Tuesday, April 28, 2015

I'll Just Be Over Here...Putting out Fires

So yesterday at work I got to play dress up.  I was watching some Firefighter applicants do the physical test and once they finished...well...they asked me if I wanted to give it a try.  Now, clearly I had been mentally running with the young strong gentleman applicants in my head thinking "Oh..I could KILL this"...so once Brock asked me if I wanted to give a try...I had to say yes.  

So, they suited me up in a jacket and helmet and walked me to the starting line.  I can't tell you what a trip the adrenaline running through my body was.  Even though I had watched 10 guys run this over the last hour, I didn't really know what to expect.  My body was shaking.  I was now thinking instead of ME killing the course, the course may kill me.  

I started with a firehouse filled with water.  I had to run with it down the parking lot.

Done.  No problem.

Then...came a terrible terrible thing.  It involved a sledgehammer and a "sled". Please see the picture below for an idea of what it looks like (that is not me mmmkay).
Well, you have to hit that red sled over and over again until you move it six feet.  I thought I could handle this without any problem. I WORKOUT EVERY DAY!  Well Brock warned me that it's all about technique...and that I should keep my feet in front of the sled (see the pic?).  I had to move that sled in under 47 seconds.  I started whacking the shit out of it.  It was a DISASTER!  Words were coming out of my mouth that no HR professional should speak in front of their people.  I moved it six feet.  But not under 47 seconds.  My entire body was shot.  

But not to worry friends.  They didn't let me quit.  They made me keep going.  I do believe the firefighters enjoyed my demise (in a sweet  kind of way). 

So next up was the hose carry.  I had to climb three flights of stairs with that hose.  


But once at the top, I had to pull another fire hose that was wrapped up at the end of the rope.  I had to pull it up three stories. At first, I used my ass to counterweight...but when you get the big ball of hose to the top, you have to reach over and pull it over the rail.

I couldn't do it.  My grip was shot.

I was yelling "I CAN'T DO IT.

They were yelling, "YOU CAN".

I ripped my huge borrowed man gloves off...and I did.

 Back down I went.  Carrying the hose.

 Once I got back down, I had to drag...or attempt to drag that damn dummy.  It must have weighed 973 pounds.

Okay.  It weighed around 170, but sweet shit on fire, I could barely budge him.  And his pants were falling down.  I was distracted.  I did manage to drag is fat ass some feet before I nearly died.

It was super tough dude.  And it all made me feel weak.  I kept muttering "I work out.  I work out".  But seriously, it was an awesome opportunity.  Those are some great guys.

And seriously...about 5 minutes after I finished and while Brock was coaching me on how the sled was really all technique...

I started feeling a rumbling in the bowels.

Turns out all that adrenaline and stress and physical exertion was about to explode out of me.

I had to go.

Gotta go gotta go gotta go right now.

I left in a rush, shouting thank you's as I drove off.  I made it one block to the nearest gas station and their lovely bathroom.

Thank God dudes.

Friday, April 24, 2015

The Most Dumbest Facebook Article Ever

So, you know that frightening feature of Facebook that pulls your search history and website views from your computer or phone and then "recommends" things to you.  It "suggests things" that you might "like"...like Facebook tries to KNOW you?  For example, if you googled "the best vibrator on the cheap" (this is clearly just hypothetical), then the next time you are scrolling through your feed, you see this ad for a Brookstone "back massager"...and of a sudden you are like...THE UNIVERSE IS SPEAKING TO ME THROUGH SOCIAL MEDIA?

Do you know what I am talking about or not?

Man.  I wish you could answer me.

But yesterday, there was a suggested article about 9 Reasons Couple's Should Workout.  I'm not even going to link the article, that's how bad it was.  Seriously.  I can't contribute to site hits for that webpage.  I am pretty sure that a 14 year old who was probably recruited off of Craig's List wrote it...or the author of 50 Shades of Grey (yeah...it was that bad)...but I wanted to share with you some of the highlights.  But I clicked on the link because I thought I was sure to find head-nodding content that spoke to the Heather-Amy relationship dynamic.


According to this extensively researched and scientifically validated article..

Reason #1.  Couples who workout are physically congruent.  Let me translate  Couples that workout together have the same body type.  Um.
 Oh.  Is that a picture of me?  Or is that a picture of Heather?  I know it's hard to tell because we have the same body type.

OKAY.  In retrospect, perhaps I am being a little hard on Reason #1.  I guess you could say that Heather and I look like we might both workout.  But this is there closing statement:
If one of you is fit and the other looks like a plate of overly warmed Camembert cheese, it says something about the latter's level of self-respect and level of regard for their partner. It matters.

Reason #2. Sex of course is better for couples' that workout.  

bhahaha.  Listen.  WHEN we have sex it IS amazing.  For reals.  Amazing.  Please note that I said WHEN.  sigh.  Please also note the hypothetical situation in my intro paragraph. In addition, Heather and I are complete opposites in many aspects.  The "how much do sex do you need to function normally" aspect, is one of those aspects.  I am much like a newly hatched butterfly emerging from your orgasm-less cocoon.  I have a...let's say...highly motivated sex drive.  Heather's sex drive is much like a bear.  That likes to hibernate.  For long long winters.  Like...Game of Throne type winters.  Sigh.  But when that bear does wake up...

Let's proceed.

#5 Food is no longer a source of contention for couples who work out together.

bahaha.  Meaning, you eat the same types of food.  Health.  Healthy food.  You don't argue.  You both enjoy surviving on water and seeds.

Negatory.  Negatory.

You know and I know that Heather cannot grasp my lust for all things delicious and full of high-fructose corn syrup.  You know and I know that even loving and living with someone who is very nutritionally sound, that's not enough.

#6.  Couples who work out don't argue about where they are going for vacation.

Well now they are just making shit up.  There proposed theory is because couples that workout together want to go to the beach.

#7.  Buying presents for each other is easier.

Perhaps this was a comedic article and I just didn't know it.  Those of you who know Heather and I on a personal level know that she is the pickiest person when it comes to receiving gifts, and as for GIVING gifts...her idea of romance and gift giving is paying the power bill.

I'm not kidding.

She told me the other day that "Clearly I love you and show it all the time.  I just paid the power bill yesterday! That. Is. Love".

This is also the girl who upon opening her Christmas present one year, after I had saved and planned and searched and plotted for the best bluetooth speaker that my money could afford, said "Oh.  I wanted Sperry's.  Can't you just give me money next time."


There were a couple could ones that they listed....like you spend more time together and get more done together.  I will agree.  And I do love working out with Heather...most of the time.  I mean...not ALL of the time.  Not when she is doing burpees or wants ME to do burpees.  And not when she makes fun of the crotch sweat on the bench that I leave when I stand up...although I repeatdly tell her it is a crotch KISS and when she sits down her crotch will kiss my crotch kiss and that's love.  BUT, most other times, I am thankful that I do have a partner that supports me and pushes me and gets up at 5:00 am with me to workout.

With that said...Happy Friday friends!  May your weekend bring you peace, love, sex, and just a little high fructose corn syrup.


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Stuffed Spaghetti Squash

Last night, in an effort to make something a little different...I embarked on a mission to create a Stuffed Spaghetti Squash.

This wasn't my first squash rodeo, as I have made just plain old boring spaghetti squash several times over the years.  But I wanted to sass it up.  I typically liken spaghetti squash as the boring main meal of places like Atkinsville and Healthtown, USA.
Oops.  I forgot to take a picture BEFORE we dug in.

So this is what I did.

I purchased a smallish size spaghetti squash.

Then, in my trusty non-stick skillet, I sauteed the following:

Baby carrots that I had sliced into nickel size pieces.  I probably used around 20 baby carrots.
Half a sweet onion, diced.
Salt and Pepper
About a quarter of chopped fresh cabbage.
2-3 cups of steamed, then chopped, broccoli

I sauteed the above ingredients for about 7 minutes...until the carrots start to get a little tender.

Then, I toss in a heaping mound of diced garlic (I use jar garlic so it's not as strong as fresh)
Some red pepper flakes
Some Italian seasoning.

Who knows the measurements people.  I just "feel" my spices and herbs,

It's all in the wrist.

So I turn that to low and continue sauteing.

During that time, I had prepped the spaghetti squash.  There are various ways to get your spaghetti squash..."spaghetti-ee".  I cut mine in half, scoop out the seeds, but the two halves facing up in a microwave safe glass dish (this one was a 9  x 9), put some water in the dish (about half way full), and cover in plastic wrap.  Then you just pop that bad boy in the microwave for about 11 minutes.

Also during this time (have I mentioned how talented I am at multi-tasking?), I steamed some broccoli and then chopped it up.

After the squash is done, I put on my oven mitt (seriously...those things are as hot as sun-nuggets), stand one half of the squash on end, and then scrape with a fork into the dish.  Repeat with other half.

Then, the magic happens.

I toss the squash, the broccoli, and the veggies I have sauteed, into a bow and mix.

You then use the now empty squash halves as your baking vessel (I put mine on a baking sheet covered in foil).  I filled each half, half way up with the mixture.  Sprinkle on some FETA.  FETA...yummmm.  Then, I poured red sauce (just good old plain pasta sauce) on one, and homemade Alfredo sauce on the other (I will tell you how to make that in a second).  Then, I load up the rest of the mixture on top, top with a little more sauce, sprinkle mozzarella cheese on those babies and pop in the oven at 350...just to really melt the cheese and make all the ingredients happy and complete.

Let me tell you...that junk was gooooood.  GOOOOOD.

The red sauce one was very light in calories.  The Alfredo sauce was perhaps a little "heavier" on the calories, but holy mother of all things made with butter and heavy cream...it was divine.

So this is how I make my Alfredo sauce.  If you are ever feeling like being naughty, make this and use fresh pasta...Lord....amen.

1/4 Butter
1 cup heavy cream
1 clove crushed or minced garlic
1 1/2 cups freshly grated Parmesan cheese (do not use pre-shredded.  Don't do it.)
Italian seasoning
salt & Pepper (I like a lot of pepper)
Red Pepper flakes (totally optional)

Melt butter in a medium saucepan over medium low heat. Add cream and simmer for 5 minutes, then add garlic and cheese and whisk quickly, heating through. Stir in Italian seasoning and red pepper flakes.  Serve. 

 Or just drink it out of a cup. Seriously.  It's that good.

So there you go.  Basically you could just throw WHATEVER you wanted into the squash.

Go in peace. Eat my friends.

Now I am starving.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Bits and Boobs

Hey doodlebugs.  How is everyone fairing this week?  All is well in the world of Amy, except today I am TIRED.  I mean...TIRED.  But I have survived the workday so now I can relax and talk to my friends in cyberland. 

I am 10 days clean and sober from the Pepsi hooch....all soda really...but it's the vision of ice cold Pepsi that dances in my head like those kids from a Twas the Night before Christmas.  Except they had sugarplums dancing in their hands, but I am convinced that's because when it was penned, Pepsi didn't exist. 

I am also fast-food free for an equal amount of time.

As for the not drinking alcohol during the workweek, I may have had a *tiny* hiccup last night involving 99 Oranges and juice.  But it was just one night and today is a new day dudes.  My goal is to trim up a little by Memorial Weekend (so May 22nd), and with still almost 6 weeks until that date, I am confident I can do this.

Let's take a look at the pictures below and we can discuss a few things.  First...my boob.  With that side shot, you kind of get an idea of what my boobies look like post boob job.  They look very natural...ala...still a little saggy. But nothing like the old tube sock boobies I traded in.  My doc warned me that because the skin that makes up my breast was thin from all the weight loss, they would never sit high and tight. And that's cool.  I'm cool with that.  I wish I could show you a picture of the bare boob, but Heather and probably my place of employment might frown on my tit being out on the web.  


But remember I had a "key-hole" incision for the breast lift part of the procedure.  So, the nipple had to come off completely during the surgery.  You can't even see the scar around my areola.  The scar coming down from the areola is very faint and light.  The scar that runs under my boob though is pretty pronounced and thick...and I guess it's good, but my boobs don't droop enough yet to cover that up.  

This is Pensacola Beach on Sunday.  It was pretty nice out there.  We were playing a little game called "Coop" (it has another names), that we bought at Target.  If you like yard games, it's super fun and portable.  You can make it yourself using two trashcans, but the ones from target squish down for easy travel.

I am wearing my fitbit (had to take it off to get in the water), but that little thing DOES motivate me to get my steps.  When you work a desk job, it's harder than you think to get 10,000 of those little suckers.

Hope all is well.

Until next time!

Friday, April 3, 2015

The Return to Lapband Doctor

Well, yesterday was the day I finally sucked it up...after two years...and went and met Dr. Friedman's replacement.  Clearly, Dr. Friedman cannot be replaced. And clearly this doctor would not be able to even remotely touch my expectations...so I was prepared going in. (Dr. Friedman retired while battling his cancer, and is now back in the game but in TEXAS!?!? Whyyyyy?  I still have hope one day he will return to me and once again we shall frolic in the waves of life together be reunited).

So, first thing is first.  When Jennifer checked me in, I hoped on the "fancy" Tanita scale that gives you a body composition analysis.

And yes.  I saw what I weighed, but I don't think this counts as ME weighing myself.  I would have preferred not to know, but it's okay.

So, I weigh 189.  I was thinking I was maybe in the low 180's.  But that's okay.  I am not focusing on THAT number.  But one of the wonderful things that the Tanita measures is your muscle mass.  Well, since my last visit, I have gained 26 pounds of lean muscle!  26 pounds. I can't tell you how proud this makes me.  It is easy for me to joke about "I've put on weight but it's a lot of muscle", but it's another to know that my hardwork and dedication to actually building mass is paying off.  I am 140 pounds of muscle, 49 pounds of fat. My body fat % is 26.2%, and according to the scale, someone my age should be between 21-33%.  I will take that.

So, just to make simple.  The last time I weighed in at the clinic I was 170.  This time I was 189.  And So 19 pounds difference.  And I added 26 pounds of muscle.  Smack my glutes and call me Sally.

With that said, it would be pleasant if I could lose SOME of that fat so we could see that muscle with a little more ease.  So, as this workweek comes to a close, I must say I have stuck to my healthy eating (and drinking plan).  See evidence below.

Back to my doctors visit.

So when the new doc comes in, he looks at my stats, and says "Wow, you have maintained 72% of your excess weight loss.  Those are the results of a gastric bypass patient.  (Well, at least he started with a little ego stroking before he began to ask me the standard questions:

1.  Him:  "You drink soda?" Me:  "Yes"
2.  Him:  "Cookies?"  Me: "Yes"
3.  Him:  "Chips?"  Me: "Yes" 

Him staring at me

4.  Him:  "Alcohol?"  Me:  "Um.  Yes."  
     Him:  "How much?"
     Me:  "Do we have bracket ranges to pick from?"
     Him:  Not getting my sense of humor.
     Me: "3-5 "

Him:  Looking shocked.  Like not in the "Wow, is that ALL you drink", but in the "WOW, you drink that much" way.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that I mean 3-5 drinks 3-5 days of the week. I let him think that OF COURSE I just meant weekly.  Lord....I don't think we was ready for the truth.

5.  Him:  "What do your workouts look like?"  Me: "I workout 6 days a week, with at least 5 of those lifting, and cardio mixed in."

Him: "Well, that's why you have been so successful.  But think how much MORE successful you could be if you ate healthy and worked out the way you do".

Me: "Yes.  My girlfriend tells me that all the time."

So, after that, we talk about how he doesn't like to do fills without getting an upper GI (barium swallow first).  Which, I am glad to hear that he does barium swallows, because while I have never had one, I wanted one to check in on my little band.  But, I do find it agitating that I have had this appointment scheduled for 3 weeks and they should have had me do the barium swallow this visit because now my upper GI isn't scheduled for 2 more weeks and I don't see him again until JUNE 3RD!  So I have to pay ANOTHER copay and take more time off of work.  Seems silly and seems like a way to get more money.

But whatevs.  

So that was really it.  

No fill.  No check-up of the band.

But I will keep you posted on such things as time passes.

I hope everyone is having a great Friday!  

kisses and hugs butterbeans!