Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Dear Oprah: It's Your Move

Dearest Oprah (I would call you Oprie, bc that would be my nickname for you if and when we become BFF's, although I dont think you would really like it much...but we will be besties and you will just have to deal at that point...so for now.....)

Dearest Oprah,
The time has come to address a certain issue that I am sure that you are aware of, on some deep, DEEP, buried level.

The issue is, we haven't met. You are doing your last season. And I am coming to Chicago. I realize that this is short notice, and I do apologize for that, but your staffers work quick and I know they love a challenge. So let's just do it. Let's meet. On your show. I am pretty sure we will need an entire hour devoted to us. I do acknowledge that hour long segments are usually reserved for the upper eschelon of superstars such as Celine, Barbara, and Tom. But, need I remind you (and I am sure I don't since you remember things), that they once were young struggling artists...

And they needed a platform.

A couch if you will...

And you Dear Oprah...are my couch.

For years, I wanted to come on your show and talk to young girls about loving themselves at any size. I wanted to tell those 14 year olds you sometimes have on, the ones crying about bullies and being lonely, that there is another way to live...even as a fatty. But now, since I had lapband surgery, I might have lost some of my street cred. But I would still try. Because I have been there. And I lived there for a very long time.

So now, might you ask...what would I talk about if I were a guest on your show? OH OPRAH! The topics are limitless. We could talk fashion (I still like the big girl angle, and let's be honest...skinny jeans just don't work on all of us, and it's okay to tell people that). We could do makeovers! Those are always fun! NATE could come and decorate my house. Problem is, I don't really have a house, I live IN my girlfriends house that she owns with her ex girlfriend who we also live with!

OOOH...that could be something right? Does weight loss surgery breed gaydom? No...? Too Jerry Springer? Too last year?

We could talk about blogging. Now there is an idea! There sure are a lot of us out here. And we are pretty smart....and hot. And the audience always loves smart and hot people.

Anywhoozle, you decide. Whatever you would like me to do, I am pretty sure I can arrange it.

So there you have it. The ball is in your court. I can see us now...roadtripping across America with Gail singing her silly songs (she can still be your bestie too), stopping at fairs and eating fried butter (again...we will make Gail do that bc she is a trooper and fried butter sounds gross), and relaxing on your ranch reading Book Club books...and drinking fresh squeezed lemonade (courtesy of Stedman. Thanks STED).

Can't wait to meet you Oprah!

It's gonna be spectacular!

Sincerely, your future bestie,

Amy

23 comments:

  1. OMG - seriously, we have GOT to figure out a way to get on the show... And they ARE offering makeovers for this season - maybe we all need to apply and reference BOOBS and suggest that they see us when we are there??? We have to figure out a way... I think all of us would email together if someone can figure out where/how...

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  2. you're a nut. lol. loved it. hope it works.

    your living situation? welcome to "the" life. have you and heather bought matching tevas yet? adopted cats?

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  3. Oh Shrinking Mommy, it's better than that. We have matching flannel shirts, hip clips for our cell phones, and on our second date...she brought a uhaul trailer. hahah...

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  4. Oh I can see it now. We can all be in the audience wearing "We love BOOBS" tshirts and Oprah can give away a can of diet sunkist for everybody in the audience. If the band makes me switch teams, I don't know that my hubby would be too upset. Especially if he could still live in the house. Just sayin'.

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  5. HI-Larious!!! I laughed at this letter because I could so see you sending it somehow.

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  6. I sent her an email, well not "her", but her staff an email about you about a year ago. And you know what!? They didn't even have the courtesy to respond to me! ;) So, we need to figure out how to get these people to listen to reason. Oprah's viewers' lives would never be complete without somehow being "touched" by Amy Workman.

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  7. LOL You didnt mention anything about ZUMBA-ING with Lady O!!! Im sure she would LOVE Zumba!!! LOLOL

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  8. OMG my word verification was "FATEO" LMAO
    FAT-E-O! LOL ok maybe that was only funny to me.

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  9. This is great!!! Now if we could just get Opes (that's my little nickname for her!) to cooperate, this could be an awesome series of segments!!!

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  10. I am so on-board... being serious for a moment... You are an inspiration to us all and 14 year old chubby girls need inspiration other than Miley Cyrus and Lindsey Lohan... I nominate you for prom queen. *Maria*-Blogger from "This one time at BAND Camp..."

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  11. LOL @ heidi's comment...indeed, welcome to the fam amy!

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  12. How could she possibly resist you - I mean really!

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  13. So many great ideas! Don't forget, you also have Spanx in common!

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  14. LOL, Amy you crack me up. I love reading your posts. So entertaining.

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  15. No lie, fried butter is pretty good - you would want to take it from Gail.

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  16. Amy, I also nominated you for a blog award - http://talesfromtheband.blogspot.com/2010/09/my-first-blog-award-and-day-7.html

    For new bandsters starting out, your blog is such an inspiration. Thanks for sharing it all with us!

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  17. I'm just a little concerned that I'm not invited on the roadtrip...Seriously if Gail gets to go then I do to...I'm just saying.
    Your current bestie,
    Lush

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  18. I hope one day you will meet Oprah. I'd love it too. Wonder if you're right about the band making us gay. Growing up, when someone called you gay, we were just happy. So I guess we can all be gay!

    I think that is so cool that you live with your girlfriend and her ex. Isn't the world the most amazing place to live right now. Free to do what we want to do.

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  19. You know Amy, in 2000 I was contacted by Oprah's staff and almost made it on her show, I had to send in a tape and they narrowed it down between me and 5 others, it was very exciting, the producers called me everyday for a week and FedEx was always delivering things to me. Close, but no cigar!

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  20. Well, I hope you at least get tickets to attend...Jeez. You CAN'T go all that way and not see her show. UGH!! You seriously should send this letter and a link to your blog. I'm just saying. I think you are awesome!

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  21. Amy you are too funny! I really hope you meet Oprah!

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  22. LOVE IT!
    Did you see Wynonna the other day?? She seemed a little Off!

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