Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Things That Make Me Want to Poop

Heather plays softball (insert: cliche Lesbian joke).  And she is really hot when she does it.  It's co-ed rec softball.  She even wears these little compression shorts under her regular shorts...and they are just like Spanx.  SPORTS SPANX!
Who would have known they make sports spanx?  Well, I assume some of YOU who are sporty...but not this girl.

Anyways, I digress.  So the other night when Heather was playing ball, they had told her they may need me to fill in....

as in...

I may need to PLAY SOFTBALL.

I immediately started to get diarrhea. 

You see, I played softball when I was in elementary school.  My dad was always the coach. And I don't necessarily remember being terrible, I do remember getting in trouble for playing in the dirt whenever I got stuck in outfield and I remember him yelling "JUST KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL" when I was trying to bat.  Which is the stupidest thing someone can tell you because I DO keep my eye on the ball, the entire time it is whizzing by me.

In fact, I used to work with children who had behavior disorders (for about seven years in a school setting), and I often organized recess activities.  And so I took these k-5th graders out to play softball one day.  Now some of these kids had motor skill issues...mmmkkkay?  And they managed to hit the ball just fine.  But when Miss Amy (that would be me) got up to swing...missed.  Every.Single.Time

They laughed.

I cried a little on the inside.

I havent attempted batting since.

You see, I swing like a champ.  And heaven help my competitors if I ever actually made contact.  But now I have psyched myself out...permanently...

What if I shame Heather?  What if they revoke my girl lover card?  I am still waiting for my official Lesbian Card to arrive in the mail.  What if they catch wind I can't play?

Makes me want to poop.

Anyways, I in fact did not have to play that night.  Wooo, but the season is young.  So I told Heather we need to get me to the batting cages ASAP so I can get over this mental block.

BUT, there is some good news.  Yesterday a new employee came into my office and asked...get this...

"Did you ever play softball?  You look like a softball player?"

bahahahahaha....so there is hope! 

9 comments:

  1. Why does heather wear those?! Aren't those to "compress" the beans and weanies???? LOL

    I love the "you look like a softball player" comment - what the heck is that supposed to mean? LOL :) :)

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  2. Batting cages are a fun date thing to do too!

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  3. When I was in Kindergarten, me and my friend Frannie decided that the concession stand was more of an appropriate place to stand, vs. the outfield. Stayed at said stand for then entire game. No one missed us. Well, except our parents, but they don't count. To this day I will not hold a bat unless I'm beating an intruder.

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  4. Softball is an integral part of being a lesbian. And the softball spanx are so you don't get all scraped up when you slide. Same goes for the long socks. You do kind of look like a softball player. It's the muscles and the swagger and the loving a girl thing. ;)

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  5. that's it! Imagine you're bashing in the pea brain of an intruder and you'll hit that sucker out of the park!
    You crack me up.

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  6. omg I love your blog! I wait and wait for each post. LOL

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  7. My mum used to play softball when I was little. All I can remember is the knickabockers they used to wear!!!

    I am also a grand swinger - not so much as a contacter of the ball :)

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  8. You look like a softball player and I just look like a softball... LOL

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