Good morning moist muffins.
It's been two and a half months since everything changed. Two and a half months. It feels like I have been going through this much longer than that...but I guess if you figure in the ENTIRE stretch of discourse, it has been closer to a year.
A year is a long time.
Two and a half month is an eternity in moments measured in heartbreak.
There are some amazing things happening in my life. I am officially a homeowner! I am in love with my house. It's much like me. A little older, needs some work and curb appeal, full of character and perfect for entertaining. And as you may have seen on social media, I have the most AMAZING group of friends that have helped me accomplish more in the last 3 weeks with the house than most people do in three months.
There were multiple slumber parties to paint.
Champagne
Moving day and putting contact paper down in the kitchen.
More painting.
Fixing things I broke.
Getting rid of cockroaches
Made time for a little Dirty Dancing.
Got a fence installed in the backyard.
Pressure washing.
Because I am shattered. And I am so tired. So tired. The nightmares had stopped for a few weeks and I was sleeping a little again. But ever since I moved into the house, the nightmares have returned. I dream about them together and wake up confused. Sometimes I wake up unable to catch my breath. And once I do I just lay there...trying to make sense of what is real. Trying to make sense of their actions or choices. But I can't. I have given up on going to bed at a reasonable time. What's the point? So I just try and stay up being productive. Painting or cleaning or organizing.
I spent a lot of last week angry. Angry at both of them. For Heather lying to me and not being the person she promised. For not having enough balls to end us before starting them. For deceiving me months and months while making me feel like I was crazy. Mad at Gina for all of her deceit. How can someone do that to their friend? How does she sleep at night? How does she justify what she has done? How do people live with themselves knowing that have broken good people?
I don't understand any of it.
I cry a lot. It can come out of nowhere. On the way home from the grocery store. On the way to work. Walking in my house.
Heartbreak is like a rollercoaster. One moment I will be full of hope...the next moment...I don't know how I am going to make it.
When does it get better? Why did they do it? How is this real? Why can't I just be "over it"?
These are the questions that just.won't.stop.
I do a lot of reading and have started journaling again. My heart still wants to believe that there is hope for her. One of my friends text me the other night and said, "Do you realize when people talk ill of Heather you cringe? Which makes you a good person. And the fact that she won't leave you alone makes her a bad one."
I can soooooo relate to all the devastation and heartbreak and "why????how???" questions....I went through the same when my ex husband cheated and then left. He also kept me on a leash, keeping me hoping we could work things out. I simply could NOT wrap my brain about how he could do what he did. HOW is that ok? WHO is he? HOW could the man I loved do something SO completely devastating? Just did not compute. A word of advice.....get away from heather as soon as you can. It's going to hurt more for a little bit, but you will be so much better off for it. And you will move on faster. I stuck around waaaayyyy too long, while he was with the other woman, hoping he was the man I thought he was. The truth was too hard to face. The truth is - when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. Get away from her, completely, now. She doesn't love you. And I can promise you, it DOES GET BETTER!!!! Hang in there ❤️
ReplyDeleteHope you update the blog soon. Your entries are really helpful and honest and courageous. I realized that my friend is in the middle of exactly what you describe in a narcissist. It's shocking and this is going to really help free her. Thank you and I hope you are doing GREAT!
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