I like to chant my own name. It's like a personal pep rally! kisses!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
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“If you are a dreamer,come in. If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hoper, a prayer, a magic-bean-buyer. If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, for we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in!” ~Shel Silverstein
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Welcome To Amyville
- Amy W.
- I am a chronic make-believer. I amuse myself. I break out in random song at least 6 times an hour. I am me. I was banded on 1/27/2009. I look better tan. I am a mermaid. I believe you should give more than you take, laugh more than you cry, and eat cheetos when the urge arises. I have always been a dreamer. Life is unpredictable and I realize everyday how lucky I am. I think you should walk with your head up, shoulders back, look people in the eye, smile, have a good handshake, and be honest. I love cold sheets, colder air conditioning, swimming, my family, my animals, and my friends.
Just remember that you are worth whatever decision you make. Your happiness is number 1. Take care of Amy first and then others. Love ya girl. I so wish I were going to Chicago.
ReplyDelete((((HUGS)))). Well, I'm not going to post much since I've written you a novel over the last week or so about everything that is going on. But, just wanted to say that a.) I love you b.) you look absolutely stunning. c.) I like how your bracelets jingled throughout that entire thing. d.) your dog in the background cracks me up. e.) remember I'm ALWAYS here if you need to talk and f.) WTF? You are a LOST fan?! I like this a lot. I didn't get to watch it last night (it's DVR'd) and am SO excited (and sad) for Sunday.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
Oh! And P.S. Not gonna lie...I like the attention for the ladies too! Hahaha!
So sorry thayt you are going through all this but just wanted to say again you have to do what is best for you!!! You will know what is right :-)
ReplyDeleteAhhh...it's like I was a junkie starving for a hit. I'm all mellow now.
ReplyDeleteLove you Amy!
Well, you look great! Hang in there honey. I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I just hope you don't move away! Come and see me next Monday at the hospital!
ReplyDeleteXOXOXO
Glad you are still here. And we still love you.
ReplyDeleteyayy for the return of the amester! :-)
ReplyDeletea lot of food for thought...
you are exactly right about us lifelong fatties!! sure one time i weighed 184 lbs, but that was when all my friends weighed 100 lbs..one of my hs friends on fb said to me that she doesn't know me as anything but fat, i don't either! this band thing truly is a life changer, the key is figuring out how to fit it all together, what belongs & fits and what doesn't...
I am so glad your still here! And Amy I am very proud of you for not sacrificing your happiness for anything. Honestly sweetie if your not truely happy you can not be truely happy with anyone, for anyone or about anything. And you don't ever want to start resenting anyone for feeling like you sacrificed. Tracey is a great man! And I know he loves you but you are learning to love you and that he has to understand. You are a true inspiriation and I can't wait to be a past forever fattie too! BIG SLOPPY DOGGY KISSES.
ReplyDeleteAmy: My heart is with you as you struggle. But, chin up girl. You're young, beautiful, and healthy.
ReplyDeleteSue
I could see the pain in your eyes while you were talking. Sorry you are going through this, but one day you will be able to look back on this as a growing experience. Either you will grow closer together or you will find your own way, but this too shall pass.
ReplyDelete*hugs from Arizona*
ReplyDeleteOh how I missed you, Amy!!!!! What a great vlog with a lot to ponder. i am glad to see you. You look just great!
ReplyDeleteGlad you're back. We love you.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry your are struggling. You will make the right choice...I know it. You owe it to yourself to be as happy as possible. Life is too short to not be happy. Hope you will come and visit next Monday at the hospital. XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteGosh I just love you...and I mean that in a totally non-stalker sort of way. I just love who you are, even as you're struggling to figure out who that is or who that is eventually going to be.
ReplyDeletePlease keep blogging...we all miss you and perhaps our support can elevate you just a tad.
Great Blog Amy!! I miss you! the attention is great and awkward all at the same time!!
ReplyDeleteMany thanks for doing the VLOG I can't bring myself to do!! I love/hate that you are going through this and love/hate that we are doing it together. You know where to find me, much love dear. Jenn
ReplyDeleteI am so glad your back! Oh and that your well considering the conditions. Going into this journey, these are the same things i've thought about too. How will the weight-loss change me, how will i feel when i am actually skinny and etc.
ReplyDeleteIt really is a rollercoaster of emotions but stay strong girl. I wish you nothing but happiness!!
And of course, i cannot forget to mention how great you look! Love your golden locks!
xoxo
Right on sista! You can't sacrifice your heart anymore just to spare someone else pain. Why is it not okay for anyone else in your life to hurt but you feel it's okay for you to hurt and feel pain? I think we all do that....women are wired to fix and make things okay...at the expense of their own heart. I love you - to pieces.
ReplyDeleteWhy did that make me cry like a baby? I am not going through the relationship issues, but all the things that go with not being really fat for the second time ever (first time lasted 5 minutes). Want to come watch Lost with me Sunday? I'll buy baked cheetos. Love ya girl!!
ReplyDeleteI just love you!!! That's all. :)
ReplyDeleteAmy, I have recently started following your blog and I have to tell you that your posts are amazing! I think you need your own TV show!You are so beautiful! Thank you for your posts! You are inspiring!
ReplyDeleteAmy, this is the third time I have tried to post. I hope it works. Anyway, You look beautiful and you deserve to be happy. I know Tracey is a great guy, but life is short. You have to make yourself happy. Just pray for the right words.
ReplyDeleteHi Amy,
ReplyDeleteYou know, this vlog really resonated with me. I'm going through some struggles too, mostly that I think - I THINK - that MOTH is struggling a bit on his end on the new me. I have changed SO much in the last twelve months its taken my breath away, and thats rubbing off on him. Hes not used to the newly confident woman emerging (or who has already shed her cocoon) and while its not causing problems per se, I can feel a shift in our relationship. Everything he once knew is no more.
Keep forging ahead, darl. I still believe that you are a good person at heart and whatever way you decide to go it will be with the best intentions. Lovely vlog.. and boy, I see why you're getting attention. You get lovelier each time I see you.
Hugs and love
Cara x
So. Thanks. Guess you posted for a reason, which was to kind of kick me in the ass about why I'm still above 200. Because, you see, that is still fat. And comfortable. And below 200 in my mind is not. And I am scared to death to get there and have to deal with whatever that means... I want it ... and there is a part of me that doesn't... and for the last 2 months, I've fucked around and sabotaged getting there... time to get the head stuff straight because I do deserve to take care of me... Thank you Amy. Seriously. And I'm glad you're okay. I can't wait to give you a huge hug.
ReplyDeleteChange sometimes takes us down the oddest paths, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteHang in there girlfriend; the road is bumpy, but I firmly believe it always takes us to the place we are supposed to be.
I know it is scary, believe me I KNOW, but what you find when you get there can be AMAZING.
Even though you may not realize it yet, you are more than halfway there. You see things for what they are, you see yourself for what you can be and you appreciate what brought you to this point. It's all good. I promise.
*hug*
ReplyDelete'cause that's all there is to say
Amy, so glad to hear from you. I'm glad you're ok. I wish I could make the Chicago trip because girl, I definitely want to give you a hug. I guess a cyber hug will have to do for now. ;o)
ReplyDeleteYou look fabulous and while I understand not wanting to hurt anyone, you need to put yourself first so you don't ever resent anyone down the line.
I love your honesty!!!! :-) I hope everything works out just as it is supposed to.
ReplyDeleteI, like Linda, cried. You made me realize that I don't know what life will be like thin. Scary, yet exciting.
ReplyDeleteYou look SO skinny!!!
Great vlog, Amy. I lost a lot of weight in my 20s and I. Could. Not. Believe. how differently people treated me - everyone, men, women, store clerks, firefighters... **everyone**! Holding doors, starting conversations, going an extra step for me. It was like I had entered a new, kinder world and it blew my mind.
ReplyDeleteYou're so smart to admit this to yourself and face it head-on, and you're doing the honorable thing by keeping Tracey in the loop with what's happening. It's a terrible feeling to hurt someone, but it's far worse to stay with them when you need to move on.
... last sentence should say "IF you need to move on." Sorry, I didn't mean to be presumptuous.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE YOU! You are so real, honest, and hilarious. I hope you find the sanity soon;) If not, can I help bedazzle your straight jacket?
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you are alive. Thank you for your honesty and for letting us know what its like. At 213 I still do not feel like I'm there with you, although I wish I was feeling like men looked at me like that (as I am single) but it is something to look forward to. You'll figure everything out, you always do!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Alexis! I like the ladies checkin' me out ANDDDDDDDDDDDDD I am a HUGE confused as hell Lost fan as well!!!!! Be well! All you can do is think, t hink, think, and decide for YOURSELF what it is Amy wants to do!
ReplyDeleteHey Chicka- Texas here.... *hugs* to you. It's rough going through any type of relationship shtuff, but add in everything else on top of it and it will ware a girl down. You're at the proverbial fork in the road; one path is the comfortableness (is that a word?) that you're used to and the other is the BRAVE NEW WORLD where fat girls can only dream of going. It's a toss up, but ultimately life is too short to be unhappy, but you don't want to hurt the one who has stood beside you through thick (literally) and thin (and HOT!). It's a tough call and it's only yours to make. Best of luck and know that we're all here to support you, no matter which path you choose. *hugs* -T
ReplyDeleteOh almost forgot...I'm with you on LOST. I'm going to be so LOST without it!!!!!! SUNDAY NIGHT!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
ReplyDeleteFirst, you look gorgeous and tan. Second, I loved seeing Sarah's and Dashie's (that what I secretly call Cara in my mind!) comments.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the change in attention. I thought I got a lot before, but it is all different now. For me, it's more like what I got in my 20s, except that even though I weigh the same as then (and look older!), I am a million times more confident and it makes a difference. We will for sure pow-wow on this in Chicago.
In the interim, I'm sending you a big hug and lots of love. You know that hoakey saying "If you love something, set it free. . if it comes back to you, it's yours. . if it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with"? It's pretty applicable, even if I did mess up the quote.
xoxoxo,
Catherine
Amy, the best thing of all is hearing you say "the burden is lifted." You are free from that life long burden. What an amazing thing. No matter what happens from here on out, you will never be held back by that burden again - this is the real you.
ReplyDeleteI am exactly the same weight as you now - fluctuating between 184-187. And I am at a major mental roadblock. Not sure what to do, but its great to see how you just lose and lose and lose! You are awesome!
Some days I chant your name too. People look at me and wonder where the Amy is that I'm screaming about. :)
ReplyDeleteI did the condensed course of Amy, I can only imagine what it's like to have to wait week by week to see and experience the changes. I sped through and got a feeling from the start through the middle all the way up until the current day and you HAVE gone through a lot of changes. It's just slamming home all of a sudden but it's been building with you for quite some time.
I think a lot of us worry about what the future holds. I keep asking the question that no one who's had the surgery can answer, "When will I stop feeling fat?" Because I felt fat when I was younger and weighed 125. And then I felt fat because I really was. What happens when you stop identifying with that?
I think that a portion of the reason why I gained the weight is because I always wanted to be taken more seriously. When I was younger and got attention, I didn't understand that it was a weird positive from a negative thing. Being the only blonde in my classes where the population was primarily Hispanic, having the guys chant "rubia" to me and the girls call me a "puta" even though I hadn't done anything was weird. Then the select group of white people that I hung out with were skinny tweekers. There was no area of safety or security in being "thin" back then. So what happens if I get to that point now?
I like my personality, even if it's at times abrasive, at times suffocating, at times a whole lot of things that aren't stellar. I like myself as a person. I think I felt that I needed to strip away the possibility that people could make assumptions about who I was based on my looks and let my personality dominate. Was I overcompensating? The not knowing is what's weirdest.
Thank you for posting today. I missed that Amy girl, wide eyes and all. And I totally heard all those bangles chiming away, crazy bangle lady. ;)
You seem to be a little happier this week, perhaps feelings/emotions etc are slowly working out in your head and you may not realise it yet. You are taking the best course, trying to work things out without trying to hurt the people that you love (and who love you)...instead of chucking a huge wobbly,end it all now, hurt them, walk out and then suffer the consequences, but you are doing this the best way possible but still thinking of yourself first...that is a huge step....
ReplyDeletefor me I have decided not to get out there and date or meet someone until I am closer to my goal weight (selfish?) I don't think so but it's purely because in the past I have made bad choices and always have ended it (I have only been dumped once in my life! I have always been the one who ended it...and I know the reasons why, similar to what you are going through). Life sucks, but it makes us stronger!
....and if you are in a straight jacket in Chicago make sure it's a fashion statement babe! luv ya...xx
It was so good to hear from you - thanks for the vlog - I know it was a special gift just for me - right! right ?.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could make things easier for you right now. I'm proud of you for knowing that you have to do what is right for Amy. This advice is not to sway your decesion in any direction but just a word of warning from a former skinny chick (size 4 - waaahh what happened to that) It feels really good to have people (men especially ) like you and be attracted to you without even having to open your mouth. Totally great for the ego - but you have to realize that if you don't even have to open your mouth then they certainly aren't attrected to you for the wonderful person you are - if fact many of them could care less about who you are
Just be careful in those uncharted waters.
Love You. - and looking for you on facebook - Karen
I am so glad you posted this vlog, I was getting worried about you! You look fantastic, as usual! My heart goes out to you, I know this is very hard. But as I have said before, you are so strong. Hugs & Kisses Pookie! <3
ReplyDeleteHi Ames.....gosh I have missed your post******* You just touched on one of my bigest fears of wls. How is it going to chnage me, not apperance but me!!! I worry about that a lot. I don't want my personality to change, I don't want me to change on the inside. I struggle with that thought all the time!! Thanks for being so open about this!!!!! Oh, and don't go away for so long next time! I've checked your blog like a million times :)
ReplyDeleteI so hate to see you sad Amy. :-(
ReplyDeleteI know you will get through this and as many have probably said before me...your happiness is what is firstly important. You have to please you first and then the rest will fall in line.
You mentioned that "to not be fat" was brand new to you and that you thought you were prepared. Just know we can never fully prepare for what the next day holds. Life is funny that way. You just have to roll with the punches. You have done well so far and I'm and sure you will continue to do well. This vlog reminds me of your question a little while back What do you hide behind? I think you are discovering more answers to that question as you journey along.
Whatever your decision you will be alright and so will all parties involved.
In Peter Pan Captain Hook asked Peter "who and what art thou?"
Peter answered "I'm youth, I'm joy, I'm a little bird that has broken out of the egg."
I say to you Amy continue to break out of your egg. You have so much to discover.
I just read Kerri's comment and thought of this for you
ReplyDeletehttp://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.html
Yes girl inspite of, you need your own (OWN) show.
Love you much!!!
Can I just say how amazing you are?! I think you're much stronger then you think. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this but you'll come out on top!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, hang in there. I'm glad to see you back. We all miss you and really care about you. It has been years since I was at a normal weight, but I remember getting to my goal weight and being unable to handle the attention. I used to joke and say that God put me in this body for a reason, because if I looked good, I'd dress like Cher to pick my kids up at school and that my fat was what kept me faithful to my husband. It was a joke, but rooted in truth. There's so much change and it's difficult. I'm proud of you for taking care of Amy.
ReplyDeletePS
I promise to check you out in Chicago!
Ames~MoMo here, missin you and knowing exactly how you feel honey. Remember the emails I would send you about how lost I was now that my life was more about me than taking care of others? Remember your advice, don't settle, and make sure you're doing something for you. You deserve it. Love you honey!
ReplyDeleteThink of the dull wet blanket we all might have been if we didn't have to overcome this whole weight thing...
ReplyDeleteKisses, sweetheart!
I am sorry to see you so conflicted but you do deserve to be happy. I won't ever know what you and Brooke are going through but I hope you can both be happy!! I suppose I just want to say one thing and I hope you don't mind???? The grass is not always greener and while the attention is wonderful and fun ...and new and exciting and so on...I just want to remind you that you have said you have a great man. He loves you for who you are, he loved you at your biggest and supported you and I just wanted to say that when you have a good man that while the wonder of what could or would be wonderful ...the reality isn't always the same.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of a lady that was on Oprah years back. DH and I were were having a hard time and we were thinking of calling it quits. I remember this lady who was married and had kids and a great life and she left him for another man. After all the fun had died off and the relationship settled she realised that she already had a great marriage...better than this one and she wanted it back. But of course she couldn't have that and she regretted it and what it did to her and her family. Just another view.
I am not saying that Tracey is the one for you or that there isn't someone better out there ...I just wanted to tell you about that story because it really affected me and reminded me of things that I love about my husband and seriously I love him more today - probably because of what we have gone through together and how he has always loved me. I seriously hope that you can find that happiness in your life and that you can work through this and find what you want and need.
Be true to yourself....as I am sure you will. I hope you don't mind my comment???? I am a little nervous and hope you take it the right way....Take care Sallyxxx
Well, I am not going to repeat all that good stuff that everyone said. Especially since this is the very first time I posted a comment here (although I do read along!)
ReplyDeleteBut, I have something pretty important to tell you---YOU could pass for JENNIFER ANISTON!!!! REALLY! REALLY! REALLY!
The more I watched your vlog (which, btw, was great!), the more I could see it!!!
Onward!
Judi
Dear Amy,
ReplyDeleteFirst {{big hug}}. I watched your vlog yesterday but needed to think about if before I commented.
I realized something when you mentioned that you had always been the fat girl and not being that anymore is brand new and is taking some getting used to. I was "normal weight" until just over a decade ago, but back then I never felt thin enough. When I started gaining weight it bothered me and I made some failed attempts at weight loss. As I continued to gain weight I liked that I wasn't the object of men's gaze. I liked feeling invisible, still working on figuring out why but my point is (and I do have a point) is that our external selves whether we accept it or not affects the way we carry ourselves in the world. And I mean both physically and mentally. People's perception of us is different, our perception of self is different. You cannot separate the physical changes in you from the inner you. Does that make sense?
Sorry for the long-winded post but keep working through it. You'll find your way.
Take care.
Ive only just seen your vlog sorry catching up at the weekend! You looked so sad I just wanted to reach in and give you a hug. I can't imagine how scary it is to try and put yourself first after years of being last but you have worked so hard to get here you deserve to be happy. My thoughts are with you and thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteMuch love xxx
that was a great vlog. your'e so sincere and passionate whether you're talking about your personal journies or new fitness classes. speaking of which.... that new fitness place sounds incredible and i can't wait for the day when we get something cool around here where i live. but aside from that, i really do think you should put you first. it might be hard because you're not used to doing it or because it might hurt someone, but you gotta make yourself happy. you can't be good for anyone else if you aren't happy yourself. and you deserve it. you really do.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being so honest Amy!! You ROCK!
ReplyDeletejust found you! You are very inspiring! Loved the video... good stuff to hear. You rock! If you don't mind I would love to add you to my blog roll! : )
ReplyDeleteBeen out of commission- work and stewing on this issue.
ReplyDeleteGod, we're long lost sisters, I swear! I'm at the same weight and still struggling with the same shit, as you know. And it's soooooo good to know I am not alone. We're not selfish people. Not being selfish is probably how we got into these messes!
And wow, I am going to have to think a lot about what you said about charming people when you were fat. Same here. I kind of flirted them into liking me. I was like a fat magician- now you see me and I'm fat but let me wave my magic wand and make you love me and voila!- I don't seem so fat anymore!!! It was exhausting. It was all I knew. It was how I got by: making people laugh and like me despite me not liking myself.
And now it's like: who am I if I'm not that girl?
Also just saw Sally's post- good point Girl Bandit. Very, very good point. I know it was meant for Amy but I roger'ed that, too :-)
ReplyDeleteWow. I so understand this! I've been where you are and am there right now too... Thank you so much for posting. I know, I'm late but I have been hiding ...
ReplyDelete