Today is a hard day. Today I am a shell with a smile on my face but eyes puffy and swollen from crying. I woke up around 230 this morning and started crying. I cried so hard I eventually got sick. That lasted about an hour and I fell back to sleep at some point. I woke up at 450 and went to the gym. I cried in my car until I convinced myself to suck it up for at least 60 minutes. I cried on my way to work. I cried in the bathroom stall.
Today I don't believe in psychopaths or narcissists. Today I blame myself. Today I am a failure. Today I am riddled with "Why wasn't I good enough?", "Why didn't she love me enough?", "How could she lie to me?"
Today when I start to tell myself "It's because she is broken and does not feel"...I quickly shut that down with "Well if you had been enough..."
It crushes my already broken heart to think about how I gave her all of me...everything...I worshiped her and trusted her and spent all of my money and time and energy on her...
And she threw me away.
Today I replay everything. From their text messages to Gina looking me in the face and pretending to be my friend while sleeping with my wife behind my back. Today I wonder how she lives with herself. Today I think about the mornings when I would be crumpled on the kitchen floor crying and Heather would be leaving for work and would say to me, "I can't deal with this right now...can't we just have a couple of days where we don't have to do THIS?'...and she would walk out and I would try to be a better wife by not talking about "this".
It was like she just flipped a switch and that was it.
I can't make sense of it.
My heart doesn't understand.
Today my heart feels heavy. It feels full of sadness. It feels full of broken promises and lies. I wish I could wring it out...like a towel that is soaked with water...and then hang it out to dry.
But life goes on. So I got out of bed and worked out, planted a tree in the front yard, fed the ducks, played with the dogs, did some laundry, took a shower, and went to work. And tonight my sister comes in town, and my parents and brother and Lisa get in tomorrow...
And life goes on.
But today life is hard.
Today is a hard day.