As always, I have been blogging to y'all in my head. I just feel like the days of blogging have drifted away...and now everyone wants a brief Facebook post (although Lord knows mine are rarely brief)...or a video...or something other than Amy rambling using just her...words. BUT...I have been having a think about things lately and was gonna hunker down and journal my thoughts...in hopes of making some sort of sense out of them...but instead of doing that processing in private like most human beings with sense...I thought...let just put it out here for the world to read.
So let us being.
As most of you know if you follow me on the social media, I am having a love affair with Crossfit. I found a box (read: gym) that I love, with people that I love, doing the things that I love. I am getting stronger and dats.my.jam.
Still loving my house. Still house poor. Although I can't blame the #lakehouse for ALL my poorness...as I have a shopping, eating, and drinking, habit. But we are all works in progress aren't we?
Still loving my crazy circle of friends. It grows a little each month it seems. Which although leads me to over committing sometimes, also has made me a better person (WHAT? IS THAT POSSIBLE YOU ASK? Yes. I need all the help I can get).
I am busy most nights and weekends. Again...my own doing. It IS really exciting though when I get to come home to just the fur children and have no humans I need to talk to, entertain, feed, clean up after, shower and be mildly appropriate for. But it's not long for I seek out my crazy people to fill me back up.
I've been reading a lot more. Gots me a kindle for my birthday thanks to Travis and his boo thang Dalton. Thought I would hate not having a "real" book in my hands, but that damn thing just fits in my purse and I always have it with me. I actually made it through a couple of "self help books" that I loved. Girl Wash Your Face was quick and a nice little read. Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes...LOVED IT. Shonda and I MAY have been separated at birth. And then dis one..
For realz. The Power of Habit may have changed my life. It's a BIT too early to say that yet...but I really liked it. So far, everyone I have recommended it to has NOT enjoyed it...but I sho did.
I've gotten a bit fat. Not fat. Fattish. Lax in the ways of my nutrition if you will. But I am making some healthy changes and feel like I will be fitting into MOST of my pants soon...soonish.
So there you have the "bullshit" part of this post. We shall call that the highlight reel. The feel goodish CliffsNotes of Amy's life.
Now let's talk about the truth.
I may be more fucked up than I thought I was.
Am.
Would be at this point in this "journey". Let's put "journey" in quotation marks to indicate that "journey" is what all the inspirational quotes and prose on the Pinterest like to call LIFE.
Therapist dropped Blue Cross Blue Shield last year and I thought I could continue on my own, but now I am not so sure bc I may be back sliding or going crazy...but I don't wanna find another therapist. I want Therapist. I loved her. She got me. Finding a new therapist is hard work man (I hope you read all of that in a whiny, I am throwing a tantrum voice).
But here is the deal. I am nearly 2 years out from the split. Over a year out from contact with Voldemort. And I DO cry wayyyyyyy less. I AM enjoying my life...enjoying-ish. I can now look back and see things that weren't "right" or probably aren't present in a "healthy" relationship. BUT...
I full on believe LOVE is bullshit. I full on NEVER want to put myself in a situation where I am attached to someone...where I have real feelings for someone. I never want to "find love again".
Fuck
That
Noise
I don't want to work on my trust issues. WHY? So I can be torn apart again?
I don't ever want to really like someone and they really like me in return. WHY? So years into it they can rip off their mask and destroy me?
I don't want to date someone nice and kind. I don't trust it.
It's
Not
Real
Like it's gotten real bad folks.
When someone announces their engagement or posts pictures of their wedding on facebook...I am like ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. ONE OF YOU IS GONNA SHIT ON THE OTHER.
(I DO apologize if YOU have recently posted your engagement or wedding pics).
But there is no hope in my heart.
People are assholes. Selfish assholes. Miriam recently asked me, as I was giving her this same spiel..."are you a selfish asshole?"
YES. I think I might be!
Inspirational post on the social: Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to love again.
THE HELL I WILL.
(I told you...it's bad).
And because I do not want to feel. Because I don't want connection. I find myself self-fulfilling this prophecy.
I push people away. I make BAD choices when it comes to people or my activities just so I make sure that it ends or never begins...or so I can prove that yes...I am an asshole as well.
Inspirational post: Let go of the past. You can't move forward looking backwards.
Oh I don't want to let go of the past. I never want to forget how naive I was. I never want to be that person that believes people are good. I never want to wish on a star for love. no. no. nonononononoooo.
Inspirational quote: Time heals everything.
I don't think so. At the risk of sounding SUPER dramatic...I don't think I will ever heal. I think I am too broken.
SO, I will continue to fill my life with things I DO believe in. Lifting heavy things, tacos and queso, friends and family, fur babies...I'll patch some of the holes with those things.
Alright. Well I feel worse now? You?
GREAT...mission accomplished.
hugs and kisses friends, family, and random readers. xoxo
