1 Week Ago Tomorrow...

I had to make the most heartbreaking decision of my life.  I had to take my dog Shelby to the vet to be put down.  Shelby, also known as Pappy (yes, Shelby was a HE), had been my guy for a very very long time.  14 years to be precise.  I had moved out of my parents house, got my first apartment, and practically went straight to the shelter to pick out my first puppy.  I will never forget that Shelby was sitting in a kennel with a Dalmatian that kept stealing his food.  I took him into the little visitation room, he crawled up into my lap, stuck his nose in my armpit, and that was it.  I was sold.  I took my 3 month old puppy home to my new apartment where, while I was in the bathroom, he managed to chew up all the carpet around the fireplace and shit on my new washcloths (yes...they were on the floor...I was 19 okay?!)

But we stuck it out.  Through moves, terrible choices in men, across state lines...we was always with me.  Over the last year or so, he started to have trouble walking.  We have linoleum in the main section of our house, and at times, Shelby was like Bambi on the ice.  But his spirit was still in tact...and he would manage to slip and slide all over for a treat or peanut butter pill sammie.   But for awhile now, you could tell his mind was slipping.  He would bark or yelp for no reason.  Sometimes for 15-20 minutes at a time.  It was kinda like we was a Vietnam vet that wasn't quite sure where he was when he woke up and he was always waiting for Charlie to come out of of the jungle.

Two weeks ago I took him to the vet and she told me basically he had doggie dementia.  That he wasn't in pain, but I had to start thinking about end of life procedures...and that at some point I was "keeping him alive for my comfort, not his".  I started bawling and repeating "I'm not ready for that yet".  So she sent me home with some crazy meds (for him).

I have been saying for awhile I wish he didn't seem so happy to be alive...like if he WAS in pain or had seemed to give up, at least it would make the choice a little easier...

And last Tuesday it happened.  Heather got home before I did and found Shelby half in/half out the doggie door...breathing...but unable to walk.  I don't want to think about how long he had been there like that.  So she called me and told me to hurry home...and that it was time.

I got home, scooped him up...and Heather drove us to the vet.  She went in and arranged everything while we waited in the car.  She couldn't go back with me, but I wasn't sending him back alone.

When we got back there it was so so hard.  I've never had to put a pet down before.  The vet came in and told me how it would go...asked if I was ready...and she started.  And then it was over. 

Just like that.

And...that's all I can type about that part.  I get to pick up his ashes on Monday.

I took the next day off.  Crying and cleaning the house, changing around the dog beds...trying to remove visual cues.  Heather was amazing.  Very patient with me.  Cried with me.  Talked me through it.

Coming home is different and probably the hardest part of my day.  I am used to that crazy bastard waiting for me with a look of hunger in his eyes (he was a Workman after all...we are always starving).  I know they don't get to live as long as us.  And that sucks.  And I know you have to think about what a great life you gave them and that they gave you.  But it doesn't really make it easier.  I am selfish and want him with me always.  But I know if there is a better place...that if our spirits don't go with us to the dirt...that he is somewhere biting ankles, riding on SeaDoos, and eating all the food is fat belly can hold.

xoxo

If You Like It You Should've Put a Ring on It

On May 22nd, 2013...the most unbelievable thing happened.  It still makes me close my eyes and breathe deep and relive the moment while I feel the smile start to spread. 

It was Heather's 36th birthday and she had been arranging a birthday party for herself for several weeks.  She invited people.  She picked the place. 

And all the while...I thought it was a little odd that she was planning a birthday party...because she doesnt really LIKE birthday parties.  But oh well, she is getting up there in age ya know so I thought maybe she was warming up to the idea of celebrations.

I guess she had expected about 6 people to come.  About 18 showed up. 

No worries.  The Fish House accommodated us.

Heather's brother Corbin came down and they had rode together.  Travis and I rode with my sister, in order to get there early and make sure we could get a table or 8.  Well Heather and Corbin were taking forever to get to her own damn party...so I was getting just a teensy weensy bit annoyed.  They finally showed up though and the party got under way.  The entire time though, Heather was acting all anxious...even more than normal.  I was going to go get her birthday cupcakes  out of the truck and she wouldn't let me.  She said that she would get them.  Or Corbin could get them.  Which made no sense to me and so I got a little more teensy weensy bit annoyed...but tried to be the good girlfriend and not concern myself with why my girlfriend was crazy.

Then, she stood up.  And started talking. 

And I was said out loud, to no one in particular "Is she giving a birthday speech"?  Heather doesn't talk by choice in front of groups. 

And then she started thanking everyone for coming and started to get choked up...to which I thought to myself "WOw, she must be really happy that everyone came to help her celebrate"...

And then she reached across me and Corbin handed her a box.  She said "Hopefully this will be the best birthday ever"...

And she got down on one knee. 

Here is the video.  If you can watch it, look how nervous Heather is.  Our friend Natalie is filming, because Heather is supposed to be standing up.  She is pretending to look at pictures with Travis.  Watch Heather rub the chair and breathe, and then rub the chair....

And said "I love you. Will you marry me?"

At some point, I snatched the ring from her hand and put it on my finger.  Damn it! I was just so excited.

It was really the most surreal moment of my life.  Never in my life would I have thought that when and if she finally proposed, that she would do it in public...and in front of people.  I thought maybe in the back yard while picking up dog poop she might just stop and give me a ring. 

But no.  She did all of it for me.  It was never a birthday party for her, that was just a way to get everyone there.  And she had picked Fish House because 3 years ago that's where we came out as a couple to most of our work friends....and did naughty things in the bathroom...and standing up in public, and sneaking around behind my back for weeks to find me the most perfect ring and having the ring built...that was all for me.

It was beautiful.  And it was perfect.  And my sister was there, and her brother was there, and our closest friends...

And it made me so happy.  I can't really explain it.  I can't do it justice.

So I am engaged!!!  Who knows when the wedding will be!  Heather's rule is that it has to be legal in the state we live in...so it could be a few months, or a few years.  We will cross that bridge when we come to it.  Ya'll better start saving up for a trip to Florida for a wedding though!!  It's gonna be one hell of a party :)

The double headed gold unicorn was a gift to heather from my friend Travis.  It is the tackiest thing ever and we saw it at a used game shop...we couldn't miss the opportunity to snap a little photo with it.

The Tough Mudder Recap

So many things have happened over the last couple of weeks...I have no idea where to begin...so after much debate, I thought I would just go chronologically!  On May 18th, after being signed up for this damn race for about 9 long long months, we arrived in Palatka, Florida (near Jacksonville) for Tough Mudder.

 

We have been training and preparing since January 1 really.  While we didnt have to have a themed costume of choice for our team, I wanted to look fabulous, so after much debate we decided to go with "SuperHeros/Alter Egos".  Carmen and I were Wonder Woman, together...WonderWomen.  Heather was the Hulk, we also had 2 captain americas, 1 superman, 1 batwoman, 1 robin, 1 SuperWoman, and 1 AquaMan.

 

We arrived clean and pretty.

 

Then the signs leading to registration started.

This is one of our obstacles.   You had to climb over these mud piles.  This was one of the easiest...and just the beginning.

Below is the second to last obstacle.  After 10 miles of running, running, some more running, and about 20 different obstacles, we were expected to run up this damn ramp and pray that we were able to get over it.  It was the one obstacle I feared I physically could not complete.  Mama's got no ups.  However, there were some angel's at the top in the bodies of three really strong men with bulging muscles and tank tops.  I made eye contact before my short stubby legs put me in motion and said "you sure you got all this"...to which they all nodded.  So off I went and sweet baby mongoose, they caught my hands and pulled me up.  I love them.  Wherever they are.

The worst obstacle of all obstacles...well...there were two...was the electric shock obstacles.  There are hanging wires, with alternating currents.  Some wires are live, some are dead.  So when you first start running or crawling, you are thinking "hmmm...this isn't bad"...and then one of those live wires hits you.  And it takes you down my friends.  It takes you down.  This is Natalie picture below...being knocekd to the ground by the shock.  I ate it as well.  Face first...into cowshit.

Some of our fabulous Team.

 

Now this is the worst of all obstacles, one which I didnt really fear because I am from Kansas and I have swam in mud lakes in early March...was called the Arctic Enema.  They take trash dumpsters and fill them with colored water and ICE.  ICE ICE ICE.  Several weeks prior, at a race in Pennsylvania, a man died on another obstacle from the shock of cold water, so we entered the race with "life partners"...like a buddy system.  Carmen was my buddy.

This is Heather, emerging from the ice...with a smile on her face.

And this is me and my best superhero side kick jumping in.  It was worse than I could have ever imagined.  You go underwater and coming up in shock.  You can't really get your breath.  It's painful.  You want to die.  And then they make you go back under water to go under that piece of wood there and come back up on the other side.  Well I went under...and Carmen never came up with me.  I thought she was dying.  I thought I had to go back under to save her...I couldn't MOVE!  But I managed to gasp out to Heather and Sean "Carmen....Carmen...she.is.dying...."

And as everyone ran to help, she emerged.  Looking like this.  Bless her heart.  She had waited to go under the wood.  She wasn't dying.  But it was terrible.  TERRIBLE.

I will tell you that for the first 6 miles or so I had it going on.  I was cheering and singing and chanting.  I was feeling goooood.  Then, the shit cramps came upon me.  Stomach cramping.  And the blisters started.  And you know...my mood shifted a tad.  There was one beautiful obstacle, that was a trench dug out and full of water with a cage over it.  You had to crawl in the water, roll over face up, and pull yourself through the trench by grabbing on to the cage.  Just your nose, mouth, eyes were out of the water.  I loved it.  It was peaceful.  The water was cool. 

Heather hated it.  It was her least favorite obstacle.

We finished though.  Finished in under 3 hours.  11 miles. 

I can't wait to do another one.  My girlfriend has lost her mind and has signed us up for every mudder race that is semi-close by over the next year.  The Savage Race, The Spartan Run, The Warrior Dash...

They are tough and slightly stupid, but it is amazing being able to do them with Heather and some of the people I love the most.

Wonder Woman

The Tough Mudder in Jacksonville is finally upon us!  We must have signed up a million years ago, and have been talking about it and training for it ever since. 

I am so ready for it to come...and then just be a wonderful memory!

Our team's costume theme, which is not required but really...what's the point of doing a race if you can't look precious...is SuperHero's.  I did not pick this theme, but since half of our team is BORING, my girlfriend included, they vetoed my Tough Mudder Trucker idea (which included trucker hats, cut off shorts, wife beaters, aviator sunglasses, and tube socks), and agreed on the Hero theme (because the boring people could order these underarmour alter ego shirts).

I digress.

So Carmen and I ordered these outfits from Spencers.  They have them in store, but in store they didn't have the cuffs or headband...and let's be frank...the cuffs and headband make the costume.  Those shorts are quit snug yes?  I mean, Wonder Woman didnt wear UnderArmour capris under her bloomers...but mama will be.  If I could have found the proper mom high-waisted undies that she really wore...I MIGHT have ran in just those.

But alas...I could not find them.

I would also like to take this time to apologize to the 16 of you who read my post from last night.  I wrote that poor little feller while under the influence of Ambian. I reread it this morning and holy Jamba Juice...it may have been the worst thing I have ever written.  There were spelling errors (more so than normal), grammatical errors (again, more so than normal), and it was a hodge podge of randomness.  I barely made sense to myself.  So I just went back and edited it to make it a little more cohesive.

Goodness!

Happy Wednesday friends!

May the force be with you!

Fat Girl Skinny Girl Fat Girl Skinny Girl.

Am I fit and healthy or am I flabby and fat?  Am I conditioned and ready for battle, or have my former fat girl years done so much damage to my joints that they will  always  be my downfall?

WHO am I?  Am I a fit 166 pound woman or that girl who weighed 327 just 4.5 short years ago?

So many of the  battles we fight with weight and dieting are on a battlefield that is easily visible to the outer world.   You can see us out there fighting the good fight, fighting the food fight...but the real battle happens long after the lights have gone down and the friends and followers have returned safely home and snuggle in their warm beds.
The hardest fought battle is in our mind.  For those of you on this journey, you experience this.  I think that the power that our former selves holds onto our psyche is quite incredible. And while we have talked before about how jacked up our brains are, it hit me again the other night while watching my favorite guilty pleasure on NetFlix...Nip/Tuck. 

We started watching Nip/Tuck several months ago, and have finally caught up to the last season.  So an episode comes on and Liz (an anesthesiologist in the plastic surgeons office), brings in a friend  that she happened to meet at a nudist colony.  Her friend was played by Danica Sheridan, and her characters name was Lola.  Well Lola came into Christians office (the womanizing superficial appearance obsessed doctor) to have some of her moles removed.  Christian, assuming that removing moles from her body would only be the beginning,  also said the could do some tummy tucking or lipo for a discount. TO which Lola said no.  She loved her body just the way it was.  She lean leaned into Christain and said "Oh.  You've never been with a big girl before have you?

If you have ever watched the show, you can see where this is going to lead.  Yes.  Christian and Lola end up having sex, and it turns out..."it was the best sex of his life"...which he struggles with because Lola's body does not match the image in Christian's head of what a perfect woman should look like.

   He goes home and tells his wife about this sexual encounter and his wife just so happens to be Kimber.  A former model, a former porn star,who has spent her live starving herself and dieting ....so she sees this betray as a pass to eat all the food she has always denied herself.  Just in case you dont know what Kimber looks like, this is her



So blah blah, Christian feels guilty or disgusted that he liked sleeping with big girl and so he finds her in the kitchen by recovery only in her birthday suit.

The quality is rough, but you get the picture.  And he says some hurtful things to her...and here is where MY brain comes into play...I felt like I was her.  I feel like that ass and those thighs and those rolls are MY rolls.  I feel like that is what I still look like.  Now in all reality, my weight is closer to Kimber's than Lola's, but it occurred to me when watching this episode that the girl in my head is still that girl standing in the kitchen in that picture up there.  That is who I think I look like MORE so than the skinny Kimber.

In most social situations I feel that people who don't know me still would report me out to their friends like "you know...the fat one"...or if not fat then "the big one".  When Heather introduces me to someone I am usually thinking that THEY are thinking "why is Heather with someone who is fat since Heather is so fit".  I just don't know what people think of me.  I didn't really know 170 pounds ago either I guess.

On the flip side of not knowing how I come off, the other day I was talking about co teaching some of Heather's fitness's classes with her.  She is really fit, she is good at putting a workout together, she does not enjoy leading the class, being the center of attention, or having to really give feedback during the class.  All things I could help with.  And I told her that she is scary and intimidating to some people because she is so fit....and that I am just one of "them"...I am just an average girl working out and that new people, or people who maybe aren't AS fit as Heather, can relate to me.

To which SHE said, " I dont know babe...since you have lost that weight you look like you are a beast and you are over there doing pull-ups...I don't think they think you are one of "them" anymore.

Well shit kettle bells why dont you?  Im not below average.  Im not average. But I am certainly not elite crazy i-wear-a-beanie-to-workout-in-the-middle-of-the-summer Heather Gainey.  I am not above average either.

I don't know where I am.  At 166 and 5'4" I am only now just out of the obese category according to the BMI charts.

puh-shaw.

I hope the tone of this post doesn't sound Debbie Downer.  I am mentally doing well today.  But it just struck me crazy that Kimber was the enemy in my mind,  and I could have switched places with Lola and all her fat and no one would have notice....again...in my mind.  Such a scary place to be sometimes!

Sugar Salt Fat

This book may be one of the primary reasons I have been able to walk the line this time around.  I bought it for my ipad Nook app at the same time I started taking the meds, gave up soda, gave up fast food, and started working out more.

It came at the perfect time in my life.  I was ready to receive it if you will.  The book is not a diet book.  It is not a workout book.  Michael Moss isn't selling anything (except his book of course).  He is an investigative food journalist and the book focuses on how the "food giants" have evolved over the years into huge corporations who design food, through scientists and engineers, that's sole purpose is to get us hooked on processed food. 

There are three parts to the book.  Can you guess what they are?  Yes...Salt, Sugar, Fat.  This book spoke it me.  It was so exciting and eye-opening...and I am sure that Heather was tired of me turning to her and interrupting HER book reading time with tidbits like "Did you KNOW that a 1/4 of spaghetti sauce has just as much sugar as 3 oreos?  WELL DID YOU".

The chapters on Soda (pop) were eye opening and alarming.  And seriously, I owe this book for giving me the knowledge to stay away from that pepsi that has been hiding at the back of my fridge.  Our brains, as many of us out here in blogland have long known, are addicted to food.  A snickers or soda lights up and excites the same part of our brain that cocaine does.  Our pleasure sensors go crazy.  And what's more than that...it doesnt just go away after we finish eating it....just like a druggie...we crave more.  we need more. Our brains are telling us more more more!

And I don't know if you can blame these big companies likes Kelloggs, Frito Lay, Coca-Cola...for hiring scientists to run study after study on how to engineer the food or drink just the right way to get us even more addicted.  That's their business after all!

But the evolution of meals and dinners from 1950's to present day has been a fast and scary one.  All the processed food that we eat...bad bad bad.

The things we buy for convenience...bad bad bad.

And while I have always known this on some level, the book really put it in terms and language that I clicked with. 

Do you know the average American eats 30pounds of cheese a year?  And do you know that I probably eat twice that average (well, not NOW).

Do you know that potato chips are tested and tweeked until they have a perfect crunch sound that entice people in just the right way?  Just because of the sound.

And how many of you, many of the people I work with, are still confused about these companies and what they promote as "healthy".  Diet soda is worse off for you than regular.  Know why?  Because to make it taste good in diet form, they have to add so many chemicals...so yes...less calories, but actually worse for you.  Fat free ranch?  NOPE.  It's better to have Regular Ranch (2 tablespoons).  Real butter over margarine. 

There is so much to learn.

And trust me, I pretty much just massacred the description of the book...but you should read it.  It's kinda HUGE.  Thankfully my sister just read it in about 2.3 hours (we DO have the gift of speed reading)...but now I have another human to talk about it with!

I Forgot My Underwear On Friday

You know, one of the hazards of working out before work somewhere other than your house and thus the requirement placed upon you to pack your gym bag with all of your accessories is that sometimes...SOMETIMES...you forget something.

Perhaps it's your moisturizer.

Perhaps blow dryer.

Perhaps your pants (this has happened to me twice).

But Friday, I forgot my underwear.  Which I didn't realize until after my shower and it was casual Friday...which means I had to go commando in jeans.  And for those of you who have been reading my blog for awhile, you know that my lady bits are quite...I don't want to say juicy...they are large and in charge.  And jeans have that damn seam in the crotch which is more bulbous than say, slacks...and I swear...it was like a little jockey down there riding a prize race horse...all day long. 

UHhhhh-noying.

THEN, to make matters worse, even though I had worked out before work, I was going to run after work, and Lord knows I CANNOT run with out underwear, so I had to put on the underwear I had wore to workout in the morning....

AWEEEEE-SOME.

So that's my story!  How have you all been?  As usual, I have been blogging in my head and not actually posting.  But after a text from my sister shaming me for my lack of blog updates, I promised I would actually put fingers to keyboard.

Things in the way of weight loss have been amazing.  It's been 2.5 months since I have recommitted to getting back to my fighting weight...and I have lost 27 pounds.  And I am not going to lie...I am really proud of myself.  It feels like longer than two and a half of months, but after I looked back at my calendar, I think that's about right.  I started the phentermine at the begging of March and that jumped started my weight loss.  I couldn't be more thankful for that damn pill.  It helped me to start losing again.  After about 6 weeks, I could tell it wasn't really having an affect on my appetite anymore, but it was still giving me energy.  I tried going off of it for several days this week and I was pretty lethargic...and extremely moody.  I don't know if it's a placebo effect, but I will keep taking them until my prescription runs out.

I still have been soda free for the last 2.5 months as well...and to tell you the truth...I hardly ever miss it.  I went about a month without drinking, but have had a few beers a couple of weekends.  I will tell you this...when I do drink...even if I have been "perfect" the rest of the week, I will not lose that week.  I won't gain, but I won't lose.  Not one pound.  For me to lose at this point, I have to be ON POINT.  Until this week, I had been in a holding pattern...stuck around 170.  Today I weighed in at 166.

 



 I have also been working out more since recommitting.  And for that means, more cardio.  I would say that I work out 7-13 times a week.  I do two-a-days at least a couple of times a week.  My beautiful coworker Carmen and I have been running.  Her husband is in Afghanistan and will hopefully come back in the early fall, so we have set some fitness goals together.  We run Tuesday and Thursday, and are up to 5 miles at a time.  We run the same pace and it is fantastic to have a running buddy that is at your level. 

With that said...I still hate running.

Truth.

I hovered around 166 in 2011.  But I think that my body is actually a little more tone/smaller this time around.  I feel fit.  I feel good.

Most days.

There are days though where I hate the inside of my thighs, my stomach skin, my batwings, my boobs. 

We were at the beach a few weeks ago and I was feeling good in my bikini and one of our acquaintances came up to me and said "so, how much for a tummy tuck?"  And we talked about skin removal surgery, and I pretended not to care...but it was kinda like a kick in my loose skin covered tummy.  Later, after we were home and I told Heather about it, she threatened to beat him down...but it was just a reminder that I will always have the evidence of my former life...on the outside...and of course it will always be there on the inside of my brain as well.

Other fantastic things have been happening as well.  The 5k that we try to do annually was at the end of April.  Carmen and I had only been running for a couple weeks at that point, but I had my personal best time.

 

 

That is Carmen's son Jackson.  He ran with Heather and he took 2nd in his age group and Heather took first in hers.  Carmen and I finished with a better time than last year and we didnt die.  Mission accomplished.

 

It has been beach weather here for a couple of months now.  So we have been out there doing our thing.

 

These are a few of my favorite people.  Andrea, the beautiful blonde...will be doing the Tough Mudder race with us THIS Saturday.  She also just ran a marathon.  Nathan, my curly haired gay lover from another mother is also doing the race.  And of course my badass Heather.

 

Yes, Tough Mudder in Jacksonville if FINALLY upon us.  We will leave Friday for Jacksonville, Fl (about 6 hours from us), and we are in the first wave of the race at 10am on Saturday.  We should be running for about 4 hours, 12 miles...25 obstacles. 

Someone died a few weeks ago at the race up north.  Jumped in cold water, went into shock, drown.

 

Truth.

 

So we will be running as a team and be accountable for buddies.  We are dressing in a SuperHero Theme...and Carmen and I will be WonderWomen.  We also have Heather as the Hulk, a captain america, aqua man, batman, robin, superwoman...and possibly a few others.  I hope two things #1.  We survive.  #2 There are photos of me looking like a beast. 

 

AND...I am so proud of several member of my family!  My parents starting working out and changing their eating habits at the beginning of this year.  They are working out and losing weight!  Good thing bc I need them around forever.  We are heading to the boat for Memorial Weekend...and I am pretty pumped.

 

My niece is still working out and even running.  We had a long conversation a couple of months ago when she couldn't get the damn scale to move despite her best efforts.  Sometimes I will do not understand the scale.  It really is not as simple as calories in and calories out.  You just gotta keep reevaluating and upping your game and hold on to the fact that you know you are doing the right thing...and the scale will USUALLY catch up.

 

But the best news of all is my sister (who...ehmmm...just turned 50 this year) has become a crazy health nut!  She joined our Planet Fitness, she bought a juicer, she watched the documentaries and FINALLY read the book that has helped change the way I look at food (coming in the next post).  And she has lost...well...at least 30 pounds (could be more).  But that's doing it "the old fashioned way".  And she is working hard.  I am so proud of her.  Heather is so proud of her.  We are going to be one hot family for the next Christmas card shoot...

 

Here's a reminder of this year's shoot.



Heather's birthday is next Wednesday.  She will be 36.  We just celebrated our 3rd anniversary...and if Florida ever legalizes and validates our equality...ya'll better be ready to buy a plane ticket and get your asses to our wedding.

Life is pretty amazing right now. 

I am trying to become a better person all around.  Hell...I've even flossed two-days in a row!  But I am trying to be more understanding of Heather's need (not SEXUAL needs), but just trying not to let my damn emotions is the logic that must live in my brain somewhere.  What is true about Heather and I is that we have the same core values and hold the same things to be important.  Our family.  Animals.  Beliefs.  Love.  But the WAY we show those things are sometimes very different.  The way we picture a relationship going is sometimes different.  So we are always learning how to compromise and work the love putty :)

I will try and post every day this week.  I want to talk about the book Sugar Salt Fat...I want to tell you what I have been eating, what I have been doing, what my next focus is...so many things.

I hope this finds you all well.  I miss you guys.

Keep fighting the good fight.