Thursday, November 30, 2017

The Truth

The truth is...I am sad.  And it hasn't gotten easier.  And I am afraid it will never get easier. 

The truth is...I no longer believe them when they say "you will get through this and you will be stronger".  I am afraid the best parts of me are lost and I won't get them back.

The truth is...I barely hold it together most days...and even the "barely" part is getting hard to manage.

The truth is...memories are like ghosts with a death grip on my heart.  And it's easier to let the good memories wash over you until you are drowning.

The truth is...even when someone rips you apart, you don't stop loving them.

The truth is...you can read a million quotes or self help books about how "you are enough", but at the end of the day you are left searching for the why's and how's...and when you can't find logical answers you start to blame yourself.  You find comfort in the old belief that logically all signs point to "you were NOT enough".

The truth is...I have no idea what I believe anymore.  I find no respite in the idea of karma anymore, because if people get what they deserve...than I did something to deserve this?  Do I still believe in love?  In the human heart? 

The truth is...I am scared there is "no other side" of this.  That this IS what life will be like now.  Just getting through the day.   Until the next day.  And the next.  And that makes me so tired. 

The truth is...I cry myself to sleep at night just wishing that this was a nightmare and I would wake up from it...and not find the pillow next to me empty.

The truth is...I feel selfish and ungrateful for all the amazing people in my life that I DO have, that DO love me, that DO care about me, and who have not left me or betrayed me.  I hate that I give so much energy to the one who broke me, instead of the ones who try to hold me together.

And the truth is...you won't see this Amy.  Not in person or on social media.  You will see the smiling Amy.  Lifting weights.  Laughing. Telling jokes.  Loving the pups, pig, ducks, and kitties.  You will see the Amy that looks like she is strong and making it.  I don't think that Amy is real.  They say time heals. 

The truth is...

I am afraid they are wrong.

10 comments:

  1. It is hard, so very hard. When I was caught off guard by my spouse wanting a divorce, I went through some of the same things. Ultimately I went to talk to my doctor and went on anti-depressants for a while. It didn't "cure" me, but it gave me a little extra boost to get over the worst of it. It did get better, with the help of therapy and medication. Please get the help you need. I know it hurts. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you Neca. I talked to my therapist a couple months ago about taking something. She said it's up to me but felt like I was where I should be in the grieving process...but ultimately it was up to me. I just thought I could make it through without meds...kinda not wanting to put something in my body if I didn't need it. But I am open to the idea. I am kinda hoping it's just the holidays that have made everything amplified. But once they are over, there are other dates/anniversaries/events...so I am not sure what the answer is. xoxo

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  2. Girl. Cut yourself some slack. It hasn’t even been a year yet. And you looooved, like from the deepest part of your soul, this person for what? Like 5 or 6 years? That is a hella-lot of love/trust to have shattered. Of course you’re gonna feel the crushing weight of it for a good, long time. Let yourself feel each day as they come. Don’t worry about where you “should” be in your process...you’ll get there when you get there. And you *will* get there. Maybe not for another full year. Ok, so feel your way through the next year (or however long) one day at a time, finding joy in the moments you can. We’re all always here to “listen”. (Hugs)

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    1. Thank you Kelly. I know you are probably right. Therapist says the same thing. That it really hasn't been THAT long. It just feels like it when you are in it. Huggin you back.

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  3. ok, listen here. I went through the same bullshit in 2010. I kid you not, it took me 7 years to stop thinking about her. We were together 7 years and she cheated. I was caught off guard too. I was absolutely broken, shattered and beyond sad for so long. I even got into another relationship hiding the fact that I was still in love and longing for my ex (I was desperate to try anything to alleviate the pain). Its hard to just move on. Its hard when your love was so pure and committed to her. I know they say time heals but it sure AF doesnt feel like it especially when the years are droning on and your pain still feels fresh as hell. I've been there, I feel your pain. Nothing will make it better until it just starts to slowly (and I mean slowly) start to lift from your heart. How long will it take? Don't know. But you are an amazing person. You are beautiful and worthy of all you desire in life. This is one of your life lessons. A shitty lesson I know. Hang in there Amy keep faking until you make it. There will be light ready to come through and give you happiness again. Keep moving forward. Keep sorting it out. And above all keep loving yourself. xo

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    1. I wish someone could tell you exactly how long. Or exactly what to do. It's like a fog ya know? Sometimes I wake up in the morning and can't remember what I did the night before...almost like I have been drinking...but there were no drinks involved. I didn't think I would be "all better" by now...I just thought it would be a little easier after 8 months. It really is like a rollercoaster. Up. Down. I would just like it to be more like the roller coaster at a shitty fair...with little ups and downs...not one at 6 flags...where you lose your stomach. Thank you for commenting. I hate to make posts like this but I don't want someone going through the same shit to look at me and think "Well Amy has her life together and she is all better...why can't I be like her?" I will keep pressing on. xoxo

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  4. It's the grief. I'm sorry. However feeling your feelings will help you move the the next place in life. It will happen. Talk therapy, meds, use the tools you need. Hang in there. Having your feelings come out is tough. I get the feeling you are tougher. Take care.

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  5. Hi Amy, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling, but its to be expected. I know what you mean about the overwhelming hold that grief has on you and the desperate desire to just, “feel like yourself again” . You WILL feel like yourself again in time. That’s the thing about it, one day you will just notice that you haven’t thought about it as much, or you feel that little bit more like yourself. Although your life came apart in one massive explosion, it will come back together bit by bit in tiny little pieces. I’ve followed your blog from Ontario Canada for years and check in every few days to see if you have posted anything new. You have an incredible light and ability and people are drawn to your wit and honestly. You are very brave to let people into your life in this way. XX

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