Tuesday, February 7, 2012

From The Depths Of My Mind

As we have previously discussed, usually every month, for a couple of days, I enter the:

DARK ZONE

This zone is characterized by general feelings of sadness, heightened emotions, increased sensitivity (not physically like in my nips or anything), and an overall bleak-who cares because we all are going to die one day-attitude.

The Dark Zone does not seemingly correspond with my period.  It is not PMS.  I am not sure why or what brings it on...but just like an old friend from high school that stalks you on Facebook...it finds me.  And when I am in IT, I know it...and I know it will pass.

And when IT does pass, I am like freaking Yoda on the other side.  I know things.  I can give advice.  I think I have all the answers.

And then I go on Pinterest and start saving quotes.

And then I become dangerous.

Here is one: 

 "It's not that some people have willpower and some don't.  It's that some people are ready to change and others are not".- James Gordon

You see...I still don't know what to tell people when they ask me why the band worked for me and why it doesnt work for some.  But I think it comes right down to the fact that I was just ready.  I know there is no science to it...no concrete answer.  I was ready to make a change.  I wanted it just enough that I found ways to do it.  I built the support system.  I said I was going to, and eventually said it to enough people...that I did it.

Everything aligned.  It's not about wanting it BAD enough.  It's not about WILLPOWER.  It's not about having the right DOCTOR, the right PARTNER, MONEY, JOB, TIME.  It's not about just one of those things.  It's about all of those things in partnership.

Sometimes I make things to complicated.  When I am in the Dark Zone, I can't really (or choose not to) rationalize things.  I am very irrational in fact in the Dark Zone. So this is a reminder:

"I think we like to complicate things when it is really quite simple; find what it is that makes you happy and who it is that makes you happy and you're set. Promise."

My own insecurities are my downfall.  I doubt my worth in the Dark Zone.  I am not good enough.  Everything I do...I do it wrong.  At this point, I hear that voice in my head that says "Amy you are being silly." But I shut that voice up and keep wallering in self pity.

The funny thing about my internal voice that beats me down and tells me I am worthless...is that I have no idea why it is there.  If I were to sprawl out on a couch and have a therapy session with you...I just don't know where it came from.  My parents always were and still are "Amy encouragers".  They always supported my dreams, they always believed in me.  No one in my life ever really put me down...except my brother...but that was just because I was his arch enemy for several decades.  In fact, the only person that I can think of who really held me back...was me.  Thankfully that version of me didn't ever really have enough power to hold me back...but at times...it tried.

So in these awesome days where the Dark Zone is far far away, I try to tell myself over and over some very important tips...just in hopes that when Dark Time returns...I have a recollection of my otherwise positive attitude.  And this is from me:

Life is what you make it.  I cannot control what life throws at me, but I can control how I react to it.
I can make excuses, or harness that energy into action.
I have a kind heart and a brain that functions.  And although I am sometimes a little too emotional, it is my emotions that let me connect to others, which I believe is my greatest gift.
I have a body that works for me.  I am in the best shape of my life.  I may not be tiny, but I am strong.
I have a partner who makes me a better person.  Who loves me for me.  Who puts up with my mood swings, tears, hyperactivity, bad singing, and belching. 
There is no such thing as the perfect person.  This applies to me, and to the people I love.
If you waste time thinking about all the bad that "could" happen...it eventually will. 
If you spend time thinking about all the good that "could" happen...it eventually will.  So I have a choice. I choose the latter.

Happy Tuesday bumblebees.  Let's go pollinate.


10 comments:

  1. WOW! Great post! I understand completely! I'm not in the best shape of my life......yet, but I'm getting there! I do get that we are just ready. I think you have to be just to decide to go to the informational meeting, then to the dr., then the nutritionist and the therapist. Every step is a step towards being ready. I think we all go through a "dark zone" occassionally. We all have self doubt, because we all fed our emotions with food. Now we realize that we can change things! Thanks for being an ispiration!

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  2. Well, this made me cry. I needed this today. Thank you :)

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  3. Aaaawww...I think, overall...we all hold ourselves back which is why we struggle with the negativity and self doubt.

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  4. As usual, Thought provoking.... I love your honest and your vulnerability. You are like a Guru. XOXO *M*

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  5. I understand. yup. I too become so Zen after a darkside experience. :) Hey...my computer crashed and all I could think about after getting a new hard drive was to find your blog and Drazil's. LOL WHEW! Accomplished. Life will go on!

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  6. Great post! Thanks for being so awesome!

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  7. Wanted to "pin" all those quotes!

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  8. Love! We are the only person that can hold ourselves back!

    Great post as always!

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