THANKSgiving Comes Early

Today I am thankful for being this weight.

Today I am thankful for being smaller, healthier, and happier than ever before.

I am thankful for being able to shop in more stores every day. And if I still don't fit into their clothes, I am thankful that I know I will one day very soon.



Now, with all that said...I made my band very cranky yesterday. We went to lunch at Red Robin...we eat there all the time! It was late though (about 2pm) and I hadn't eaten all day. I ate one french fry and maybe 2 bites of chicken tortilla soup. And that was the beginning of a very bad food day.



I was stuck. I went to the bathroom. Two stalls and a line! So I finally get in and stand there in the stall for about 10 minutes. I don't want to throw up bc it will be loud...and there is still a line. I am sweating. My face is on fire. Finally I come out, still stuck. I had to come out though bc the chicks in line were getting cranky with me! So I just got BACK in line and told them I didnt feel to good and had to hang out for awhile. Finally, I went into the handicap stall and threw up some slime. I emerge from the bathroom after almost 15 minutes. Tracey was getting ready to send the waitress in after me. I was mortified. It was the only time that I have felt like crying after getting stuck. I was embarrassed. So Tracey finished my soup and we left. In the car I pulled out my trusty stash of plastic bags and finally threw up.



So when I got home, I decided I would have a frozen waffle. Which doesn't go down on a good day! I ate it. And it was good. But it came up right after the last bite.



SO, I didnt eat any dinner and by 6 that night I was still operating on an empty tummy. I convinced Tracey to take me for ice cream. Guess what...the ice cream came up! I knew Tina was UBER irritated...so I gave up.



This morning...a few bites of bacon. Almost threw up on the dishes in the sink.



So I am just taking it easy now :)



But I am still Thankful!!!



And we went to the beach today! It was still a little chilly though, so we didnt last much longer than an hour!

A Patchwork Quilt I Am

The other day when I went to lunch with band girls, I mentioned how funny it was that when I get dressed these days I am wearing something from another bandster. The day we went to lunch it was pants from Nicole and shoes from Lacey. Today it is a cute little jacket from Mary and jeans from Catherine (also really from Mary)!

I love casual Friday's and I love my girls. I don't know what size jeans these are from the Gap bc the tag is mysteriously missing...lol...so I will pretend that they are 16's. Although they are a wee bit big in the croch area, so they 18's...but Mary didnt know either...so pretend I shall!

You know the post I made on Monday...about obsession? And then I made another post about my weight loss. Some of your comments really hit home. Two that come to mind are from Bonnie and Julia...where in very kind words they told me I was stupid. Okay...they did not say I was stupid, but basically they told me that they couldn't understand what I was down or upset about. That I had lost 120 plus pounds, in a year. I was healthier, happier, thinner...yet I was upset about that?

Thank you for that. You guys are right. It is just very easy to get lost in the hurry of this game. Every day this week when I look at the DAMN scale and it still reads 206 and I stomp to the shower in a huff, I have thought of your words. I need to appreciate where I am.

The funny thing is...you could go back a year in this blog and find some post that talks about my lowest weight (209) and how I didnt appreciate being a size 16 when I touched that size for about 1 minute a decade ago. When I was a size 28 looking at the picture of me as a size 16...I remember thinking "DAMN AMY! You looked good and you didnt even know it. When I get to a 16 this time, I will remember how good I look."

But I got to a size 16, and while I have moments where I know I look good...I spend most of my time waiting to leave the 16's. When spend so much of our life looking for bigger and better, but when it comes to weight loss we keep striving for smaller and better! Crazy.

Angie and I were chatting the other day and she said that on days when she is making good choices and losing, she feels like she is actively dieting. I have been thinking about this (bc I totally agree with her). Maybe that is the way it is supposed to be. Is that the way it is for thin people? I mean, with the exception of people who can eat whatever and not gain weight...won't every day for us be a day of actively choosing our food and exercise? Just a thought.

Lunch With Pretty Ladies

Yesterday the Pensacola (and surrounding area) bandster united for a little soup and salad! Please feast your eyes upon Mary, CIA operative Bandita (making her blogger face debut with permission), myself, and Lacey!

Do not let the sun deceive you...it was chilly. Mary has skinny girl temperature control syndrome now, and actually have goosebumps. We had a great time. It is a good think Mary and Bandita were there though bc Lacey and I may have eaten a key lime pie together if left unsupervised!

Is anyone alarmed at the way my left breast resembles an inflated balloon? I can't figure it out! It's sort of...disfigured! LOL

Ooh...A Show To Get You Fired UP!

Jen posted a link to a Nightline special called Face-Off. The debate...fat vs health. I will post the link to watch the program here as well, but you should go to Jen's blog to read the rest of the comments...including mine.

Here is the link.

Thank you so much for posting Jennifer! This leads to wonderful discussion!

The show is about an hour long...so you may not make it all the way through...but if you have the time...GO FOR IT!

My comments and thoughts are on Jen's blog. I will have to say the person I have a problem with is Marianne Kirby. She is the "leader" of the fat acceptance movement. What a horrible, horrible person to be a leader of anything. She can not answer a question. She claims to eat healthy and exercise. She claims to be comfortable in her own skin but watch as she tugs her clothes and fidgets with her hair and face. All classic nonverbal adaptors that point to how UNcomfortable she is in her skin. And the fact that when she speaks she is breathless...you know what? At 327 and as a public speaker...I used to be breathless. One of the most embarrassing things that happened to me was after I gave a lecture on nonverbal behavior was when someone wrote in the comments section of my eval that the fact that I was breathless was very distracting.

As you all know, I think you can and should love yourself at any size. You should live the best life you can. Do what you want regardless of whether you are 300 pounds or 120 pounds. Wear a swimsuit. Sing. Dance. Make sexy time. But I never pretended at 327 pounds that I was HEALTHY! True...I didn't have any comorbidities...but they were coming!

Now, MeME is a nutjob and spins statistics to fit her argument.

I love Crystal and want to be her BFF.

I can't wait to hear more comments from you guys!

My Scale is Ugly and Needs a Face Lift

So, I was thinking about my scale, and how I loathe it. So I decided I should make it prettier and want to doodle all over it AND put stickers on it. But, the real question is...will this throw off the way it weighs me? I mean...could the stickers ADD weight?

You see....I TOLD YOU I HAVE A PROBLEM (see previous post).

This morning was the end of my week long Amy IS Going to Lose 4 pounds challenge. Well I lost alright! I lost the damn challenge. I lost 3.5 pounds, bringing me to a new low of 205.5. And I would be happy about that but it was one of those mornings when you step on and it reads 205.5 and then it reads 206.5...then 205.5...you get the picture. Mommy will be happier when it doesn't jump to 206.

I really think I have a mild case of post traumatic stress syndrome when it comes to that 206 number. I was stuck at it for several weeks.

Long exhale.

Let us talk about something else shall we? Let's talk about numbers in and numbers out. Calories in, calories out. When I lost 75 pounds a decade ago, I did it with simple math. I knew what I could eat to maintain my weight. I knew a pound of fat is 3500 calories. So I made sure I burned a certain amount and ate a certain amount. I could really predict and know what my weight loss for the week was going to be. It worked.

This does not work banded. And I want someone to tell me why. Like a body scientist or something. Maybe Oprah knows. MAN if she would only call me back!

If I eat around 1200 calories a day, and work out 3 times a week. I should lose. You should lose. We all should lose when we are being good and making the right choices. We shouldnt have to "up" our calories.

WHY?!

WHYYYYYYYY?

The Blog Obsession

I have been sitting on this thought for awhile (I know...poor thought!)....and it's time to see what you guys think.

Do you think that our blogs feed our obsession?

But I guess that leads to another question. Are we obsessed with our weight?

Here is the definition of obsession:
Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.

And I will just speak for little old Amy. But yes, I would have to say by that definition...I am obsessed with my weight. If I stop and really think about it, I am not sure an hour goes by that I don't think of my weight or size. Everytime I go to the bathroom or see my reflection in the mirror...I think about it. Every time I eat. Every time I drink. Everytime I blog or read a blog. I am thinking about my weight. Did I do this BEFORE surgery? Not as much. One of the reasons I skyrocketed to 327 was because I had trained myself to be absent in the mind when I was stuffing my face. I was obsessed with food, but not always my weight.

So here is another question. Can you have WLS and be successful at it WITHOUT thinking about your weight all the time?

My initial response is no. You cannot be successful without being obsessed. You have to work this band. You have to always be aware of what you are eating, what you are doing, what you are drinking. Thoughts?

This leads me back to the original question....do our blogs feed are obsession? Are they healthy?
This really all stems from the wonderful Miss Angie. About a month ago she took a wee little break from blogging to get her mind right. Blogging and the pressure was all a little much at the time (I did ask Angie if I could speak about this). And that was honestly the first time I thought about blogging as an "alternative world". We are all so focused on the same thing that to each other...we are normal. Well, I am not NORMAL, but you know what I mean. It doesnt seem odd to us that we can fill up a year of blog space just talking about the lapband and the lifes that are attached to it.

What I do know is that I would not have lost as much weight as I have without this blog and without you guys. I have said it before, but this blog has really grown into an ENORMOUS support system and by being honest with you guys and this blog...I am held accountable. And I don't intend on stopping.

But do you think that is why some bloggers do stop? They have given up?

Just thoughts I needed to get out my head and wanted to hear what others thought!

Epic Vlog Failure

Beautiful people! I went home and recorded a stunning, thought provoking, philosophical vlog last night. The kind of vlog that could move mountains and change lives.

Whether or not any of that is true...you will never know...

BC THE DAMN THING WILL NOT UPLOAD!

Makes mama cranky. In the vlog I thanked and responded to the Beautiful Blogger nominations going around. I said thank you to Miss Tori, Colls, Camille, Catherine, Angie, Southern Belle, Jennifer....and all of you that nominated me! Thank you so much!

I also shared a little secret with you guys...that I secretly don't like blog quizzes or questionnaires. I don't know! They make me break out in a rash. Also, I can't nominate just 7 people bc I love so many of you! I did give a special shout out to Joey and Jennifer for my wonderful Oprah gifts! I honestly swear that I am thankful for each of you that nominated me! Also....do you know how hard it would have been for me to think of seven different things you dont ALREADY know about me? So in the vlog I did a show 'n' tell with some of my favorite things! Again...you can't see them bc they are in the vlog.

OY! When I get some alone time this weekend I will try to shoot another one. Don't you hate it when that happens? Doing good on my Amy 4 pounder weight loss challenge week....I will let you know on Monday how goes it!

Heartchu peeps!