Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Dirty Thoughts & Random Tidbits

1.  Last night a "special lady" came to our work and did a yoga class for donations.  I went, just to be a good team player.  During the last 6-7 minutes, when we are sprawled out on our mat, breathing and "concentrating on the quiet spot between our thoughts"...the entire time I am thinking about sex.  And then I start thinking about cheeseburgers.  Sex and cheeseburgers.  Sex and cheeseburgers.  Not sex with cheeseburgers...although I aint gonna lie...it's not a TERRIBLE idea.  Anyways.  I can never quiet my brain. 

2.  Sunday Heather took me to the batting cages.  Here is the recap.  I shall phrase it like a math question on the SAT.  There were 6 batting cages, only one of which was slow-pitch softball.  At the One batting cage, there were at least 7 young children, all in various levels of cool.  All with dads and moms, watching and coaching.  Amy bought 11 tokens.  Each token was equal to 12 pitches.  Amy started sweating as each of the small boys went into the batting box and came out victorious after hitting every ball.  Amy stepped in.  She swung, over the course of the next 30 minutes, at approximately 84 balls.  She MISSED EVERY SINGLE ONE.  If a train leaves a station in Montana at 5:45 am, and another train leaves Hawaii at 6:40pm, when will they crash?

The answer is:  There is no hope.  EVERY.SINGLE.BALL

3.  It's 6:09 in the morning and I really want some oreos. 

4.  I have to poop.  Which reminds me.  I kinda had to poop all weekend, but I didnt really want to commit, so I DIDN'T go.  And then, yesterday when I am waiting for Heather to get out of the eye doctor, I REALLY had to go.  The moral of this Aesop fable is: don't wait.  Go poop.

5.  It's 6:10 and the oreo demon won.  I had to do it.  But I will chase the oreo with some milk, thus making it a good preworkout snack. 

6.  I downloaded Color Me Badd's "I wanna sex you up".  Do you guys remember that song?  I put it on and did a love dance for Heather last night.  She just laughed and laughed and kept repeating "What's wrong with you?"  Not the reaction I was hoping for.  I bet a cheeseburger would appreciate a dance like that.

7.  Fine.  I just ate another oreo.  But they are the spring time edition!  So...it makes sense.  Speaking of oreo's, sometimes when I am teaching a class here at work to our staff, and I am talking about relating to our clients addictions, I share my oreo addiction.  I say "I may not drink a lot, or do drugs (they don't need to know everything!), but if left alone with an entire package of oreos, I will eat the entire thing...even though I know it's not good for me, it doesnt help me reach my goal, and I have done it before and swore I would never do it again".

True story.  I blame my mother. For no reason other than you can blame your mother for everything.  Freud said so.  Or I just made that up. Either way.

8.  This summer my parents will be married for 50 years.  Unless they kill each other first.  But if they have made it this far, I believe they can make it a few more months.  That's a long damn time!  And they live on a boat!  So it's not like they can even escape each other.

9.  Have I ever told you have extremely bossy I was as a child?  It's amazing I had friends.  I mean, when my friends and I would play Barbies, I would tell them what their barbies were supposed to say and do.  Good Lord.  And what's funny is I don't know how or when I evolved to NOT being bossy.  I will take charge if it's needed and I love to lead in a professional setting, but it's hard for me to be firm.  I want so desperately for people to like me that I can be the opposite of bossy.  Very strange.  Maybe I just need to break some barbies out at my next team meeting.  Probably not a good idea...since my Barbies were very sexual beings.  No place for that in my profession.  Damn it.

10.  Have I ever told you my plans for if I were to be single again (and I don't really plan on it), but I would just travel the nation, and then the world...staying with you people?  I mean, my readers.  I could come and visit each of your for a couple of days, and then just move on.  Like a lapband gypsy.  And we could eat oreos together, brush each others hair, and giggle.  Alas...it would be awesome.

Happy Tuesday friends!

20 comments:

  1. If it ever does happen, you'd better put NYC on your world tour! Come on up... we have oreos AND cheeseburgers here... :D

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  2. It's OK to have Oreos today. It is their 100th birthday....so go ahead have another, just kidding.

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  3. Who says you have to be single to be a lapband gypsy? You could bring her along....or not. Do IT NOW!!

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  4. Well my door is open and the oreos are in the cupboard with your name on them... ALL AMY'S! Bwahahahaha!

    Really though, if you are ever in Northern California, you should stop in and stay a spell.

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  5. American Oreos are so not even worth it! Thank your lucky stars you've never tasted a Canadian Oreo! You would sell your mother for a Canadian Oreo!

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  6. #9 describes me too...and it made me laugh out loud (again)!

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  7. I swear when I read your posts, sometimes I think you are me. Heh. Makes me want to go try hitting a softball though. I have no idea on that one.

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  8. You're more than welcome to come visit me anytime...you bring the oreos and I'll bring the barbies!

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  9. Um, it is the Oreo's 100th birthday today! How appropriate! I don't even like oreo's and I find myself wanting one!!!!

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  10. Okay, reading the post made me want an Oreo. Reading the comments made me want a Canadian Oreo! How are they better??? I neeeeeeeed to know!!! :P

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  11. Go to www.oreo100.ca/en to see the 100 year birthday celebration of the Oreo cookie. They even have Birthday Oreos. You'll drool for real and maybe even lick your computer screen.

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  12. That sounds like a lot of balls, but it was really only like a minute's worth, right? So its not that bad. Don't give up! Keep your eye on the ball and don't overthink it. You can totally do it! (Can you tell it is almost baseball season for my kiddos?)

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  13. i don't know how you avoid the act of pooping! i love to poop because i like to bask in the afterglow rush of knowing i may of just made the scale go down a turd ounce or two!

    and i want a damn canadian oreo now TOO! Damn you Gilly damn you!!! ;)

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  14. I now want an oreo, a big cheeseburger, I want to travel to Canada to try their oreos and then I want to poop.

    I - like Trisha - will never avoid it. I always equate pooping with the scale moving downward. It's like winning a mini daily lottery. Gawd, that sounds sick.

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  15. That's it. You either need glasses or the damn softballs are out to get you. hmmm. AND if you tour the states...MI is great in the summer. Winter..not so much unless you love to ski. But seeing as how you don't like hitting a ball...the skiing thing worries me just a tad. HEY! we have a lot of rivers to canoe though! So bonus! Whew. Oh...and you're awesome. Even if you can't hit a ball. Cuz neither can I. HA! (and I wear glasses!)

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  16. Too funny...everyone is right...it is Oreo's 100th anniversary...it would be right down wrong not to celebrate with one, two or more. Plus those Oreo people are tricky, constantly coming out with seasonal Oreos (springtime, Halloween, Christmas...) Those guys know what they are doing. Have an Oreo and a great weekend!

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  17. I think I may be the only person on the planet who doesn't like oreos. Seriously. Have mine, go ahead. I won't mind a bit!

    And Pittsburgh would love to have you visit :)

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  18. I am currently obsessed with Golden Oreos... They taste like Vanilla Cupcakes which are my crack. My husband actually calls me Cupcake....

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