Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Why my fat didn't win

I think that for all of us, being fat guided us. It shaped our lives and our choices. After my post last night, and after reading all the comments, I have been sitting here trying to figure out why...for me...being fat didn't hold me back. For sure, being fat determined and changed the course of my life and played a key part in so many of my choices. I did things with boys bc I thought they would like me more (tried to make them forget that I was fat). I quit the dance team. I worked super hard to be funny and likeable, felt like I always had to be "on"....

And when Liz said I must have had people in my life that helped me feel good about myself, or Angie said I was lucky that I didn't let it defeat made me think. I have the most amazing parents and family. My brother and I are very close now, but growing up, 8 years my senior and always super fit, he constantly told me how fat I was, how I wouldn't grow up to get a man, how I could be so much hotter....he told me about my cellulite in my fat ass....when I was 5. Boys in school called me fat (usually after I had beat them at some game or had nothing better to say). So it wasn't that people weren't constantly reminding me that I was bigger.

Was it luck? It was luck that I was born into my family I guess. They certainly shaped my sense of humor, my outgoing personality....we Workman's are all kinda like that. My parent's always believed I could do anything, supported me. My dad was my teeball coach, and my mom was that mom at high school graduation holding a sign that said "Carpe Diem" and screaming my name. But somehow, early on...I knew I had a choice. And I chose to live like I wasn't fat. And I don't know why that is. Why we are all different. I do try to remind myself that not everyone is me. And I certainly have had days, weeks, segments of my life that my body size really got me down. I mean...Hellooooo...I had weight loss surgery! You remember how Star Jones used to try and make us believe she loved being big and had no problem with it? I never loved, nor do I now, love being a big girl or being fat. I guess I just tried to work with what I had at the time. Make the best out of the "now".

On a lighter note (hahahah....pun) all that one mile running on Biggest Loser last night made me want to run a mile. I thought of Sarah every time...and all of you out there running now! In junior high we had to run a mile in under 11 minutes. I could NEVER do it...and can't do it yet. But that is one of my goals. Perhaps one I should be working on huh? Instead of just thinking about!

Happy Humpday everyone!


  1. Awww... so sweet! You know, I don't think I let it get me down either - I mean, it definitely impacted me, but not in such a negative way as some others have experienced. I'm glad for that. At any rate, I know you can run a mile... you've done it before! But it doesn't much matter whether or not you do - as long as you're being healthy!!! :-) And keep up the GREAT attitude!

    (BTW - my word id was "weiverse"... maybe a new twist to "universe" since WE are all in this together? I wonder about these words sometimes)

  2. I Love your attitude! and Im sure that you have always had this kind of attitude just from the way you talk. I always had someone on my case and telling me that I would never do anything if I got big, or If I decided that I wanted to back for seconds on dinner that i would be big as a house just like "this person" my stepdad would always put me down because of that and I didnt let it get to me because I knew that I could do anything I wanted. I was a cheerleader, I was in Band, I was really popular in school becuase of ME not How big I was.

    p.s. I wanna run too...

  3. Hey Amy,
    First up, thanks for your sweet message on my last post - made me wanna cry (but in a good way!)
    There are definitely two different groups of people in the world. Those that let their weight get in the way of living and those push on regardless. I have such admiration for you as a woman, as you never let anything stop you barreling through life. You live life the way it was meant to be lived. Love, love, love that attitude and you are a bright shiny star. Wish there were more people like you out there: the world sure would be a better place. xx

  4. Ditto what everyone else said. You rock.

  5. I like your post! I'm glad what I said made you think. We are all different and I think it's important to stop and soak that in at times. It's hard to truly compare outselves to others. You are and were very blessed. I could tell from your parents goofy cruise pics that they are silly and you guys are close. THAT IS FABULOUS! And I do believe you've always had this kind of spirit. You have the kind of spirit I've had w/ family and friends but hid from others, in fear of being judged. Like "the fat girls trying too hard again, to be funny...pretty, etc." But I'm letting my true colors show all the time, more and more and get this, PEOPLE LIKE ME MORE! it's insane! But at the same time gratifying for me to experience people like the REAL ME! You've been a great pillar of support and motivation for me through this process! Keep on keepin on woman! And btw, you CAN run that mile. You can do anything you believe you can, I TRULY BELIEVE THAT!

  6. I'm with you Amy, I keep thinking running would be great and something I would like to strive to do. It would be a great NSV, but I never seem to work on it, just can't get going on that one. Soon!!! I hope. I guess any exercise at all would be something I need to work on first.

  7. I really enjoy reading your blog because it always gives me food for thought (so to speak!). I was the fat girl who chose to be super funny, so I always had friends (although the boys.. well.. not so much!). I didn't hide away but I didn't really put myself out there really. I got to the stage at about 20 when I decided I didn't really care if people liked me, I'd just plod along in life and take it how it comes!

    Losing weight, although it has given me more confidence, hasn't changed who I am, how I treat people, or who my friends are. And I still think I'm funny .. sometimes!

    Em :)

  8. Hi Amy!
    I have just started reading your blog and I am hooked! I am a third shifter and I read it before going to sleep every morning backwards. Im so tempted to jump ahead to see where you are at "today". Right now, the two of us are at the same weight. I am starting my Lap Band Journey at 28 yrs old and 227 pounds.

    As far as letting weight control you, dont get too mad at that girl. Get mad at her for vocalizing it and crying about it, but dont get mad that it happens. It is my biggest struggle in life but one I only blog about and talk to my therapist about. I dont even talk to my sister or best friends about how much my weight impacts EVERYTHING I do.

    In fact, I dont know how it doesnt impact EVERY fat person. Lets take travel for instance. Can you REALLY be happy traveling if you cant fit into a plane seat? Or looking at your pictures later of the new exotic place you visited and only be focused on how huge your arm fat is?

    Ive always wanted to go to Hershey PA because they have a theme park there where the Mascots are a Hershey Kiss and a Reece Cup. But I wont let myself go until Im in single digit pants because a picture of a fat girl between two candy bar mascots is just embarassing. And Im a pretty girl for the most part!!!

    Cheerleading...Were you really happy when they had to sew together two skirts??? THIS is why most people "wait" until they lose weight. They feel they cant experience the happiness involved with the activity anyways.

    That being said, I am SO happy for you you have been able to live your life without restriction (hahaha, pun intended). Your blog has been so nice to read and made me think a lot about what Ive missed. Then again, I missed these things for a reason. Like you said, its relative. Im jealous you can put body image behind you and enjoy prom in a size 18 dress. I cannot. It just makes me feel disgusting all over.

    Ive always thought I was a pretty girl, a smart girl, a funny girl, and would give anyone the shirt off my back. But because I couldnt stick to my weight loss efforts, my fat negated ALL those positive qualities. Kudos to you for realizing just because you are fat doesnt mean you cant be all those other things TOO.

    Im trying...but for those of us who struggle with living and doing what we want as fat people, sometimes its a silent struggle, not always all public like the Biggest Loser chick.

    Cant wait to catch up and see where this journey takes ya Amy!