a leap of faith myself and go for it. We've been married for almost seven years and it has been a struggle but no relationship is ever just easy. Take your time and make sure you do what is right for you.
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteI hope you get the clarity and answers you need. Make surr you do what is right for you in the long run.
Thinking of you
Carla
I'm late with the comment so I apologize. I just wanted to send good thoughts your way. We all go through identity crises and sometimes we inadvertantly hurt those around us when we do. I hope you find yourself and the naswers you need.
ReplyDelete"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,
ReplyDeleteit's about learning to dance in the rain." xoxo
never be with someone because you can live with them, be with someone because you can't live without them.
ReplyDeleteXOXOXO! I am just catching up on blogs from when I was away and I saw this. When I met Scott, I was SO not looking for a boyfriend. I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship, was 22 years old, and just looking to have some fun. He was freshly divorced with 2 kids. We both swore we'd never get married. Well...we've been together for 11 years and married for almost 8. I remember sobbing to my matron of honor about a month before my wedding that I was scared and I loved Scott more than anything but marriage was just so...permanent. She told me that she'd be worried about me if I had NO doubts because that might mean I was just looking to have a wedding, and not be married. It sounds like you might be in the same place, but you are a smart lady and you will figure out what the right thing is for you to do. I'm sending you loads of good vibes and big hugs!
ReplyDeleteI believe that relationships can grow just like people do, and they either falter or, if both parties are committed enough, come out stronger on the other side.
ReplyDeleteReading through all these wonderful comments, it seemed like none of them were saying what I wanted to tell you, and then I got to these two little doozies...
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."
and..
"never be with someone because you can live with them, be with someone because you can't live without them".
I couldn't have put it better.
I sometimes re-evaluate my relationship, and wonder if I actually DO want to marry my partner of 15 years, then I think... "what would my life be like without him?"
Even though he doesn't bring me EVERYTHING I need, he brings me so much other stuff that I never would have thought I needed until I found him.
And who says that we have to get EVERYTHING from one person, anyway?
((Hugs to you))
Just remember why you were with Tracey in the first place... and if you decide that he's worth the effort (because he brings so much good to your life) then let him try to grow WITH you. You might be surprised.