April Showers, Bring May Flowers

I'm not sure "showers" is an accurate term to describe the month of April for me...but for poetic purposes...we will roll with it.  And I DID get flowers recently...the first time anyone but my father has bought me flowers.  But I digress.

First, I want to thank all of you who have commented either here, privately, on Facebook or Instagram, or in person.  Each time you reach out to me I swear it matters.  It makes me tear up a little as I type this.  Heather has blasted me for sharing things on social media...the most recent being...

This photo that is from our marriage license.  I am buying a house (the post is coming) and had to provide a copy.  I failed to remember the person that notarized our marriage, making it legal...was also the person that would play a part in ending it.  It didn't make me angry.  It made me sad and a little sick.  But it was so ironic that of COURSE I had to post it.  Have you met me?  Do I overshare on social media?  Yes.  

And do I care if it gets back to Gina or makes her look bad?

Uh.  No.

Is it childish?

Maybe.

Does it help me?

I think so.  

I'm just making it through this the best way I know how.  And protecting or caring about people who not just lied to me, but sought me out and actively deceived me for months...sorry, not sorry.  You made your bed.  With my wife.  You may now curl up in it.

But back to what I WAS saying...everything y'all do and say matters and helps.  

That I know.

On Monday, at 10:00 am we will go to court and our divorce will be final.  I filed the week after I found out.  Heather didn't know why we just couldn't stay married...you get more back on taxes and all.  It will be tremendously hard for me.  Hopefully I won't have to say much.  We did a "simplified dissolution of marriage", so it should take under 15 minutes.

And then I will no longer be a wife.

We will be nothing again.

And part of that is heartbreaking.

I assume that those 15 minutes will be some of the hardest minutes of my life.  

But I will make it.

I thought I would do a little Q & A style session for y'all since I get a lot of questions these days.  So here we go.

Q: Are "they" still together?

A: I don't ask.  I would assume so.  They are still working together, although Gina was demoted (apparently being the HR manager and having an affair with a married coworker is not totally okay).  I know they still talk and see each other as "because of your facebook post, Gina is the only friend I have left".  But again, I would assume they are.  Heather doesn't do "alone" and needs someone to worship her. Heather is living with her ex (the one she owned our house with).  Last I heard Gina was with her mom, sharing their 12 year old sons time with Harry.  They are getting a divorce as well.

Q:  Do you still see/talk to Heather?

A: Yes.  Here's the deal.  I do A LOT of reading about people who are narcissists.  It's super depressing. Before all of this I thought if someone was a narcissist that just meant they had a big ego.  It's so beyond that.  Sometimes when I read things it's scary because it describes her, or our relationship, EXACTLY.  And if she truly a narcissist, then I should realize she is toxic and there is no room in my life for toxic.  BUT IT'S HARD to admit that the person I loved...was not real.  Monday was our 7 year anniversary.  She came over.  I cooked.  Sigh.  It was my idea so blame me. And I asked her..."How could you lie to me for all those months?  How could you be with Gina and come home to me?  How could you live with yourself when you saw me trying to save us and hating myself".

She shrugged her shoulders and said, "I didn't feel like I was lying".

I didn't have anything to say to that.  There is nothing to say to that.  Although Therapist said I need to "use my voice" and tell her her that's bullshit.

So I AM making progress, and although my mind knows what I need to do, my heart is slower to catch up.

Q:  Where are you living?

A: In my sister's house, which is now where my nephew and fiance now live.  They have been lifesavers.  I have my own room with it's own entrance and bathroom.  And the biggest part, they let the three dogs and crazy cat come with.  All of my stuff is in storage, with the exception of some clothes and an air mattress.  BUT...I should close on my HOUSE in 5 days.  I have been holding off sharing too much about the house until it was for sure.  I am beyond excited and it will get it's own post.

Q: Would you take Heather back?

A: That's not an option for us.  She doesn't want to come back and besides that...she is not the person I thought I loved.  She cannot give me what I need and deserve. Do I love the person I thought she was.  YES.  Does the person she is today bring me happiness?  No.  And I deserve happiness.

You should know I am not alone.  I have so many friends.  I am still working out.  I'm only gonna get better as I try to get rid of the bitter.  I'm open to some potential bids from potential suitors :) Although I want to focus on me and spend time being alone and finding what makes me happy.  I realized yesterday that for the last 7 years, my happiness has revolved around making Heather happy.  I have kinda lost what brings me joy.  I'm finding it again.

 This was my moving truck park job at the gas station.  That's the truck...about 3 inches away from hitting the red thingie.

 A wild night in our temporary digs.  

 My moving part enjoying a much deserved Mexican post moving lunch.

 Me and "my natalie" enjoying the beach (There is "my natalie" and Boobie seen above in the pink USA jacket...who is also Natalie and used to be Heather's best friend...she is technically my natalie now as well but I only call her natalie when she is in trouble)

 Bowling.  Toga night above.  90's night below.

 Pensacola Beach.  Where you will find us most Sundays.

 And the Wahoos with Higgie and her daughter and Miriam.

All of these people and things keep me afloat. xoxo And I couldn't be more lucky in that regard.