Dearest Oprah (I would call you Oprie, bc that would be my nickname for you if and when we become BFF's, although I dont think you would really like it much...but we will be besties and you will just have to deal at that point...so for now.....)
The time has come to address a certain issue that I am sure that you are aware of, on some deep, DEEP, buried level.
The issue is, we haven't met. You are doing your last season. And I am coming to Chicago. I realize that this is short notice, and I do apologize for that, but your staffers work quick and I know they love a challenge. So let's just do it. Let's meet. On your show. I am pretty sure we will need an entire hour devoted to us. I do acknowledge that hour long segments are usually reserved for the upper eschelon of superstars such as Celine, Barbara, and Tom. But, need I remind you (and I am sure I don't since you remember things), that they once were young struggling artists...
And they needed a platform.
A couch if you will...
And you Dear Oprah...are my couch.
For years, I wanted to come on your show and talk to young girls about loving themselves at any size. I wanted to tell those 14 year olds you sometimes have on, the ones crying about bullies and being lonely, that there is another way to live...even as a fatty. But now, since I had lapband surgery, I might have lost some of my street cred. But I would still try. Because I have been there. And I lived there for a very long time.
So now, might you ask...what would I talk about if I were a guest on your show? OH OPRAH! The topics are limitless. We could talk fashion (I still like the big girl angle, and let's be honest...skinny jeans just don't work on all of us, and it's okay to tell people that). We could do makeovers! Those are always fun! NATE could come and decorate my house. Problem is, I don't really have a house, I live IN my girlfriends house that she owns with her ex girlfriend who we also live with!
OOOH...that could be something right? Does weight loss surgery breed gaydom? No...? Too Jerry Springer? Too last year?
We could talk about blogging. Now there is an idea! There sure are a lot of us out here. And we are pretty smart....and hot. And the audience always loves smart and hot people.
Anywhoozle, you decide. Whatever you would like me to do, I am pretty sure I can arrange it.
So there you have it. The ball is in your court. I can see us now...roadtripping across America with Gail singing her silly songs (she can still be your bestie too), stopping at fairs and eating fried butter (again...we will make Gail do that bc she is a trooper and fried butter sounds gross), and relaxing on your ranch reading Book Club books...and drinking fresh squeezed lemonade (courtesy of Stedman. Thanks STED).
Can't wait to meet you Oprah!
It's gonna be spectacular!
Sincerely, your future bestie,