Tuesday, June 4, 2013

1 Week Ago Tomorrow...



I had to make the most heartbreaking decision of my life.  I had to take my dog Shelby to the vet to be put down.  Shelby, also known as Pappy (yes, Shelby was a HE), had been my guy for a very very long time.  14 years to be precise.  I had moved out of my parents house, got my first apartment, and practically went straight to the shelter to pick out my first puppy.  I will never forget that Shelby was sitting in a kennel with a Dalmatian that kept stealing his food.  I took him into the little visitation room, he crawled up into my lap, stuck his nose in my armpit, and that was it.  I was sold.  I took my 3 month old puppy home to my new apartment where, while I was in the bathroom, he managed to chew up all the carpet around the fireplace and shit on my new washcloths (yes...they were on the floor...I was 19 okay?!)

But we stuck it out.  Through moves, terrible choices in men, across state lines...we was always with me.  Over the last year or so, he started to have trouble walking.  We have linoleum in the main section of our house, and at times, Shelby was like Bambi on the ice.  But his spirit was still in tact...and he would manage to slip and slide all over for a treat or peanut butter pill sammie.   But for awhile now, you could tell his mind was slipping.  He would bark or yelp for no reason.  Sometimes for 15-20 minutes at a time.  It was kinda like we was a Vietnam vet that wasn't quite sure where he was when he woke up and he was always waiting for Charlie to come out of of the jungle.

Two weeks ago I took him to the vet and she told me basically he had doggie dementia.  That he wasn't in pain, but I had to start thinking about end of life procedures...and that at some point I was "keeping him alive for my comfort, not his".  I started bawling and repeating "I'm not ready for that yet".  So she sent me home with some crazy meds (for him).

I have been saying for awhile I wish he didn't seem so happy to be alive...like if he WAS in pain or had seemed to give up, at least it would make the choice a little easier...

And last Tuesday it happened.  Heather got home before I did and found Shelby half in/half out the doggie door...breathing...but unable to walk.  I don't want to think about how long he had been there like that.  So she called me and told me to hurry home...and that it was time.

I got home, scooped him up...and Heather drove us to the vet.  She went in and arranged everything while we waited in the car.  She couldn't go back with me, but I wasn't sending him back alone.

When we got back there it was so so hard.  I've never had to put a pet down before.  The vet came in and told me how it would go...asked if I was ready...and she started.  And then it was over. 

Just like that.

And...that's all I can type about that part.  I get to pick up his ashes on Monday.

I took the next day off.  Crying and cleaning the house, changing around the dog beds...trying to remove visual cues.  Heather was amazing.  Very patient with me.  Cried with me.  Talked me through it.

Coming home is different and probably the hardest part of my day.  I am used to that crazy bastard waiting for me with a look of hunger in his eyes (he was a Workman after all...we are always starving).  I know they don't get to live as long as us.  And that sucks.  And I know you have to think about what a great life you gave them and that they gave you.  But it doesn't really make it easier.  I am selfish and want him with me always.  But I know if there is a better place...that if our spirits don't go with us to the dirt...that he is somewhere biting ankles, riding on SeaDoos, and eating all the food is fat belly can hold.

xoxo

20 comments:

  1. Well, that just brought a tear to my eye, godammit.
    There's nothing I can say to make it better/make it hurt less, etc, but I'm so glad you've got Heather to be there with you right now.
    xx

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is just like losing a family member. I hope that your heart can heal, and you can find room to open your lives to another homeless puppy in the future.

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  3. I am so sorry. It is so heartbreaking.

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  4. I know that feeling. My Nan has always lived with us, and ever since I could remember, her little Jack Russell terrier called Sam was forever by my side. She went missing a few times into the later years of her life, and we were so hurt thinking we wouldn't find her. Luckily we did, but ever since she wasn't the same. We had to put her down a week later, as she wasn't eating and being sick, and the vet told us that she'd had cancer, and she was too sick to live much longer than a couple days to a week. We put her down, and honestly, it was the saddest moment of my life. I was 18, and haven't had a dog since. I hope one day to have another dog, but nobody could replace my lovely little Sam :(

    Big love to you - and so so sorry for your loss. <3 You're not alone :) xxxxxx


    Chlo | http://www.bloglovin.com/chloodonnell

    xxx

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  5. (((hugs))) it sure is getting dusty in here...

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  6. Awww hugs, it is aweful to have to do that. I myself had to do it for my mothers dog since she had cancer and was in pain, and my mom couldnt take her herself, and I cried on and off for a week because she was part of our family and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do.

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  7. My heart is totally breaking for you. No words will help you, but I am so happy you got to know the special love of a special dog. You will feel it again, maybe never the way you do for the first one - The one that gets you through the "stupid years." I lost my Jack Russell, Ditto, 3 years ago. I was lucky enough to have her for 16 years. I still miss her. Hugs!

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  8. I'm so sorry about Shelby. I know exactly what it is like, and it will take a while to get past it. Give yourself time, and don't downplay how hard it is to grieve for a pet. It sucks big time, and all you can do is wait it out and take comfort where you can. It's good that you have Heather to support you through it.

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  9. I am sitting at my desk at work crying...I keep trying to wipe my eyes before someone walks by. I know how it feels to loose and pet I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    *heidi*

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  10. I am so sorry to hear about your puppy, Amy. :( Thoughts, hugs, and love to you from the other side of P'cola.

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  11. So so sorry. I pick dogs over humans any day of the week.

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  12. I'm so sorry. I just did this with my best friend's dog. It was so quick and peaceful and we held him as they did it. I'm sorry they wouldn't let Heather back with you. :( Hugs to you...

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  13. Balls! I am so sorry for your loss! It is hard to love animals so much and know that they have to go! I hope you are finding peace.

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  14. So sorry :( Thoughts are with you.

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  15. :( Losing a furbaby is so hard. I'm sorry!

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  16. I am so sorry. I didn't realize just how hard it was to put down an animal untiltwo months ago when our Elliot (the cat) had to be put down. I still cry at times. And darn it all, the tears for Shelby are blocking out this message. Maybe he will be chasing Elliot up there in animal heaven with sure footed skill. {{{ HUGS}}}

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  17. I'm so sorry to hear. I know how bad this hurts. Hang in there. Its good to grieve and take time for yourself.

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  18. So i haven't been reading blogs latly, and thought let me go catch up on Amy and Heathers lives...

    so i read all about your new weightloss and the true beast you really are for doing the Mudder..

    and then i saw your post about Pappy... and i said to my self... self... don't read it. you know what will happen. But i didn't listen and read and started bawling, i'm now a blubbering mess... had too grab the dang kleenex box before any of my co workers came in and caught me...

    My heart is breaking for you. Having a fur-baby is so wonderful. You give them shelter and food and love. And in return.. their love to you is so much greater than anyone can imagine. I will keep you in my prayers

    (((hugs)))...

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  19. It`s rough..I`ve been through 2 cats and 2 dogs already...

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  20. glad to see i'm not the only one who ended up in tears over your post.... I know how hard it is to lose a beloved pet and can't imagine having the strength to make such a decision. You did the write thing for him.
    And on everything else in this post - you ROCK!!!!!!!! So happy to see you've buckled down to get where you ultimately want to be :)

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