For all of my boos who read this blog AND are on my Facebook, you may be aware that a couple of Saturday's ago, one of my readers, through a vague instagram account, decided to let me know that I was "starting to gain too much weight".
Jaw drop (not at the idea that I have gained weight but that someone would think it was KIND or NECESSARY to share their opinion of my body size with me).
Through about 1.4 million comments, texts, and messages...y'all showed up for me. I only maybe shed a few tears but I did probably give it more energy than I should have. And for a second I started to doubt my grip on reality. Because I am well aware that I am 198 pounds. But I am usually pretty proud of my body these days. SO, after mulling it over, instead of addressing the negative, I decided I would just write my body a little letter...letting the old girl know how I feel about her. So here goes...
I'm fucking proud of you man. Do you know how far you have come? Do you know how far WE have come? Don't you let anyone else's opinion throw shade on what you are capable of. Everything that makes you up tells a story of who you are, where you came from, and what you have done. Every scar, stretch mark, little lump of cellulite that isn't ever going away*, that's you girl. And that's okay. Have you seen your ass? Big. Lovely. Have you seen how the curve of your waist transitions into your hips? Like a melting pat of butter on a juicy steak. Do you see the muscles? The ones that make up your back, your shoulders, your arms? Have you felt the power in your legs? They can lift grown adults. That's you boo.
We've certainly been through some shit haven't we? I am so sorry I spent decades hating you and blaming you. When you know better, you do better. And I do better now. Now I find the things I love about you instead of getting stuck on the "flaws". I appreciate you for what you do for me every day. If I push you...you never disappoint. We may be getting older, but we are getting better. I mean...the joints are going and we are always sore...but that's fine. That's FINE.
You are healthy. You are strong. You are the only body I've got. And I appreciate you. And love you. I try to take care of you....I really do just love tacos and beer though...so there will always be that.
So this is my thank you. Thank you for carrying me through 38.9 years of life. I can't wait to see where the next 60+ takes us.
Simple and sweet. Just like me.
This was me at a size 8. Ideally, I don't have a weight goal anymore...because when you lift for mass...the scale is a little different. But I would love to fit into all my clothes in my closet. With that said, I was a size 8 in these pictures because I was heartbroken. For the first time in my life, I barely ate. I would MAYBE eat a little during the day, but once I got home I would drink until I was drunk (turns out that doesn't really help with the healing) and then pass out. OBVIOUSLY I was a sex kitten at a size 8, and OBVIOUSLY I could be a size 8 again in a healthy manner, but my point is...I may have been skinnier, but my life was being torn apart.
And this is me now. Those are a size 10 skinny jean from American Eagle. They tight. But I can zip those suckers up if I need to. Which I guess you basically always need to be able to zip your pants up.
And this is me at a Crossfit/Shooting Comp last month. Wearing my little Reebok shorts. These kind of shorts were always my goal shorts when I was losing weight...and once I hit 167 and tried on my first pair...I thought..."Nope...never." I didn't think I would ever get over my saggy, weight loss evident, inner thighs. Then I bought these shorts this year. Started wearing them during my garage workouts. Now...I wear them around really fit people with guns. And to the store. And whenever. Because life is short and they are comfortable and IF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE MY THIGHS...THOSE AREN'T MY PEOPLE!
Awe. And then there is today. Today I hit one of my biggest, and hardest to reach goals when it comes to lifting. Today I pulled 305 pounds on my deadlift. I am really proud of myself. If you don't lift, this number may not mean much. But I have put in a lot of hard work to make it happen. And I am no spring chicken! I'm no winter chicken either...but still. MY BODY is strong. It has fat but that doesn't mean I am fat. It's like that saying floating around Pinterest. I HAVE fingernails, but that doesn't mean I AM a fingernail. Mmmmkkkay?
And at this point, my nutritional goals are really fitness related. I know if feed my body in a healthier way (did you know you are supposed to drink water and eat veggies and stuff?), that I could probably become a better athlete. And so that's something I can work on. I suppose we ALL have things we can do a little bit better. But instead of hating your body in the process of improving, what if we loved it along the way?
Life is short. Life is hard enough already without you hating your own damn body. Try it. Try loving it. See what happens.
*I mean...it's 2018. Trump can be President but we can't get rid of cellulite yet?