Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Today Is A Hard Day

Today is a hard day.  Today I am a shell with a smile on my face but eyes puffy and swollen from crying.  I woke up around 230 this morning and started crying.  I cried so hard I eventually got sick.  That lasted about an hour and I fell back to sleep at some point.  I woke up at 450 and went to the gym.  I cried in my car until I convinced myself to suck it up for at least 60 minutes.  I cried on my way to work.  I cried in the bathroom stall.

Today I don't believe in psychopaths or narcissists.  Today I blame myself.  Today I am a failure.  Today I am riddled with "Why wasn't I good enough?", "Why didn't she love me enough?", "How could she lie to me?"

Today when I start to tell myself "It's because she is broken and does not feel"...I quickly shut that down with "Well if you had been enough..."

It crushes my already broken heart to think about how I gave her all of me...everything...I worshiped her and trusted her and spent all of my money and time and energy on her...

And she threw me away.

Today I replay everything. From their text messages to Gina looking me in the face and pretending to be my friend while sleeping with my wife behind my back.  Today I wonder how she lives with herself.  Today I think about the mornings when I would be crumpled on the kitchen floor crying and Heather would be leaving for work and would say to me, "I can't deal with this right now...can't we just have a couple of days where we don't have to do THIS?'...and she would walk out and I would try to be a better wife by not talking about "this".

It was like she just flipped a switch and that was it.

I can't make sense of it.

My heart doesn't understand.

Today my heart feels heavy.  It feels full of sadness. It feels full of broken promises and lies.  I wish I could wring it out...like a towel that is soaked with water...and then hang it out to dry.

But life goes on.  So I got out of bed and worked out, planted a tree in the front yard, fed the ducks, played with the dogs, did some laundry, took a shower, and went to work. And tonight my sister comes in town, and my parents and brother and Lisa get in tomorrow...

And life goes on.

But today life is hard.

Today is a hard day.

10 comments:

  1. Are you talking to a therapist about all this? I can't remember ???

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    1. I ditto Vickie, therapist can guide you through the why's so you can process this.

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  2. Ugh. I wish you didn't have to go through this. Glad you are persevering, and I definitely recommend therapy to speed along the healing.

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  3. She doesn't deserve the space in your head.....but I'm sorry that today is a hard day. Tomorrow will be better. XO

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  4. Ugh. My heart hurts for you. I hope one day you can find the answers and peace you so deserve❤️

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  5. I feel for you and have been there several times in my life and it is a terrible desperate place to be. Please know that time does make it better and just like addiction, you have to take one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time and sometimes just one minute. Don't give up on you. You will get through this and you will be a stronger person for it. However, know that it is ok to have a pity party and cry and throw a fit....just visit though, don't unpack and live there :) Praying for your healing and strength.

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  6. Hang in there....it DOES get better. With sucky hard days along the way. I know that sick empty feeling so well. Just keep taking care of yourself like you have been. Keep your friends and family close. It just takes time.

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  7. You have been on my mind lately and I haven't been blogging for about 9 months. I am SO sorry that this is what you are dealing with. I feel for you and have no magic words of wisdom. Do take care of yourself sweetheart.

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  8. :(
    You are doing your best and that is all you can do. You will come out on the other side stronger than you can ever imagine. For now, just ride those waves.....and keep working out! #endorphins

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