Today Is A Hard Day

Today is a hard day.  Today I am a shell with a smile on my face but eyes puffy and swollen from crying.  I woke up around 230 this morning and started crying.  I cried so hard I eventually got sick.  That lasted about an hour and I fell back to sleep at some point.  I woke up at 450 and went to the gym.  I cried in my car until I convinced myself to suck it up for at least 60 minutes.  I cried on my way to work.  I cried in the bathroom stall.

Today I don't believe in psychopaths or narcissists.  Today I blame myself.  Today I am a failure.  Today I am riddled with "Why wasn't I good enough?", "Why didn't she love me enough?", "How could she lie to me?"

Today when I start to tell myself "It's because she is broken and does not feel"...I quickly shut that down with "Well if you had been enough..."

It crushes my already broken heart to think about how I gave her all of me...everything...I worshiped her and trusted her and spent all of my money and time and energy on her...

And she threw me away.

Today I replay everything. From their text messages to Gina looking me in the face and pretending to be my friend while sleeping with my wife behind my back.  Today I wonder how she lives with herself.  Today I think about the mornings when I would be crumpled on the kitchen floor crying and Heather would be leaving for work and would say to me, "I can't deal with this right now...can't we just have a couple of days where we don't have to do THIS?'...and she would walk out and I would try to be a better wife by not talking about "this".

It was like she just flipped a switch and that was it.

I can't make sense of it.

My heart doesn't understand.

Today my heart feels heavy.  It feels full of sadness. It feels full of broken promises and lies.  I wish I could wring it out...like a towel that is soaked with water...and then hang it out to dry.

But life goes on.  So I got out of bed and worked out, planted a tree in the front yard, fed the ducks, played with the dogs, did some laundry, took a shower, and went to work. And tonight my sister comes in town, and my parents and brother and Lisa get in tomorrow...

And life goes on.

But today life is hard.

Today is a hard day.

Hot As A Firecracker, Here Comes July

Good afternoon to all my little snuggle bunnies and cupcakes.  You keeping your chin up?  If not, fuck it.  You don't have to today.  But maybe tomorrow.  And if you are...come here and let me get a piggie backride.  That's not a metaphor.  I just really like piggie backrides.

Last week I promised Ramona (fellow/former bandster) that I would update the old blog that day...

I lied.

I didn't KNOW it was a lie.  And I don't like to lie...but before I knew it, it was a million days later and here we are.

So here we are.

So where am I?

I am okay this week.  Two weeks ago though, I was curled up in my empty bathtub holding a towel and sobbing.  That was a hard week.

It's a rollercoaster.  This healing.

But I do feel like I am healing...I just need to stop touching the scab.

I hate the word scab.

And look...I just typed it twice.

And I feel like I am learning about myself.  I feel like one day I will be okay.  And that's a vast improvement from 10 days ago when I asked my friend Miriam, what if my heart never heals?  What if I cry every day for the rest of my life?  What if I am the "happy" girl on the outside with the broken heart on the inside...

and she said...

And every time I read that...I cry. Because I hope with all of my hopes...that she is right.  I asked Therapist last week..."What if everyone is wrong?  How do you know, or everyone else who tells me the same thing, that I WILL be okay?" She said, "Amy, you have A LOT of indicators that you are going to be okay.  A LOT".

I do a lot of reading about narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths.  It helps.  Even though it's hard to make sense of it in my brain.  It's hard to understand that their can be human beings that don't feel remorse.  It's hard to believe that there are people that actually plot and plan on how to control and manipulate the people in their lives...that do nothing but give.

It is the opposite of who I am.

And so once of the things I have stopped thinking is the line of thought that "I am so stupid...how did I let this happen?  How did I not know?"

I wasn't stupid.  Heather exploited the best parts of me.  She chose me for all the wonderful things I am.  Kind, trusting, empathic, loving, giving...I was the perfect target.  It was all the good in me that made me the "perfect choice"...

I find myself struggling this week not with "How could she" or "Why"...but coming to terms with the fact that the person I loved never really existed.  For seven years...my love was real...yes.  Hers...what I thought was love...was not.

That's a hard pill to swallow.

And that's one of the things that makes coming out of a breakup with a narcissist different than a "normal" breakup (which are terrible and painful and hurtful as well)...most normal human beings feel something.  People cheat and fall out of love all the time.  People leave people and hurt people.  And none of that is "right", but most people don't thrive off of the pain involved.  They haven't plotted and manufactured an identity.  I kissed Heather before I told Tracey I was leaving him.  It took me four days to tell him.  I hurt him.  It hurt me to watch that.  I felt bad for my behavior and choices for a long time.  I still think of him fondly and while I don't believe in regret...I know that I caused him pain.

People with Cluster B personality disorders...it's just so different.

I started reading this book yesterday...

Holy tits it's eerie.  Eerie because it's like someone has been following me around documenting my life.  I am underlining things as I read...which is rather pointless since I've basically underlined the entire book.

But it's helped to open my eyes. I mean, one eye is open and the other is kinda opened...but still.  AND, after I stop reading it for a few hours I start to make excuses for her...but I will just reread if necessary.

It's funny, and sad I suppose, that while I was IN the relationship, I didn't realize how terrible some things were.

Example.  Miriam asked me the other day why it took me 10 years to go back to Kansas.  I told her I guess because Heather never wanted to go.  And I told her how once when I asked Heather to go back to Kansas with me she said, "I have no interest in seeing where you came from.  I don't want to drive around while you show me your house, or school, or favorite places."

And while I know it hurt me at the time, I quickly taught myself to believe "Maybe she is right.  Maybe people don't want to do that.  And just bc it's a big deal for me, doesn't mean it's important."

I actually asked Heather about that conversation recently...and she said "NO ONE WANTS TO SEE SOMEONE'S HOME...if they tell you that, it's bullshit."

And she believes that.

I love seeing and knowing where people came from.  It's important.

But not to her.

So I learn.  I learn what I need and want and deserve now and in the future.

And believe me, I will never settle for less than I deserve again.  If I do, please come to my home and kidnap me.

So that's where I am emotionally.

Let's look at some pictures now.

 Listen.  This was after a lonnnnnng day of drinking and my lips were sunburnt and the ice cream cake was reallllly frozen and my utensil didnt work...so I used my face.

 We had an amazing float party on my lake on the 4th.  This was Boobies shit emoji.  I had a taco float...duh.

 Wild blue and some of the crew.  We took the paddle boat out, anchored it, and then floated on our rafts!

 I have a chair under my stairs that I like to sit in and look out at the backyard and water.

 Oooh.  PowPow and I went out...AFTER dark to a ccountry concert at the beach.  We thought it started at 7pm, which was already late for us.  He came on around 11:30 PM!  We almost died.  But there were so many hot guys including one I was rubbing on for an hour or so...I think he name was Daniel?  Dylan?  I don't know.  He was beautiful and we were in love for about 60 minutes.

 Bowling.  MadDog and the Big Booty Bowlers.

Miriam and I on the 3rd.  We were supposed to go tubing but the damn river was too high...so we all went to the beach instead.

 My suit for the 4th.  It took me 20 minutes to strap myself in bc I got frustrated and completly undid it.  That's why I started drinking at 930 am and was eating cake with my face 14 hour later.

 Me and Timmy (we also call him Yummy...for obvious reasons)

I bought a damn weed eater and figured that sucker out myself.  I was pretty proud of myself man.

And that's it.  I am alive and making it.  I love y'all.