Last week I promised Ramona (fellow/former bandster) that I would update the old blog that day...
I didn't KNOW it was a lie. And I don't like to lie...but before I knew it, it was a million days later and here we are.
So here we are.
So where am I?
I am okay this week. Two weeks ago though, I was curled up in my empty bathtub holding a towel and sobbing. That was a hard week.
It's a rollercoaster. This healing.
But I do feel like I am healing...I just need to stop touching the scab.
I hate the word scab.
And look...I just typed it twice.
And I feel like I am learning about myself. I feel like one day I will be okay. And that's a vast improvement from 10 days ago when I asked my friend Miriam, what if my heart never heals? What if I cry every day for the rest of my life? What if I am the "happy" girl on the outside with the broken heart on the inside...
and she said...
I do a lot of reading about narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths. It helps. Even though it's hard to make sense of it in my brain. It's hard to understand that their can be human beings that don't feel remorse. It's hard to believe that there are people that actually plot and plan on how to control and manipulate the people in their lives...that do nothing but give.
It is the opposite of who I am.
And so once of the things I have stopped thinking is the line of thought that "I am so stupid...how did I let this happen? How did I not know?"
I wasn't stupid. Heather exploited the best parts of me. She chose me for all the wonderful things I am. Kind, trusting, empathic, loving, giving...I was the perfect target. It was all the good in me that made me the "perfect choice"...
I find myself struggling this week not with "How could she" or "Why"...but coming to terms with the fact that the person I loved never really existed. For seven years...my love was real...yes. Hers...what I thought was love...was not.
That's a hard pill to swallow.
And that's one of the things that makes coming out of a breakup with a narcissist different than a "normal" breakup (which are terrible and painful and hurtful as well)...most normal human beings feel something. People cheat and fall out of love all the time. People leave people and hurt people. And none of that is "right", but most people don't thrive off of the pain involved. They haven't plotted and manufactured an identity. I kissed Heather before I told Tracey I was leaving him. It took me four days to tell him. I hurt him. It hurt me to watch that. I felt bad for my behavior and choices for a long time. I still think of him fondly and while I don't believe in regret...I know that I caused him pain.
People with Cluster B personality disorders...it's just so different.
I started reading this book yesterday...
But it's helped to open my eyes. I mean, one eye is open and the other is kinda opened...but still. AND, after I stop reading it for a few hours I start to make excuses for her...but I will just reread if necessary.
It's funny, and sad I suppose, that while I was IN the relationship, I didn't realize how terrible some things were.
Example. Miriam asked me the other day why it took me 10 years to go back to Kansas. I told her I guess because Heather never wanted to go. And I told her how once when I asked Heather to go back to Kansas with me she said, "I have no interest in seeing where you came from. I don't want to drive around while you show me your house, or school, or favorite places."
And while I know it hurt me at the time, I quickly taught myself to believe "Maybe she is right. Maybe people don't want to do that. And just bc it's a big deal for me, doesn't mean it's important."
I actually asked Heather about that conversation recently...and she said "NO ONE WANTS TO SEE SOMEONE'S HOME...if they tell you that, it's bullshit."
And she believes that.
I love seeing and knowing where people came from. It's important.
But not to her.
So I learn. I learn what I need and want and deserve now and in the future.
And believe me, I will never settle for less than I deserve again. If I do, please come to my home and kidnap me.
So that's where I am emotionally.
Let's look at some pictures now.
Miriam and I on the 3rd. We were supposed to go tubing but the damn river was too high...so we all went to the beach instead.
And that's it. I am alive and making it. I love y'all.