Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Saggy Skin and The Dangly Bits

Things are happening on the skin front my friends. And mommy no like it.

It seems to me that these last 7-10 pounds I have somewhere between 180 and 170...the loose skin has taken a turn for the worst. I've got the Shar Pei wrinkles going on.

I might post some pretty revealing pictures if I ever find a place to take them! The wrinkles start in the belly button region and move on "downtown". They could be worse, I just worry about what will happen in another 10 pounds! My boobs are even sadder. Sad sad sad!

Which leads me to "the bits"...the lady bits that is. Let me do I put this delicately?

With increasingly less meat and/or fat that makes up the neither regions, the dangles have gotten more...pronounced. They are free-er now and are about and about in all their glory. Seriously. Don't any of you work for Guinness book of world records? I took a good LONG (pun) look at them the other day and was mesmerized. They are rather ridiculous!


In other news, I wish I needed a fill because I miss Dr. Friedman! But my restriction is still pretty good so I guess I cant complain. It has been 6 months since my last fill.

OH! Speaking of fills and all things ridiculous! My port is very pokey these days. When I am working out and I am doing shoulder presses or anything with my hands over my head, I can see the damn thing sticking out! And when I am laying on or pressed up against other human beings, they can feel it too!

It's funny because when I first made Heather touch my port she didn't like it. It freaked her out. Now guess what? When we are out in public, she rubs the damn thing! Like without even thinking about it, if she is behind me with her arms around my stomach she will just be rubbing my little port baby.

Ha! Have you had your port baby rubbed lately?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Glass Closet

At some point, when you start a blog with a specific topic as the focus...I believe you come to a crossroads. You have to decide to either stick to the topic, or let the blog morph into something more. Does a lapband blog stay a lapband blog or does it does the lapband just become PART of the story?

Some of you are also very good a privacy. Catherine, you come to mind.

And then there is me. I have always been an open book on my blog. And thankfully, this has never come back to bite me. And it is important to me that one of the things so many of you have told me that you love about my honesty.

So my internal struggle has been...what do I share now? Because, and I know some of you will find this shocking, I have a tendency to share too much. And sometimes I think the world revolves around me. AND, I am trying to think of others. But here goes nothing, and here goes me trying to keep it short and sweet.

A few months back I posted a picture of Heather and Tracey showing off their guns. This was one your first introductions to Heather. She was/is our trainer. And she is now my girlfriend. Tracey knows. He knew as soon as I knew it was more than flirting. She makes me very happy. When I am with her, I know I am where I am supposed to be. I could go on and on about her, but simply put...when I am with Heather, I feel like I am home.

Now the questions that are racing through your head...I shall attempt to answer them:

Q: Have you lost your mind?

A: Not so much

Q: So...are you GAY?

A: I am in love with a woman. That makes me whatever you would like to label me.

Q: Have you ever been with a woman before?

A: I have kissed girls in my younger days...but never more than that. I have always known though that I could love either a man or woman. Love is love. Like I told Drazil, we fall in love with a person's soul, heart, and mind. The rest is all a bonus :)

Q: Does your family know?

A: Oh yea. For over a month now. When I told my mom she told me that she thought I had gone crazy. When my mom told my dad he said "Eh, I'm not surprised".

Q: Do your coworkers know?

A: Yes

Q: Are you just trying to get on Oprah?

A: Damnit! That's a good idea! Do you think it would work?

Q: it hard dating someone who is 120 pounds of solid muscle and works out like a beast 5 days a week?

A: Not really. It makes me want to work harder myself.

Q: How is Tracey handling it?

A: As well as he can. He is kind and trying to adjust. He and Heather actually hugged it out the other day. He is a great man.

Q: Are your roomates in Chicago safe? Or should Sherry and Alexis wear turtle necks and sweatpants to sleep?

A: Well, they are both pretty no guarantees!

So there you have it folks! I am still me. Still Amy. I have felt like I have been keeping a secret from some of my closest 460 plus friends. Now I can get back to talking about my ladybits, saggy tits, throwing up and peeing at the same time, and all things that are important in life.

You can email me with any thoughts or questions. I love you guys!

Shock and AWEsome

My people.

My home skillets and cheese slices.

My loves.

Happy Tuesday to you.

What shall we discuss today?

Jalapeno's? Weight loss? Ports? Lesbians? Diet Sunkist? All of the above? Oh if you could only vote!

First, yesterday brought me into the 170's. 179.5 to be exact. I am striving to keep it moving down and not up. This week is the Shock and Awe workout program. This is not an official program, one that I just made up. You won't be finding it on the shelf at Walmart. Here is what mama is doing:

Monday: Circuit workout. Only upper body. Constant weights for 45 minutes.
Tuesday: Circuit workout. Only lower body and abs. Tonight I will also be doing a new fitness class called Hot Body Kickboxing. I am terrified.
Wednesday: Zumba
Thursday: Circuit workout. Total body.

My body is still sore from skiing, and let me tell you...doing total upper body for 45 minutes with pretty heavy weights did not make it any better! But I figure next week at my parents boat I won't be working out too much, so I better pack it in while I can!

Last night for upper body Heather had me do dead hangs from the pullup bar. You just hang. For 30 seconds. I actually was able to do it. This is good because whenever I watch action movies, and the hero is hanging from something like a steel girder or building...that is the point when I know I would be dead. No hanging for Amy. But apparently I can hang for at least 30 seconds. After that I am screwed.

On to jalapenos. I dont know how you people eat those suckers. I had my first experience with cooking and the Hot J's the other night. I wasnt going to eat them, but the audience I was cooking for enjoys spicy stuff so I cut one open, seeded it, sniffed it, and diced it. I then proceeded to dice up some strawberries. About 10 minutes later I popped a strawberry in my mouth and couldnt figure out why my lips were on fire. YEAH! No one told me to wash my hands AFTER you handle a damn jalapeno! And then I forgot and "itched my nose" (read: picked) and the inside of my NOSE WAS ON FIRE! I couldnt get the burning to stop. First I tried to stick an ice cube up my nose. That didnt work.

And then it hit me. I remembered an episode of MythBusters where they said that milk was the best thing to relieve the burning. So I considered snorting the milk. Instead, I poured a bowl of milk and stuck my damn face right into it. It was real pretty I am sure.

You will be glad to know that it didn't work! And also, just so you know, DONT put the jalapeno remains in the garbage disposal either!

Mmmmkkkkay. Well would you look at the time?! Guess we will have to talk about being a lesbian and diet sunkist another day!

Until then....


Sunday, June 27, 2010

Bang Bang Shoot Em Up

This week was C.R.A.Z.Y! I was requested to teach at a leadership conference for our organization on the topic of employee engagement. That's great, but there were a couple of problems:

1. I have never taught on employee engagement
2. They only gave me 2 weeks notice
3. I was brought in bc the original speaker, although a super sweet and smart guy, is as introverted as they come. other words. They needed me to be the sparkle.
4. I had to create the class from ground zero.

Even though you would never know it, I get incredibly nervous before teaching. So I was super stressed all week. But guess went over perfectly. Lots of laughter, and hopefully some learning. Woooo!

Here I am at the conference with my coworker Deanna....

And my other coworker Loyd....
Yesterday I spent the day on and in the water! The oil hit Pensacola Beach early last week. You can still swim in the bays and sound though that make up the intercoastal waterways. Thursday night a group of us went out after work and stayed until sunset.
I believe you have already been introduced to Heather. This is Thursday night....

Yesterday I went to Defuniak Springs (think country...very country) about an hour away for a day of skiing and lounging. I will tell you I was NERVOUS! I know I skied at my parents boat, but this time I would be behind a bass boat...and I had people to impress! Well let me just tell you that I got right up and skied twice that day! It was amazing.

It did get me thinking though...the fat girl inside of me still whispers in my ear "You can't do this". For example, I was hesitant to jump off the boat and swim because there isnt a ladder to get back up. You have to pull yourself up on the side of the boat. Well, I did jump off. And then...put two hands on the side of the boat, fully expecting to look like an idiot and need to be lifting by helicopter onto the boat...
And guess what? I just lifted my own damn self! NO problem. I meant to take my camera, but left it in the car. I did however get it out later for this....

That's right. The liberal Yankee from Kansas got to shoot her very first gun. I was so damn excited. I wish I had one of those hot holsters like Mariska wears on Law and Order SVU.
Turns out I can't shoot as well as I thought I could in my brain.
Shitballs. And where did my ass go?
Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Vlog: 4 days in the Making

This damn thing has taken me four day to upload! Enjoy my friends!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Pencil Me In Baby

I have wanted a pencil skirt since the beginning of time. I was waiting to find the perfect one. One that fit my waist and my hips. You know...the holy grail of skirts. I found one. And some awesome heels to boot. Today...I wore them both.

It was a good day.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Greazed Up Like A Little Piggie

*I do realize I said greazed*

I got naked for the massage. Since when do I care about being nude? Although if I would have known my ass would have basically been the main event I would have shaved the damn thing!

So many of you have clearly had a massage before. Seeing how I was a massage virgin, she went gentle on me. It wasn't exactly what I expected. I was thinking more kneading and more muscle work, instead it was more like heavy petting and touching. If I did it again, I would ask for it a little rougher. Once I turned over onto my back...that was it.

Night Night Go To Sleep.

I dozed off and slept for about 20 minutes. She could have gone to McD's for a big mac for all I know.

Getting a massage wouldnt have been something I would have done before. I would have been to concerned about the amount of fat on my body and what they thought about touching me. However, my hair dresser is also a former masseuse and I asked her if she thought negative if you were fat...or hairy...etc. She said "hell no". She said that any good masseuse knows how to move the fat right out of the way...and that they are only paying attention to the work at hand....haha...that's kinda a pun!

I was afraid that I was going to fart the entire time. Apparently organic black bean soup for lunch the day of a massage was not the best thinking! Let's just hope that during nappy time I didnt let one go.

She also asked me if I wanted the table heat on. I said no. After 30 minutes, when it was time to flip over and my nipples were harder than limestone, I wanted to say "Turn the heat on", but I fell asleep.

Kim asked me in my last post what exactly is my relationship with Tracey right now. Great question. I suppose you could say we are broke up. But we still see each other and love each other. I have moved to my sisters for space, but still go out to eat with him or shopping. For example, we are doing dinner and shopping tomorrow night, the wedding together on Saturday, and maybe the pool on Sunday. While I am staying at my sister, all of my stuff is still at our house (minus my clothes). It's a hot mess for sure. But, we are making our own rules. One day at a time. Such is life it seems. Such is life.

This morning I snapped a little photo with my iphone. I wanted to share my bicep with you. I like to touch it when I am driving, and find myself caressing it absentmindedly.

Please ignore the batwing that accompanies it.

Love ya!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Fat Days

We all have them. You may be having one of them right now. You know...those days when even though you are at your lowest weight since you were an infant, you feel fatter than ever. I had one of those yesterday. At one point I was seriously considering that my calves may have been full of fluids bc they looked so fat that unexplained swelling could be the only reason for their mutation.

I was 180 pounds and felt rolly and bloated. Yuck.

So I was explaining this to Heather and said, "Well maybe you don't ever have fat days since you weigh 119 pounds". Hmm...not such a good idea. She said that she is offended when people don't think she ever feels fat. So I had to have "the talk"...about how size is relative so for someone who used to weigh 327 pounds and still weighs 180, I could never imagine weighing 119 and feeling anything but tiny.

This led to the next topic. Weight Loss Surgery (cue scary and dramatic music). Of course Heather knew me before surgery and knows that I have had surgery. Remember, where I work surgery is a pretty common thing...but most choose gastric bypass. And Heather is, just so everyone is on the same page, my personal trainer and one of those people that have worked very hard to be fit their entire lives. Clearly, our very different in our thinking due to our own personal histories. She has always been supportive of my achievements and accomplishments, but I have always sensed that deep down, she is not such a fan of taking this route. So I asked her...

"Are you anti-surgery"?

Her answer...

"Well, nooooo. I am not ANTI surgery but..."

Before she could even finish I started in on the statistics we all know and love about how many people lose weight and keep it off. We had a very honest conversation about our opinions regarding all things weight loss.

For her, it is simple. You eat less. You exercise more.

For me, it is not so simple. For most of us, yes...that is the key isnt it? Eat less and exercise more. But we need help. And that is what I told her. What did I have to lose...except the weight? Look at where I am now! Healthier and happier (well, and possibly slightly crazier).

Her argument was that she feels that weight loss surgery doesnt address the real issue. I think that is valid. I told her though that for me at least, the band gave me time and clarity that allowed me to change the real issues.

And that has made all the difference.

Switching topics, tonight I get my first real massage. A whole hour! I have a gift certificate and I am pretty excited. However, I am totally wearing horrible underwear. They are like retro granny panties from Target that come half way up my back. Joey told me to go nakes...but we all know Joey's reputation for being a "painted lady" shall we say. Sigh.

I am then going to play frisbee golf after that. I mean REALLY? I don't like the heat (it's in the 90's today)....I don't like the outdoors (unless there is water)...and I cant hit the broad side of a barn.

This is going to be fabulous!

I will leave you with a couple of pictures. Tracey's daughter Kayla graduated high school last week and is getting married this weekend. Here we are after graduation.

Tracey has lost some weight with all his sadness and is now weighing in at 131.5.

Now I get to be really hateful. Because that is how I roll. This impending wedding I fear is going to be lacking...taste. In other words....full of tackiness! Do you know what the bouquet is made of? DO YOU KNOW? Black and red fake silk roses! BLACK SILK ROSES people! And I have to wear a freakin corsage of the same thing! I am sorry, I have nothing that goes with tacky....mmmmmmkkkay?


Question for the Day

Do you ever see your own shadow and think...

"Yeah, I'd tap that"....

Monday, June 7, 2010


Do you know what I just realized?

It has been nearly 6 months since my last fill! That is mind blowing. And the crazy thing is...I still don't need one.

In those 6 months I have lost over40 pounds. I am certainly looser than I was after my last fill, but still...that doesnt mean I need another one. I can eat foods that when I was at my tightest I could not eat, but fill.

For example, at my tightest I could only eat 1/4 of my Spaghetti O's. Last night I ate an entire can. At my tightest I couldnt have dreamt of eating a roll. Now, on a good night...I may be able to.

Since Gen posted moons ago about thinking about restriction in a different light, I have tried to really pay attention to if I need a fill. Instead of thinking "I don't get stuck that much" or "I can eat more types of food", I think in terms of how long can I go before I am really hungry? Do solids hold me? Do I feel real hunger.

It's really very interesting.

As for the lack of weight gain this last month, that's a miracle and a blessing. I wasn't pushing the envelope or eating super bad, but I wasnt really present in my eating. If I wanted cheetos, I ate cheetos. It was nice to be free of my scale. It was very strange that I couldnt or didn't weigh. It was freeing though.

Now my scale lives with my at my sisters. Now I am trying to be aware of my eating habits. Now the damn scale is up.



*oh, p.s. As for the title of my post *WORD*, I have decided after seeing Sex and the City 2 and hearing Samantha say it...I am joining the movement to bring it back.

So today, whenever anyone says anything that you agree with...just say it.

For example, a conversation might go like this:

Someone: "I can't wait to see Amy's panty port show".
You: "Word".

Three Sheets To The Wind

I have been drinking.

Not like drinking to soothe my woes, but I have had a few adult beverages lately. Some of you may recall that I don't drink a lot. I would rather have a diet Sunkist. But, with this beverage consumption comes a revelation of sorts.

I am a cheap date (drunk).

Before surgery, when I would drink from time to time....little Miss Amy could put away 8 beers without feeling much.

New Amy...well, let's just say after one lemondrop martini I was lucky I didnt pull my dress over my head and run around screaming "look at my port".

After one drink I get "the flush". You know, where your cheeks start to turn red and you begin to wonder who turned the heat on? After two drinks, I might just make out with you. I know that some of you are now super excited to buy me a few in Chicago.

Watch yo self.

Today is Monday and Mr. Scale said 180.0.

Well I'll be!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Oh Come All Ye Faithful

Hello dear friends! My life has been chaotic and yes...yes...I have become one of those bloggers who have left their blog to the coyotes to be devoured in an empty pasture somewhere (see, I havent lost my flair for the dramatic).

The funniest things happen when you are busy trying to lose weight...most specifically...LIFE. But I havent forgot about you or me. I am still busy making a mess out of things, but I am holding steady.

For those of you interested in my personal life, I will throw you a bone. I am staying with my sister for awhile. It was too hard to see Tracey so sad. My parents think I am coo coo, Tracey is holding out hope, my coworkers smile and nod...and as for me...well I am not sure. All of this is like an emotional rollercoaster where I can be on a high from freedom or a low from guilt.

Wonders of wonders, my weight has held steady. As of this morning, I am at my new all time low of 182.5. I havent really been weighing myself though, bc I have been sans scale, but I have my scale now and will get back to monitoring that. This week my band has been tight. Turns out Tina doesnt like all the drama so much. I think it is crazy how our bands react to emotions.

On the workout front, still plugging along there. We did the craziest thing the other morning. Heather calls it "The Hundreds". I call it hell. You do 100 reps of the same thing...without stopping. But, you do it with considerably less weight than you would normally do. For example, if I normally shrug with 35 pound dumbells, when you do 100 I shrugged with 15. You should have seen me try to do 100 pushups. the end I was pushing up off of the wall and listening to Heather call me a sissy. If I had the strength I would have punched her in the throat. With love of course.

My calves are so sore this morning that when my feet hit the floor getting out of bed, my entire body almost hit the floor as well.

Crazy drama at work as well. My boss resigned after being called to a come to Jesus meeting.

You just never know how life is going to come at you!

I hope everyone else is well.

Thank you for all the love and support.

I hope you havent forgotten me!